Happy Halloween

Hi...it's me...Annie Grace....

Bored out of my mind! I sat all day watching these two men re-shingle the house sending out a mental SOS telepathically...nothing....they just keep admiring me and working. They are missing the whole point. So I watch CNN...nothing but election stuff...oh yes and Halloween stories. I have no idea what it is so I wait for The Lady to come home to ask. She flies in the door with the Coach satchel full of work she will never do tonight but brings it home anyway, drops everything, checks her messages and wonders why no one call at home anymore, the wrinkle in her forehead deepens, she checks her cell phone wondering if it is broken. After all....it is Friday night...why are not more people calling? So.. I distract her with questions. What are WE doing for Halloween? She looks up slightly startled. "Oh Annie... I completely forgot. Quickly let's run around and shut off all the lights." Now I am completely confused. Are you not suppose to turn on all the lights and pass out candy to Urchins and Cherubs? She says "quick..Annie...hide". So I do. In the coat closet. I wait and wait. She has no idea where I am. As I peer out she is turning off the lights all well pouring a glass of fermented white grapes. So.. I whisper.... "Hey Lady...what are we doing? How long should I stay here? Is the litter box off limits if I need to go?" She quickly shushes me and draws the blinds. Now I am intrigued...Is this serious? Are we under attack? Have I not taken this holiday seriously? She calmly explains to me that we must hide in the back of the house as many unknown cherubs and urchins will ring the door bell looking for handouts of candy. I gasped.... Why? We do not know them. Exactly! she explained. We hide. After a lengthy explanation of the shenanigans that occur I hunker down in the straw basket. Perhaps she is wiser than I thought. Maybe not........... but I am horrified.

The ornament is obtained...for THE BLESSED EVENT

Hi....It's me...Annie Grace...

There seems to be a flurry of activity going on here. (Besides the house being re-shingled by two guys who I just sit in the window and stare at because they are annoying my naps..then after a day or so I thought maybe they are my escape! If only they would open a window, sneak in to use the bathroom...I would be free!!! But no....so I glare at them. They are madly in love with me....of course they are men.....pay no attention ....and they LOVE you!) So the activity is .....suddenly everyone just decided to call The Lady, leave messages saying hello or inviting her so a "event". Even someone named Cat, I gasped when I heard that...Is she a cat? Will she help me? Do I know her? Then I think about myself ....as always..... can you imagine if she did not give me a name? It's like an episode from Breakfast at Tiffany's (which is her favorite and she really does think she is Audrey Hepburn). If you have seen the movie then you will remember the cat has no name.....just Cat. Every sentence The Lady said would start with ...."Oh Cat...is this the right shade of lipstick for me?" If I did not have the name Annie Grace...Oh my!

Anyway....Why so much attention now? I asked her. As she pours herself a goblet of fermented grape juice with a smug look on her face she says to me "they want to make sure they are invited to The Blessed Event and at any given year they could be shunned for lack of contact with me." I still don't understand so I ask "what's the big deal?" She takes a very un-lady like swig and shakes her head at me "Annie.....(again.... this is where it could have been just Cat) I have obtained THE ORNAMENT". So I sit quite confused as to what I should do or say at this point. I said "let me see it". She slugs another gulp and says "Nope....no one can see it until The Blessed Event evening...not even you". Not even me? What am I going to do? Tell all the animals of the world? She shakes her head and says "you will see Annie Grace.....it's a highly competitive, violent and stressful evening." Just great... I must make note of this evening and plan my escape. But....what I do know...is The Lady has THE ORNAMENT. The winning ornament.

We have been robbed

Hi...It's me... Annie Grace...
Yet another evening I had to endure...The Urchins came to visit. I saw it all unfolding from the moment they walked in the door. Luckily The Big Urchin had shoes this time...perhaps the cold weather had a lot to do with it. The Little Urchin arrived dressed in pink....all pink and leopard clogs. Need I saw more? So they run around dangling all my toys in front of me. I gave them The HHTT Look...but it did nothing..they continued. So, I gracefully went upstairs and used the litter box...they followed. Now I had no choice but to seek refuge on the car hood in the garage. Quiet and hidden. BUT I heard it all! They ate Scooby Doo hot dogs, 1 cup of relish, 1 tablespoon of corn. The elders dined much more refined....with wine. Next The Urchins scoffed hair pieces, lip gloss, sacred rocks from an Indian reservation...very special indeed, money from the Martini fund.... see she is holding the sacred Martini Fund Jar, and lastly......relish. Look at their little paws......beggars! Not only that she gave them the relish to take home! Apparently they did not like relish until they were bribed to try it.....they each ate 2 cups of it. Babs and Smitty......you should stock up on relish...not Thomas's English Muffins. I closed my eyes and went to my imaginary world...Poland. They stayed. Next they are running around with ice cream cones....just what they need...sugar. FINALLY they leave. We are now lacking a multitude of items.....including relish, dignity and money.

My wild cards

Hi....It's me Annie Grace.....

Today I have had to endure a multitude of stressful situations. First it started when I woke up.....COLD! I went up to the top of the bed to tell her this and promptly was bombarded with an attempt to bond with me. That was not on my agenda. I endured about 5 minutes of it and then went into my horrified look like I have just realized where I am and have no idea who she is.....this usually amounts to her feeling guilty and backing off as she says to me ALL THE TIME that cats need time to adjust. I call it my Wild Card. I use it when the situation is warranted or just to mess with her mind. My other Wild Card is on a moments notice to just act crazy running from invisible demons and crouching in a corner like I fear for my life with horror in my eyes. This usually gives me some space. Wild Cards are basically my way of humoring myself at her expense. Anyway...... enough about The Wild Cards. So I have figured out my only salvation is perhaps to sleep under the covers. Under the pretence of getting up into her face (as she does to me....a lot) I gave her a kiss which instantly makes her sappy and the skulked under the covers. She is so overwhelmed by my affection she has yet to figure out I just wanted warmth. Later I patiently wait for my minuscule portion of Sheba.....tuna favored......and wait....and wait, I realize she has forgotten me! Why? How could she get sidetracked so early in the morning? Simple...Fall Fashions on The Today Show. She quickly rushes to the abyss of her closet checking to see what she needs. Preparing a list of ALL the items she must have. I remind her of the economic conditions and she instantly becomes sad. She says "Annie, do you mean I can't get the new black UGG boots, plaid skirt and purple sweaters?" No you may not. Once we get over that hurdle I get nervous because she seems in no great rush to leave. Oh goody.....working at home this morning....that was also not on my agenda. Time for a Wild Card. I now go to the back door and spend some time trying to open it. I make such a racket and she says "Annie where are you tying to go?". WHERE? Anywhere!!! Florida perhaps where they don't have to shut their windows on me and it's warm. Poland? Italy?
I am able to scoff some Wisker Lickens and she leaves me alone for a few hours. Hopefully tomorrow will be back to my schedule. Meanwhile this is another wild card......lay in a very unusual place for a half hour. It drives her insane!

We are RICH!!!

Hi....It's me...Annie Grace...

I came to the rescue with moments to spare today....I mean moments. Remember I have told you about my journey here and keeping her in line? Oh yes.....and also her logic? To which she has none.

So after a long nap in the sun on the back of the leather chair...which I previously had used to sharpen my claws I awoke to her sitting at the table with catalogs strewn all over and about 350 items circled ....mostly in Bloomingdale's and Sephora. She is so engrossed she has failed to notice me. Hellooooooo!!!! It's me..Annie Grace...ready for you to acknowledge me!! Nothing. So I hop up on my chair and sit...looking at everything she has circled. I gasped. 15 pair of UGG's? For what? Every fall duo eyeshadow from Dior, the whole set of Dolce and Gabanna Light Blue......even the soap, a new ski outfit including matching boots (she does not ski...), all circled. I yawn waiting for another long boring story of how she is making a "wish list" like she was 10 and looking through a Sears Catalog. She is still circling everything like a crazy woman and saying nothing. So, I ask "what are you doing?". She looks up with a dazed startled expression. She says "we are rich Annie Grace!". Is there something I am unaware of? Have I really hit the mother load? Maybe The budget was just a test of my loyalty. Maybe the heat being on low was just a test! As I snap back to reality.....I ask how?

So she shares with me this email she just got....here it is.

Attn: My Dear,

Now we have arranged your payment of ($1,350,000.00) One Million Three hundred and fifty thousand united state dollars that was in ATM payment card into cash and to be sent to you through western union money transfer payment: Your payment will be sending to you by western union, the amount you will be receiveing per day is $7,000.00 dollars. The ministry trust funds of Benin Republic will send you the currently standards tracking details you need to pick up your ($7,000) payment by western union office, you will be receiveing every day till 180 days untill received your total sum of $1,350,000.00 united state dollars, now no need to send you this atm card because you can not be able to withdraw the ATM card due to the ATM master card contain large money on it.The only fee you have to send to them is $327.00 usd that they will use to obtain insurance certificate and claims of affidavite to prove that total sum of $1,350,000.00 belongs to you be rest assure that all other fees have been paid by me.



I scratch my ear with my paw, hesitate and then ask.."you can't be serious?".

She gives me another blank look and says "yes" as she is rummaging around looking for her credit cards that she hid...from herself...certainly not me.

THERE IS NO BENIN REPUBLIC!!!!! Look it up!

She sashayed out of the room and said "I knew that Annie".

No....she did not. Now she is pretending like she is searching for something else not her credit cards then stops to fluff her hair, re-apply her gloss, shed a tear and come back in the room and says "I was just making a wish list Annie". No you were not.

Please note...the typos in the letter are for real...this is how it was sent. Somehow she missed that......

Political Signs

Hi...It's me..Annie Grace,

She comes home today in a tizzy. It seems that she is upset with the political signs on lawns. She said it just looks horrible. I am smart enough to figure out that NOW is not a good time to bring up how many signs are in a yard ......with her name on it. (Un-sold...by the way). So, I listen. Apparently The Lady thinks they are sloppy, not properly aligned, ugly and not really legible. She said if there were regulations requiring the signs to be uniformed and strategically placed on a pole she would be more receptive than the 8 cheap signs strewn about on a clothes hanger post. I tried to explain that people feel the need to advertise who they support. She is busy right now writing a bill that she wants passed on capital hill that people would be fined $100 per day for messy sign placement and $200 a day for each day beyond the elections they had signs in their yard. I am beginning to wonder if in her mind she feels this is why the market has slowed. Yes....that is what she is thinking! No...seriously. She thinks that people do not know if the house is for sale or if there are 10 political signs. (Yes... a reoccurring theme...not enough people are paying attention to her. Just like her walks and people saying hello.) She is running around town pulling political signs if they are near a house she has for sale. I am sure this will boost the market in a matter of days......Look Lady... We have 2 weeks left, can't you just ignore them? No...she said. Right now she is making her own signs and putting them out front of her yard. I am horrified. This is what she is has out front....she says she supports them and it's the same thing. No logic. None.

Dolce and Gabanna
James Taylor
Dior
UGG
Bloomingdale's
Fairmont Princess Hotels
Coach
Pete's Coffee

I can hardly wait for the holidays............Please do not drive by our house until I can remove them.

I have not thrown up in 2 weeks

Hi...It's me Annie Grace.....
She has been fluttering about looking for missed throw up. Wondering...did she miss any? NO. Look lady you have not missed anything. I just do not feel like throwing up these days. Simple. When I want to throw up I will. I personally have heard that HE threw up all the time so what is the big deal. I am thinking about it soon though. The Lady spent a whole day dusting and moving all the items in the house "for a change". I do not need the change and frankly it has impeded all of my routine including my mantle which has my two favorite windows. I do not need the plants indoors now. Thanks but no thanks. She carefully re-potted all of them and I may chew on them out of boredom and then throw them up after. She has nicely placed one next to my window which has some interesting hanging parts that has been amusing me daily by swatting them and they crunch when I chew them. I do think I prefer to chew them over the wide variety of catalogs that arrive in the mail including Sephora. She said we are now all set for winter FENG SHUI. Oh goody. I feel the harmony and balance has shifted in the house. I truly think moving all the little items around in the house will make George Clooney find you sooooo much sooner.
Now she is rummaging around looking for her UGG's. I am helping. Leaving no corner of any closet un-explored. The abyss of her main closet is nothing compared to the others there are carefully labeled baskets everywhere! Boots, gloves, scarfs, light bulbs, pocketbooks and games. Oh no....here it comes...I see the sappy look in her eyes. "Annie, we could play cards together." No, we can not. If you even bring me to the table to sit with you and play cards.... I will chew on them. Guaranteed. They will crunch when I chew them which would be perfect. With a defeated sigh she continues to look for her UGG's. I sit patiently gazing at the closets in my perfect cat position.....head slightly tilted to feign interest, eyes wide open showing my stunning blue eyes, fur perfectly groomed, paws perfectly aligned and tail swishing 6 times per minute and I see everything is labeled or in a basket. EVERYTHING! I have visions of me being labeled. Finally! The basket with her UGG's and boots. I breathe a sign of relief knowing the balance and harmony is here and go off to take a nap...perhaps throwing up after.

The Rock Star

Hi.....It's me Annie Grace....
Please keep in mind I have NEVER met any of my "family". They all live apparently in another country. Massachusetts. The borders are closed and they are unable to come here. But I do browse through all the photos and this is my aunt. The Rock Star. She was named that because of her fabulous dress at a wedding. Plus she can party like a rock star so the name is appropriate (I asked The Lady what a wedding was and she said she has no idea....None). Her parents are The Felons as well for those of you who are confused. Actually she was not born in this country but was brought here and then abducted by aliens from 1 until she was 16. No seriously......ask her anything....she has NO memories..of anything. Just start a sentence with "remember when...." and her eyes glaze over and then she just looks at you and says either..."I don't remember that" or "your making that up". Ghastly really....being abducted like that. When I saw this photo I asked The Lady if she ever does not wear a rather bright shade of lipstick and she gave me HHTT Look and said "it's the appropriate shade for me." Who am I to point out any more of her flaws. So The Rock Star is home for a while after living in Thailand and Switzerland. I asked what does she do? The Lady said she is paid money to get people off their butts and on a schedule to "work out". I am fearful that I might be required to do this if she visits. The Lady assured me there will be no such thing under her roof. I breathe a small sigh of relief.

The tomato picker...encroaches

Hi......It's me Annie Grace,

Let me tell you what just happened. Horrifying indeed. The Lady comes home from work muttering about one of the last walking days before the snow. I have no idea what she is talking about but I do think she is exacterating...,,so I greet her and wander off to my window to once again send out telepathically a SOS. The Tomato Picker came by to admire my beauty and let me just summarize with one word....ENCROACHMENT. No...seriously. I am not exaggerating. She came in exclaiming my beauty and seemed to be in awe of me. I gave her my usual greeting which consists of half acknowledgement and half...I could care less. She tried to make a move like she wanted to pick me up. I unassumingly wandered away from that. So I went to my chair at the kitchen table (which is MINE) as to let her know that you may admire me from afar. She followed me!!! She then stuck her face in front of mine and blew on my silky fur and face. Yes....blew on me. Has she never seen a cat before????????? I promptly gave her the mother of all HHTT Looks. What are you doing?? You are messing up my perfectly groomed fur. I have spent 3 hours grooming and do you see me running over and messing up your hair? With both eyes tightly shut I brought myself into my imaginary world.....please please go away....How oh how can I get to Poland? Italy? I open one eye.....The Tomato Picker is still here! I allow her to pet me know knowing it is the path of least resistance. Off they go to walk 80 miles in 42 minutes. Yes.....chatting all the way. I really must work on this personal space issue I have.

Killing the vines

Hi...It's me...Annie Grace....
I am still in shock over today's episode. I had no idea that preparing for fall was so much work. I sit from MY window looking down at the driveway, waiting for someone to save me. My nose pressed on the screen. She thinks I am enjoying nature but I am honestly sending SOS messages telepathically. First she is wearing an outfit that I pray may not be seen by others. She looks like a man. Jeans, boots (which have no designer name), a very unflattering shirt, gloves (not cashmere), and her hair in some sort of matted ponytail. In and out of the garage she goes each time surfacing with a very scary looking tool. Next thing I know she is sawing off branches, ripping 25 foot vines of bittersweet which is killing her rhododendrons. Violently! She pulls, tugs, swears, tugs more then as it comes free she is promptly deposited on her butt with the vines in hand and a triumphant look. Next she looks at the monstrous vines, swears at them and throws them in to a mounting pile. No.....it's not over yet. She pulls out a contraption, pumps and then begins to spray. I see the work KILLER on the bottle. Clearly making sure these choke holding vines will never return. Personally I see her spraying everything and am concerned. She is a weed killer abuser. With twigs in her hair, scratches all over her and after a couple of hours I see the mounting pile and shout out the window "Hey lady how are you going to get rid of that pile?". She peers up at me, waves and then a look of confusion comes over her filthy face. Yup she is so proud of herself for doing the work and never gave a thought as to how to get rid of the huge pile. Next Shmirl walks up the driveway and begins to help her. I kept trying to get Shmirl's attention...yooohoooo....I am up here..save me! I am ignored. They tug and strategically figure out how to get the big ones. Now they are discussing how to remove the pile since she does not have a truck. I sit up as I hear Shmirl say "you could always get a burn permit and burn it while standing with a hose." Are you two insane????? I do not think The Lady should be burning by herself. I have visions of her selecting which outfit is appropriate "to burn in" and finding the right lip gloss that will sparkle in the fire. Stop!! I see defeat in her eyes and know I am safe..... for now. I should mention that although she has cleaned up and shoveled a half a pizza in her...she is down for the count. Every muscle in her back and arms is on fire, she even forgot to give me my Wisker Lickens. I actually had a small amount of sympathy and am curled up at her feet on the blanket on the couch. Under no conditions is this habitual. We are not going to do this every night. As I effortlessly jumped up and settled down I gave her the HHTT Look. There is no need to encroach my space, pet me or think that I will snuggle. So far....she is in too tired to argue. Thank Goodness.

Summer is over

Hi It's me...Annie Grace....

The Lady is so upset today she has completely left me alone. She is putting away her summer clothes. When the flip flops came out she just broke down and sobbed. It was quite pathetic. She is so broken up she can not speak. To which I will add...if you have to live with her...this is a glorious moment. With every load that is carried upstairs she weeps and babbles about skirts, tank tops, summer dresses and flip flops. By now she has very little concern if The Toad is surviving his long journey to Miami. The incoherent sobs make mention of the beach, open windows and long days. I have tried to help by laying on all the items she is going to put away. For support. Her puffy red eyes continue to flow with tears as she puts away all the wicker from the deck, next all the herbs are brought in clipped and frozen. I am sure the corresponds with the very expensive spices but I have not pieced it all together yet. Now I watch from the window as she takes the inpatients planters and violently just rips them out into a garbage bag. Poof! Gone. They are not even dead yet! This is me watching from the front door. Can you see the look of horror in my eyes? Next...the hostas are just sawed off....with a saw!! She is like a crazy woman alternating between the saw, scissors and a large shovel. Now she is digging a hole with the large shovel and I see her stop, bend down and move something with the shovel. I peer out pressed against the screen trying to see. Oh my goodness....another toad. A brown huge toad in the ground. She pokes it. Did she kill it? I watch her, she bites her lip, the line on her forehead deepens (I have asked her to use lotion on this continuously) THEN she looks over her shoulder. Did anyone see her kill the toad? She pokes it again and yes! It moved. She picks it up with the shovel and dumps it under the trees. As she walks in the door I have visions of Jack Nicholson in The Shinning. I run as fast as I can and stay upstairs trying to call 911. Finally we all calm down and although her eyes are still red and puffy she does not look so violent. Filthy..but relatively sane.

Working from home

Good Morning.............It's me Annie Grace....

I had started out my morning so far on a good note. Only a minimal amount of personal space encroachment from The Lady today. Partly because of the hand swipe I gave her which seemed to make her more cognitively aware of her over whelmingness. First I should clarify that the 5:29 AM wake-up call is no longer part of my agenda. My nocturnal perimeter check is no longer on my "to do" list. I get carried up to bed every evening and lay on my blanket at the bottom of the bed. I sleep there all night and don't move a muscle until she wakes up and speaks. EVER. It is out of fear. Raw fear. The first fear is her feet. Any shift in my movement could result in being launched off the bed. The second fear is movement from me could wake her which could result in an outpouring of affection from her. Back off Lady! The third fear is my minuscule portion of Sheba-tuna flavored and I mean minuscule...carefully measured teaspoon. I need it...so I need to be on my best behavior. Well then the morning shifts into horrifying. I glance at the clock...why is she not getting ready for work? Why is she not rummaging through her GNP looking for the fall duo eyeshadow by Dior? Why do I not hear chaos in the bathroom with tools, blow dryers and product? Please please say you are just running late! No, I see the signs. She is working from home today. Now I must shift my whole day around which is usually perfectly planned. First I watch her take out the trash in utter embarrassment....I hope the neighbors are at work. Slippers (UGG's of course), pajama bottoms in pink, purple shirt and a blue granny sweater...oh yes and her hair is standing on end. Then I watch her actually wave to someone driving by! Get in the house...NOW! Then she talks on the phone to The NJ Waif for 45 minutes and I hear they are still discussing The Pigeon and her chain email. They continue to chatter and solve the economic crisis all before 9:00AM. With all their knowledge and ideas I am shocked that neither Obama or McCain have consulted with them. But then again The Lady is voting for Tim Brokaw because her cousin told her that he was running....see my issues? No logic. None.

But back to my point. She is home...with me....far longer than I am use to. There is only one solution. To look so adorable while I sleep on the couch that she is afraid to disturb me...it works.

Wine Diva's

Hello....It's me...Annie Grace................
So here is an example of the immature behavior that can result at a moments notice. First Pamaleerrr at every event runs around with her camera taking her own self portrait with every member in attendance and NEVER misses. Seriously she does it at every party and the picture is perfectly centered and she looks the same in every one of them. But then again...she does everything perfectly! Except when she is pregnant......then she is completely off the wall. The Lady said she knows this for a FACT as she sold Pameleeerrr's house when she gave birth to The Lady's little Urchin. Once again I screamed at her "Lady....you do not have any children!". She gave me The HHTT Look. Here Pamaleer is with The NJ Waif. They look normal at first. Then the night progresses. This is a wine tasting dinner to which most are acting like adults. Not this table. Yes, acting like a walrus at the dinner table. Very mature. The Lady claims Pamaleerrr started it. Where are The Urchins? Since Pamaleerr's husband was serving all the wine and they were drinking all the wine.........are The Urchins home alone? Probably the little Urchin is rummaging around in old Mary Kay product putting on lipstick made for a harlot while the big Urchin still has no shoes. Ghastly indeed. Babs and Smithy.....this is your offspring!

My services................for my nip.

Hi....It's me.....Annie Grace..........Exhausted!

There is no free ride here. I never had chores in Western Mass and I NEVER had a budget! I am hoping someone from Cat Services at the SPCA is seeing this because it is just wrong! Remember I said we spent the day together? Well this is "THE DAY". Cleaning. Looks fabulous right? Well she was organizing her GNP, and googling George Clooney I was given "just a few things to do before your nip". Now I have to work for my hallucinogens? Most cats just get them.....plain and simple....you just stand there and stare longingly at the closet and POOF the magic nip just appears out of the bag and onto the scratch pad. Its very simple! An hour or two of rolling on the scratch pad, running from invisible demons, dilated pupils, erratic behavior, attacking feet as they walk by, catching flies that don't exist, attacking a paint spot on the wall......DOES NOT REQUIRE MANUAL LABOR FIRST! Does a dog fold laundry to get a walk? Does a horse wash dishes to get a salt lick? NO! I made my annoyance known. As she tried to make the bed I jumped up under the freshly washed sheet and curled up pretending it was a war bunker I needed to hide under....for 2 hours. She could not make the bed so as not to disturb me. Mission accomplished. After I folded the towels......I slept on them for an hour...she could not put them away as to not disturb me. Mission accomplished. She tried to fold sox's....I attacked them violently. Mission accomplished. She washed the floors....I walked on them...mission accomplished. She cleaned the litter box...I promptly used it. Twice. Mission accomplished. Lady, just give me the nip! Quite frankly I am so exhausted I need the nip.....

I think I should move to Florida...........

Hi......It's me....Annie Grace......................


I inquired more about this bonfire night and the cast of characters. This is Eskimo....it seems she is she is moving to Florida with DiDi. They can't take "The Cold" and off they go! The Lady said the fabulous boots must be in the mail to her now as Eskimo might have run out of time and could not drop them off before she left. I think I would like her...she has 22 cats and 7 years of Glamour magazines which I could chew on. But what I have been thinking about is that I should go too. I am just plain ticked off that The Lady had closed all the windows. Every single one. It was my daily duty to sit IN ...not in front of....IN the window all day. I am so irritated and have sat in front of the window and hit my paw on it. She just peers at me from over her glasses and says "Annie...whats wrong?" WHATS WRONG???? Look....the window is shut! I know she tells me. It's cold. Well now I am frightened for this winter. Mind you she has not turned the heat up. "Just put on another sweater she says'. No, I will not wear clothing. I am a CAT. Not your toy. (Like HIM). I have figured out a way to get warm. The hood of the car with a warm engine. It's not the best environment but I have to make do. I have never viewed myself as a garage cat but this is my salvation. the engine is warm for quite a few hours. Usually half way into my magic warm slumber she appears and sweetly says "Annie, I have to go out so I need the car." But of course you do.....again! I am plucked up and brought upstairs to sit in front of a closed window. If I can not go to FL then I must fiend for myself. Please note...the car is dirty. Eskimo...if you want a 23rd cat....I am here.

She is a witch!!

Hi...It's me Annie Grace..............

Yet just another evening out..............this one I found very frightful. It started as a normal day. We got up... I grazed on my carefully measured minuscule portion of Sheba- Tuna Flavored prior to Iams Hairball Reducer which was followed by Wisker Lickens. She is fluttering while drinking her coffee, selecting today's coordinating 3 colors of eye shadow in matte finish. A swirl, tap and brush of Bare Mineral I.D. make up, a poof of Dolce and Gabbana Light Blue and a 2 1/2 minute gaze into the abyss of her closet and then she exclaims perhaps the black cashmere sweater would be better. Oh goody....finally I can be left alone for my pre-mid morning nap. But NO! She exclaims with that sappy look "Annie, what would you like to do together today?" I glanced at the clock. It's 8:45 am. YOU go to work...that's what happens....right? Oh no please go...... "But Annie...I some time off today. WE could spend time together". So we do. Finally she says "Annie... I have to go to a dinner." But of course you do...run along! Off she goes with a smidgen of sparkly lip gloss that she says will look fabulous in the fire. Yes......fire. She is a witch!!!

I get the cast of characters when she gets home.....very very late.

She goes to a house in the woods which was set 700 miles off the main road with horses, a bonfire, a canine who looks just like HIM called Dandy, DiDi, the offspring of DiDi who we shall call Eskimo, The Host and her cherub who we shall call Little Miss Wheeler. Need I recap the scenario or perhaps the photo will help. She says what a fabulous time they had and they laughed, ate and drank. Please note the wine bottles. Those are the ones outside....Apparently Little Miss Wheeler is the only adult in the group and keeps everyone in line. The Lady said Eskimo and Little Miss Wheeler are her "little sisters". So piecing it all together I understand some of The Lady's issues. She has Felon's for parents, JFK Jr, The Rock Star, Little Miss Wheeler and Eskimo for siblings. What I am trying to figure out is Eskimo's boots......is that rabbit fur???????????? The Lady said Eskimo is going to give them to her as she is moving to FL and WONT NEED THEM!! What is wrong with this bunch? Apparently when they all get together it is pure chaos, laughs and fun. What concerns me if the little white varmint in the photo more than Eskimos boots!

Shirley is home..............

Hi...It's me..............Annie Grace........

Sto molto bene, grazie. (I am well. Thank you).

So I sat with Shirley for a while as she is just home from Italy and I am now fluent in Italian. She seems very unfazed by her time constrains and urgency in acquiring The Crown back. Perhaps she is still on Italian time. I feel that if she read all the blog she would be far more concerned about The Pigeon looming....but it is not my concern. I tried to explain the severity of the situation and how she should be shopping for an ornament. The Crown could be in jeopardy and what is so scary is The Tomato Picker has made no indication to the safety of The Crown. Perhaps she is still out in her garden picking the last of her 9,253 tomatoes. It is an honor and privilege to guard The Crown and if one shows up on that blessed evening with a crown that smells of mildew, has dust, cobwebs or tomato vines............well let's just say.........it will be scary! I feel the electricity in the air......... we are only about 8 weeks from The Annual Ornament Exchange (aka The Blessed Event) . It is highly secretive, competitive and violent. First of all they worry that the magical invite won't arrive...these women take their mission very seriously, they lurk around in stores looking for The Perfect Ornament to win, they skulk behind displays if they see another competitor also in the store, they wrap their offering in over sized boxes as a decoy, they steal wrapping paper from other stores to confuse people. They even hide it from each other before The Blessed Event no matter how much wine they drink....the secret remains until that night. Oh, they boast about it once The Perfect Ornament has been obtained. Most even have "a back up ornament" as there is panic on the morning of. Thoughts of ....Is mine worthy? Will I win? It is up to standards? Will I be humiliated? run rampant through their heads along with giddiness that tonight is The Night! They are excited yet relieved that once the night is over they have 1 year before they have to re-live it. At this point I have made a mental note to HIDE on that evening....if not for the entire day of.
As I sat in my chair at the kitchen table visiting with them I did note that Shirley and I do have big hair and we both speak Italian. I have 6 months to convince her to take me.
Ciao!

Preparing for Fall.....Then winter..

Hi..............It's me Annie Grace.............

With my wine..........guarding it from HER. It's MINE! While I have managed to get the bottle...the cooler and drag them to MY window The Lady is very busy. Rotating her closet, organizing her GNP to make it easy to find "fall colors". All of her lotions and potions are ready. Thank goodness! I have lost many nights of sleep worrying about her wearing pink lip gloss into October. I have suggested perhaps she should go for a walk but I got The HHTT Look with a comment of.."I don't have the right attire for fall". Clearly the more covered up you are while you walk the less I will be embarrassed! Slightly. So..here we are. I watch her walk up and down the stairs..rotating the clothes......yet more.....oh yes here come the sweaters, goody...fur collectors. Now the ceiling fans are on winter mode which means without knowing it I should be able to nicely leave my fur everywhere. She has no idea! Right now she is trying on her Pomegranate shade of lipstick oblivious to the economic conditions, elections or fuel prices. If only she can find the right shade of green eye shadow to compliment the lipstick that would just make my life easier. HER preparations for fall are quite ludicrous. She bought spices...very EXPENSIVE spices....she claims this is "cutting back" as she will cook. REALLY! Simply brilliant. Martha Stewart will be sooooo proud. Are we having a fall dinner party? What can I possibly foresee in the fall, winter...oh my goodness. Perhaps she will give out Thomas's English Muffins after her dinner party with spices....very expensive spices. The wonderful spices were hand delivered by The NJ Waif's parents (we shall name them Fig .........as in his jam.....and The Librarian) who kindly brought them coming all the way from some "Township" in NJ. They too traveled through the same monsoon that the lady did. Thank you Fig and The Librarian.

Funny face

Yes........here he is.....HIM...Theodore Joseph Millin...................................

I saw something in this photo that shed a little light onto how he survived all those years here..... her chattering......fluttering.....

Do you see it?

Notice only one ear is up? He only HALF listened to her!!!!! It is brilliant! Everyone thinks he looks cute like that but he was actually in the league of geniuses! I have spent all day trying to perfect this.....I can not seem to only keep one ear down and it may be my only salvation. I will continue to exercise my ears. Perhaps Wisker Lickens will help. I also notice his dirty mouth....she must have loved that! I must seem like a low maintenance Angel. Perhaps I should not be so quick to throw him under the bus.....maybe I could have learned a few things from him. I also notice some cataracts which leads me to believe that her lip gloss never blinded him nor did he have to endure the following reoccurring statement "Annie....how do you think this looks? Does This look good on me?". If you can't see HER then she won't bother you. On many evenings she has awoken me from a royal slumber to ask if something from her GNP has "too much shimmer" or is washing out her skin tone. God Bless Ted!!!! Maybe I have some sympathy or admiration for him,

Then again, he looks more bored than her family. Clearly a "lap dog". Sissy indeed. Just remember HE dressed up like Superman for Halloween. But I am rethinking the Halloween thing IF I dress up will I be allowed to lay and act bored? This could be my salvation. Probably not but I will try it.

Love,

Annie Grace

The Pigeon...is going down.

Hi....It's me Annie Grace................
Here is The Pigeon aka June Cleaver. Drinking coffee from her latest fashionable rubber gloves.

I feel compelled to send out a warning to her. I am sure she has no idea.
I listen to all the conversations that are constant here in this house. The cell phone is always in use and I have no choice but to overhear. I HEAR that The Pigeon sent one of those emails that if you send it to 5 people your luck will come around IF you send it to 10 people the world will offer you everything, you will be rich, happy, beautiful and won't need Expensive GNP. So, The Lady sent out 206 emails knowing that if she did...UPS would arrive with a monstrous package from Sephora, a new car would arrive with a navigation system and Bloomingdales would sent a private car to pick her up. She even sent the email to The NJ Waif....wanting her to share in all the good fortune too. They can take the private car to Bloomingdales together and try on 8,000 outfits. How fun!!! So,they wait..and wait....for the proper allotted time. They wait....and wait....calling each other every 2 1/2 minutes. Nothing! So in good humor The Lady calls The Pigeon saying "how funny..nothing happened". Without skipping a beat The Pigeon said " really! I got a job offer from one of the companies that I have been hoping for, in my allotted time frame." There was an icy silence burning the cell phone lines.
The Lady hung up and called The NJ Waif...within seconds they were plotting. They continue to plot. ALL THE TIME! They went to Bloomingdales anyway, in a regular car, with their own gas...no private driver and were very selective over their spending. They plotted the whole way and the whole way back. The Pigeon is going down! I am hearing a scuttlebutt revolving around The Annual Ornament Exchange (remember, the party of the year in which The Crown is passed on). They are going to bring her down. Oh my! I truly hope The Pigeon is already shopping for "The Ornament" to win the Sacred Crown...to acquire it from The Tomato Picker..... It is going to get ugly.

Halloween

Hello....It's me....Annie Grace,

I was ready to settle down for my mid-morning slumber....after a rather exhausting morning. First thing this morning I took a different approach. It was called The Attack Wake-up......she was sleeping...loudly .....with a small amount of drool.....and I crouched at the bottom of the bed.....went into my Attack Crawl....slowly...like a spy......a very evil spy....cautiously.....and then I POUNCE....and run off the bed...running up and down the stairs ...about 25 times....like I am being chased by a foreign evil spy at 100 miles an hour...then around the downstairs only to race back up and pounce on the bed and say "What did you think?" She said "you look ridiculous" and gave me a HHTT Look which was very pathetic. I myself was highly amused at my antics.


Clearly in no rush to go to work ( hopefully "The BIG sale is coming soon!") she asked me "Annie...what would you like to be for Halloween?"


I raised one perfect eyebrow ..enhancing my perfect blue eyes......and really thought hard before I answered.....Is she serious????


I want to be a cat....like I am....a cat! Clearly if you know anything about Halloween you would see there is always a cat in all Halloween pictures!!! (Not that I want to approach this topic.....but the cat is usually with A WITCH!) There are NO cats dressed up in anything having to do with Halloween. NOT ONE! They are not dressed up and nor do they "want to be anything"....They are CATS! Like me. With A WITCH.

Then I thought of the path of least resistance.....what would YOU like me to be?


She said well maybe a toad.
NO, NO,NO! Try again


Then she said how about a fish?
Nope try again....you have already killed two


Superman? A costume left over from HIM
No.....I almost feel a twinge of sympathy for HIM until she told me he liked it.


How about a butterfly I asked?
You see...wings...I could fly away...to Poland or Italy.



Nope......she did not like that one.

How about an Angel I asked?
See...wings (trying again)...a halo.....I am sooooo gone!
Nope... a big veto. Apparently if SHE can't have a halo and wings....neither can I

Last resort .............how about if I dressed up like HIM?

In a flurry of tears and babbling word that made no sense....she said "really!!!"



Yup....put me in a Superman costume made for a canine that I will be disgraced in front of all the neighborhood...please....... deepen the pain. What truly worries me is that SHE has asked me to be something for Halloween but I highly doubt it is for a purpose...where are we going? A Party? I think not....I am not allowed to leave here. Are we having a party? I think not....I see no indications. Are we going Trick or Treating? I think not.....we will look ridiculous in this small town. Where ...where ....where are we going? I personally think it is a control issue and SHE is scary enough without Halloween.............