Lip Stick Meyham

Hi.....It's me....Annie Grace,

I slept all day on my new pink blanket. She has no idea. As she came home tonight I dutifully greeted her at the door....which I always do...EVERY TIME (read my bio, it clearly indicates my breed does that ...thus one of the reasons we are called puppy cats). Now she is lugging in not only one Coach satchel but TWO....full of work she probably won't do. Now I get nervous because this could mean she might be home all day tomorrow....there is mention of snow. Anyway....... she says "Oh Hi Annie......you look sleepy. Were you sleeping all day?" No.....I was checking my retirement account online, then 5 loads of laundry, emailed my distant relatives in Poland and Italy, organizing our silverware drawer, checking which spices are out dated, telepathically speaking to Yoda in Atlanta, reading police beat in the local paper making sure none of her acquaintances are in it, oh....and finally...... cleaning my own litter box. But, that is not what I told her. I told her that I had found a tube of lipstick under the table. She just about jumped through the roof. "Which one Annie? Was it Sienna Sunset? or Mary Kay Suede? " I paused for a moment really thinking about the ludicrousness of her identifying 2 missing tubes by name. I stared at her....for about 3 minutes never blinking my eyes. I was hoping that when I blink....she would be gone. "I really an not sure Mommy Dearest" I told her. She has now pulled out all of her lipstick to make sure that no other were missing. Seriously......Look



Now she is telling me that because we are on a budget there are no new colors in sight. Which I find truly horrifying since I do feel that most of her colors are appalling. Plus....the spring line should be out soon. Please God......help her sell a house so I am not in this position again....frightful lipstick....displayed on my table. I am now learning which ones are "color stay", gloss or vibrant. I am now listening to the story of her Lip Fusion Plumper being confiscated by airport security as they are now considered....liquid. Once again......no impact on my life. But I listen.

Peace

Hi......it's me...Annie Grace.....
It's been a tedious day here. First of all I must tell you it started when she got home tonight and picked me up. "Oh Annie you are purring.... you must really like me!" she says. No......I am hungry or have gas. Please.......put me down. No.....that does not work, so I start The Squirm. Acting like the way she is holding me is the most painful and awful way you can hold a cat. "Oh Annie.....I am sorry! Did I hurt you?" she now says. Finally released from her clutches....I saunter around the feeding station until I get a treat....all from her guilt. That would be her guilt of being needy. Works every time! With boundaries clearly established for the evening I thought I was safe. Apparently not. Now I get an hour long dissertation on her day. As my head starts to nod and I no longer can feign interest, salvation......the phone rings. As I skulk off to admire my throw up stain on the carpet from yesterday, which is not visible to the naked eye (thanks to Ms. Type A clean freak) but I know it is there...... I now get side tracked as I walk through the TV room. I gasp! She has moved things around again. Why oh why can't the furniture and decor just stay the way it is? Now I have to learn the new layout. Thankfully my nesting serving tray on the ottoman is still intact. Next she comes flouncing in the room with a goblet of fermented grape juice, flops down and looks right at me. Oh dear..... So I get up, sit right next to her and just stare at her. For about 7 minutes. After about 7 minutes I just swish my tail...continually......never taking my eyes off her. This signifies my attention and happiness (Please...all cats...take note. It really works!) Actually I am really staring at her because I am wondering what she was thinking with her make up this morning. I am not sure if I should bring it up now....... she use to have a rather vibrant selection of eye shadow but now...... it's dull and boring. Perhaps the Simmering Nudes from Bobbi Brown was not the best decision after all! So now I just sit with her. I listen...having no idea what she is talking about because it's like listening to Charlie Brown's teacher. Wawawawaw.....right Annie? Wawawwaaw...
Now we just sit. Quietly. What a blessed relief! Me thinking of how to escape and her thinking about how we have come a long way in 6 months. With a tear in both of our eyes...we both agree that lighting a fire would be a good thing. Me.....to send telepathic SOS smoke signals and her to pretend she is "roughing it".

Hi....it's me...Annie Grace.....
The stereo is deafening..... I am use to it now though...frequently the stereo is blasting and I often remind her to please not sing so loud. I have a reputation to uphold and a stellar image on the street. Now it is Bonnie Raitt

"Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery....Make a me a poster of an old rodeo...just give me one thing that I can hold onto to....to believe in this living"

So, I shake my head and ask her "Have you ever been to a rodeo....or Montgomery?"

"Well, no. But Annie I think I belong in the West" she exclaims.

Now I am about to get exasperated.

"Having a crush on Kenny Chesney does NOT mean you belong in the West!" I say in a huff to her.


There it goes! A light bulb in her head......now she is googling to see where Montgomery is....and where Kenny Chesney is. Neither will find her. ...nor will she find them. But that it not my problem. My problem now is trying to find a way to escape her clutches tonight. I see the writing on the wall...she is now changing into her brilliantly bright pink pajamas (yes....the 3rd pair she received this season), these are from The Bean (that would be Carleen The Bean) and quite frankly I am just sick of seeing them....all the time. Neither George, Hugh or Kenny would like them all the time either. And....I mean all the time! Now she is slipping on her handmade red/white/blue knitted booties...which mind you are very dangerous on hardwood floors. (Thanks to Smithy and Babs....the Dough Thieves) Clearly we are about to "bond" tonight. I am horrified.
"Oh Annie...would you like to watch a movie with me tonight?" she calmly asks.
No....No...No.
"But Annie....we will bond"
See! I knew it!
No.....No...No,
"Do you want some Wisker Lickens before we watch the movie?" she blackmails me with.
Yes, that is fine. I'll take the left side of the sofa.
Off we go. Me to endure another girls night together after I scoff down my Wisker Lickens and then probably throw up in the living room, then use the litter box and finally settle down at her feet. Counting down the minutes until I can go back to bed. George, Hugh and Kenny.....count yourselves lucky.....I have taken your burden!

Hi......It's me...Annie Grace......

We have just had a small wrestling match.....I won. She is now examining her arms and the blood. I am happily chomping on Iams hairball reducer, quite pleased with myself. Let's just say I think we all know who is boss of this abode. No....please not an ounce of sympathy for her! This is a typical Sunday for me. Follow along....

6:46 AM Wake up

6:47 AM Wake her up (days of the week are insignificant to me)

6:48 AM My one minuscule tablespoon of Sheba

6:49 AM Chomp on Iams hairball reducer- chicken flavor

6:50 AM Stare at her until I get my Wisker Lickens treats

6:51 AM Demand to be petted

6:52 AM Continue to demand attention....for about 14 minutes

7:15 AM Allow her to make her coffee

7:30 AM Back to bed for a nap

8:00 AM Awake to a horrible noise in the house.......The vacuum cleaner

8:01 AM Stare at the vacuum cleaner and her with my most prized HHTT Look

8:30 AM Still can't sleep but now endure the smell of Murphy's soap and a mop. Continue with the HHTT Look

9:01 Smell Pledge-this is not good for my launching spots...I just know it! Keep the HHTT Look.

9;45 AM Awake to the washing machine clanking.....off balance again. You would think she can figure it out by now!

10:00 AM Still can't sleep...now the dishwasher is going

10:01 AM Jump up! I smell turkey!

10:02 AM Saunter into the kitchen. OMG! Turkey soup is brewing

10:03 AM Scoff some turkey...acting like I actually missed her

10:05 AM Gazed out the window like I was lonely

10:06 AM Got more turkey from her guilt

10:30 AM Listen to Stevie Nicks "The Nightbird" 8 times while she dusts and polishes the granite

10:45 AM Help her google to see where Hugh Jackman is today

11:00 AM Help her pick out which frighteningly short skirt she will wear with her Ugg's today

12:00 PM Push her out the door to go to work...all while complimenting her eye shadow, shimmer and lip gloss

12:02 PM Off to my pink blanket for sleep

4:42 PM Hear the garage door opener. Quiet time is over!

4:53 PM Wrestling match!

Seriously.....I DO NOT exaggerate.

Real Estate 101

Hi....it's me....Annie Grace......

I have some exciting news. No seriously.......

I have a new pink fleece blanket. After all of my rolling on the towels and draping my body over the mound of towels for....about an hour The Lady has figured out that it's not just the fabric softeners. I am quite happy these days. So much so I actually sat at conversed with her. It started by accident. I was sitting on the floor gazing up through a window to the sky.....for about an hour. Then I hear "Oh...Annie...what are you doing?" I turn my head about 1/8th of a millimeter toward her (which she will never notice) and think of all of my possible responses.
1. I am pretending I am a statue
2. I am speaking to an alien...telepathically
3. Looking for Fred...The Fox
4. Conversing with a Hawk....using Morse code...in my head
5. Practicing good cat posture
6. Meditating
7. Signally a Hawk where the squirrels are...I could use a little carnage action to watch
8. Seeing how long I can sit without you asking me what I am doing.

But No...... "Nothing Mommy Dearest.....are you working today?" is my response. I get up and sit at the kitchen table with her patiently listening to her upcoming day. Knowing that my pink blanket and a nap are only an hour a way.....I try really hard to not let me eyes glaze over as she is talking. I have now memorized her day. I am suspect that she will only fix her lip stick once today but....other than that I think all of her days are like this!

10:00 am Go to pick up a client
10:28 am Find flashlight, boots and hand sanitizer
10:30 am Show a foreclosed house (priced at $139,000) Seriously!
10:40 am Leave the foreclosed house as the client says it needs too much work
10:44 am Figure out what legal ramifications there are for strangling a client
10:50 am Googling the maximum prison time sentence for leaving client by the side of the road
10:53 am Smile and put client back in the car
10:54 am Agree with the client that the home of her dreams is obtainable and the 22 foreclosed homes looked at in her price range are not an indication of what she can afford.
11:00 am Drop client back off with a smile agreeing that "We'll keep looking"
11:25 am Fix 3 For Sale signs that the plows have knocked over
11:40 am Fix 2 For Sale signs that the wind has blown over wondering why the Sellers can drive out 4 times a day and never fix it themselves
12:00 pm Home Inspections - 2 hours of listening to everybody and their expert opinion on EVERYTHING.
2:00 pm Leave home inspection. Get stuck in the snow
2:30 pm Get out of the snow and fix lip stick
2:45 pm Grab a Vitamin Water for lunch
3:00 Wonder what to do for an hour before next showing. Stroll through Marshall's for 45 minutes with no wallet all while avoiding 8 people you really don't want to bump into.
3:50 pm Drive 30 minutes to next appointment. Can't open the main gate with remote. Park down the street and walk to complex. Try gate opener again and it works.
4:30 pm Clients arrive. Spend 2 1/2 minutes looking and they say nothing. Smile, wave and say "Thanks for coming!"
4:41 pm Back in car, drive 30 minutes home.
5:15 pm Wonder if it's too early for a Princess Martini

I myself will spend all day upstairs on my pink blanket.

The Fire Watcher

Hi....it's me...Annie Grace,

I have just narrowly escaped from having to sit on her lap while she is on the computer. I feigned hunger, acting like I had never seen my food all day and was just discovering it. Brilliant! So we are now on better terms. Well... I should clarify. She is on better terms with me. I on the other hand have decided that I will continue with my HHTT Look for at least another 2 days. What I have asked for is that she gives me a fire in the fireplace. It is my new drug of choice. The fire speaks to me and I telepathically speak to it figuring that the smoke signals will make their way to salvation, freedom and life without imprisonment. Clearly I will be saved! I am trying to give her a signal to light the fire but now she is so busy working and watching Extra....wondering why anyone cares about Tom Cruise anymore. Alas, I get her attention! She gets up (with a groaning noise that I thought only Old People make...) and is now preparing my fire. So I must go...and spend hours gazing, hypnotically making my way to my homeland...Poland...or Italy.

Ciao

I might be up for adoption...

Hi....it's me....Annie Grace.....

Yes, I am in a lot of trouble. Which is why I need all the support I can get. Maybe it's being stuck together for extended periods of time.......
She gets home from work tonight and had a very weary look in her eyes which I should have paid attentions to. Which is why I jumped up on the dining room table.....to better look her in the eye....while she was negotiating a "deal" on her cell phone. I figured this was my show of support and affection. Next thing I know her arms are waving, she is snapping her fingers...all while mouthing something at me. It sounded like OFF but I really could not tell. So I elegantly draped myself over the table....on my back ....while swiping invisible mosquito's. She walks out of the room in a huff with her high heels clicking. I am guessing this was the wrong thing for me to do! Next I wander into the kitchen and am trying to talk to The Lady....in MY language. NOTHING! She is still talking on her phone and now I hear "Shhhhhhhhh." Which I have no idea what that means. I would suspect she is now contemplating my profile which says that "Ragdolls are quietly demur and rarely vocal". What idiot wrote that bio? I have no idea. Next, she covers the phone and says "Annie....Shhhhhh, I am trying to negotiate" I shake my head and my rear left paw (which signals disgust. Seriously....look it up), peer up at her and say "Yes.... I see. And I.....am trying to negotiate a treat. Seaside Flavor preferably." That does not work. I also need to have a talk with The Lady about my treats. I like the Wisker Lickens-Chicken flavor and The Seaside Delight-Seafood and Specialty Turkey/Cat Nip flavored. I DO NOT LIKE them mixed....which they are all. Not acceptable. So anyway.....It all started this morning which I dutifully woke her from her Princess slumber before 7 AM and accidental tried to trip her on the stairs. Seriously...it was an accident. I would never jeopardize my Sheba. Next I went back to bed after my 1 minuscule tablespoon of breakfast Sheba. I thought she needed space to get ready for work. Then when she came to check on me before she flounced out....I asked her if she really needed 5 shades of eye shadow today. Seriously.... it's mid week. 5 Shades? Off she went. So all in all....very productive day for me.

We are going insane......someone is going to get hurt.

Hi.....It's me Annie Grace.....
With visions of dancing sugar plum fairies, twinkling lights, Christmas carols and a big tree in the living room long in the past The Lady and I are about ready to visit our Toad in Miami. Snow...snow...snow and yet more snow. While all of this really has no bearing on my life it does affect my personal space and she is driving me insane. We spent "quality time" together yesterday...all day. Apparently sleeping on the dining room table is unacceptable. I was a little shocked as that is what I do EVERY day at 10:29 AM until 2:37 PM. Why would I sleep close to the windows now? They are cold. Why would I sleep on the floor? It's cold. Why would I sit in the front door? It's cold. I need height and space close to a radiator.....it's perfect! Has she no heart? So anyway..... I have to keep reminding her to get out there and shovel, which gives me some space. She says while applying a top coat of Opi -I'm not really a waitress vibrant red nail polish "Oh Annie...that really is really a man's job". Yes, I am fully aware of that....BUT THERE IS NO MAN HERE!!! She sighs, gently blows on her appalling vibrant toe nails and feels she has to wait about an hour before she can put on boots. I examine her toes closely....making sure not one whisker touches them and decide that she really should read more Cosmo magazines as she would know that red is .....out. But that is not my concern. With the mystery of Fred.....the fox....all solved we are now on patrol early in the morning to make sure he is OK. I have tried to remind her that he is a wild animal (does the word rabid...ring a bell?) and dressing like an Eskimo while looking for him is not "soothing for him"and you do not "blend". He is not from Alaska and your attire is not feminine. I am suspect that this winter dressing has destroyed her self centeredness....just a tad. She is in the abyss of her closet surrounding herself with flip flops and summer dresses sobbing. I comfort her by joining her and sleeping on the basket of bathing suits. Before I doze off I remind her that she looks a bit peaked and perhaps some shimmer will help. Off she goes....to rummage through her potions and lotions.

The mystery of the Squatter....solved

Hi....It's me Annie Grace.......

I started my morning on a good note. Threw up...early. Used the litter box....loundly...early. Flung the Mary Kay lip balm off the table on to the hardwood floors....early Woke The Lady from her very deep slumber......early. Got my one minuscule tablespoon of Sheba...duck flavored and now feeling quite content I ask The Lady where she was so late last night. She tells me "out". Well I am suspect as to where based on the fact I know that George Clooney is on the east coast and I fear she was hanging out at the train station hoping he would stop through town. "So Mommy Dearest.....where were you?" I ask again while chewing on the Bloomingdale Catalogue that she really did throw out without opening it. She is busy trying to convert the temperature to C from F. She found a setting on her car that now reads in C not F and has adjusted the language to Dutch. Please keep in mind...she can not compute a checkbook. Her temporary metric conversion....will not last. Finally after giving up she turns and looks at me to which I mentally am thinking she forgot her eye cream last night while saying "Oh Annie.....I had a date". I just about threw up again. A WHAT? No seriously.....I know she tends to exaggerate but I almost believe her. Let's be honest, I highly doubt it was George or Hugh but now I am curious. As you can imagine it was a rather lengthy story so I will summarize for everyone so you don't have to endure what I did.

She went on a date.

Now she is coming back in from checking to see if the squatter is back as it was snowing all last night and there is shock in her eyes. "Oh Annie......you are not going to believe this. I saw it. Up close it was 5 feet away and it never even ran away. It's beautiful!" She says. As I am cleaning my right paw and still pondering that someone CHOSE to spend time with her and have dinner with her without being hostage, I ask "What is it?" A fox ..... I am told. I KNEW IT! Paw printing me in a bowl of snow for identification was a waste of my time. By the way....it's male. She watched it "mark" her boxwood. I am now suggesting to her that we just LEAVE IT ALONE.... after we name it. We have named it Fred...the Fox. I am quite sure when our Toad comes back from Miami in the spring. It won't be happy.

I love my Bounce

Hi....It's me.....Annie Grace....

Today is laundry day......actually just about every day is laundry day. The folded towels are my favorite. The Lady endlessly chatters while folding.....my eyes glaze over.....to the point that I pretend to be fascinated with the sofa. She is continuing to discuss with me all of my flaws. Like I care. Apparently when I wake her at 6:45 AM (Which is progress from my 5:29 AM initial rising time when I was kidnapped here to my current abode) for my 1 tablespoon of Sheba (which mind you SHE started this....NOT ME) early in the morning and as I eat it gratefully (SHE said I should eat slower.....it's more lady-like....I ignore her) I see no issues. The Lady is upset that I turn around and go back to bed to sleep....for like 4 hours. I patiently explained that I need to digest and....it takes 4 hours. I can see she is skeptical and I am afraid that she may actually Google Ragdoll digestion time so..... I do what comes naturally. wreak havoc by looking adorable. I effortlessly jump up on the perfectly folded laundry which is smothered in "time released" Bounce Fabric Softer. First I roll my whole body around it.....then drape myself over it, roll my whole face in it...for about an hour. It's better than The Nip! After that....I sleep on it. She tiptoes around me, now distracted by the fact that she is quite pleased with herself thinking.....I am happy. I would be a lot happier is we double my Sheba intake consumption and do not discuss in the future.... my sleeping time. It's really not necessary. So anyway....we have more snow and I can tell this will be a long winter. Twice this week The Lady forgot to apply her mascara which clearly indicates weariness. It's probably just as well since that was part of Our Budget and cutting back. As I smell the air filling with Dolce and Gabanna I am suspect that she is going out to dinner....again. Peace and quiet.

Winter Etiquette

Hi...it's me....Annie Grace....

My head is splitting....I have just endured a breakfast (1 tablespoon of Sheba and Wisker Lickens) of The Lady's etiquette for winter. Most of it has no bearing on my life or is cause for concern to me.

1. After January 15th all Christmas (ooops.... Holiday ) decorations shall be removed or each home will be fined $150 per day.

2. Snow removal on cars- all cars without all snow removed from the roof shall be fined $150 per hour. Seriously....how stupid do you think you look with a Mohawk of snow on your roof?

3. Have a minivan or SUV does not constitute driving like you are in a Zamboni. You can still go off the road!

4. Having a minivan or SUV does not mean........get really close to my tail....while on the phone. I will slam on the brakes...no problem. I know more State Troopers than you....guaranteed!

5. Jogging on the main streets while sidewalks are not yet plowed. Is it REALLY necessary?

6. When you don't live in the house you have for sale....... People still need it plowed and shoveled! Like.......

7. Getting your car washed prior to a snow storm....the day of!. Are you just ignorant to your weather or do you just like spending unnecessary money and then having everyone see your stupidity?

8. Running to the store for groceries right before the prediction of snow. Do you really have no food in the house? Have you ever not been out of the house and on the road the next day after snow?

9. Buying milk and bread before snow. Seriously.....they go bad very quickly. I suggest vodka (also act as an antiseptic for injuries...milk won't help you) and starch is not necessary......might I suggest pork tenderloin with shallot lemon Brussels sprouts? Less calories.

10. Last but not least...if you live in the North East......buy a home within walking distance from a drinking/eating establishment. Trust me.....it is way too much fun during a snow storm! Ask Schmirl.

My cousin...Manny

Hi......It's me.....Annie Grace.....

This is my cousin Manny. I have never met her and yes....HER name is Manny. She is here in a box at Christmas (I was not invited) which I truly understand the joy of a box. I have a new box today. I came strolling through the living room looking for a place to sharpen my claws,drop fur clumps and otherwise wreak havoc and BOOM.....there it is. I investigate like a CSI agent and then read the return label, now my tail goes straight, the head whips around and I give her my blue eyes dagger look. It says Nordstrom's and the post mark is recent. How did this purchase slip by me? Now I reflect on the beige eye shadow the other day ....which I have never seen and I confront her. The Lady pathetically tells me that she thought I needed a new box and she felt one from Nordstom's or Sephora would be best. I remind her about "Our budget" and the economic conditions (to which she has a very blank look). I stare her down....but she is too busy organizing the junk drawer. She looks up and says "Oh Annie, I had a gift certificate for Nordstrom's and I needed the Dior waterproof Trinidad Black eye liner.... and Bobbie Brown's palette of shimmering nude eye shadows was also on sale so....it did not cost me anything.......and I knew you wanted a new box" I am suspect of this but it explains the fascination with the beige eye shadow. This is the same lunatic who wanted to paw print me...for identification! So...here I sit in a $51.49 box in front of the fire wondering if my cousin Manny has such special treatment... Meanwhile now that "the cat is out of the bag" she is showing me all 6 shades of shimmering nudes in great detail exclaiming what a "fabulous deal" they were. I stare at her eyes so long....I go cross eyed and then fall asleep.

Our Squatter

Hi....It's me...Annie Grace....
We have survived yet another glazing of snow (Yoda.......I am sure you miss this but talk to me in August...from Atlanta) to which I managed to escape bonding when I protested that the smell of Thai Curry Chicken simmering was too potent for my delicate nose. I escape by sleeping...upstairs.......all night. As she creeps up the stairs, I hear her coming and although I was mid-way through cleaning my left front paw....I freeze, go limp, close my eyes and just mentally remove her from my world feigning sleep. It works. Now I hear her again this time I open one eye 1/8th and almost snorted out loud. She looks like she just came in from climbing a mountain in Alaska. So I ask her WHAT she is doing! "Oh Annie, I was outside to make sure the squatter/bear is not coming back. I have some snow here in this bowl, would you mind if I get a paw print from you to rule out a domestic cat?" I blink....about 50 times...repeating my mantra "There's no place like home...there's no place like home"....in Polish. I have never touched snow on my paws in my life. I am laying on a warm fleece blanket, just about perfectly groomed and you want me to get up....place my paw in a bowl of snow? "Yes...please" The Lady says. I give her The HHTT Look for about 3 minutes until she leaves Seriously...... I could care less WHAT it is....IT has no bearing on my world and I am suspect that we have a bear (polar or brown), fox, bobcat or fisher cat living here and I do not feel I should be paw printed like a common criminal. We will not be speaking......for at least 3 hours until....I feel like it.
I have figured out that if there is a church on your own street.....the road is always plowed by Sunday mornings, so she will be gone tomorrow with the house still smelling like Thai Curry Chicken.

Hi....It's me....Annie Grace...

I am cherishing my quiet moments while they are fleeting. Yes.....more snow. The Lady is out gathering last minute supplies which are sure to enhance my safe well being. A vat of curry chicken will surely make me safe. She leaves this morning complaining that she has to show vacant properties and that means no high heels as most come with show instructions ending in a comment of "bring a flashlight" which is not a good sign. So off she goes appropriately dressed in cream and brown Ugg's (not the 3/4 chocolate Ugg's that she desperatly wants) which she feels is the best attire for vacant/foreclosed properties. Black is too severe and dooming, white is too angelic and signifies purity .....which houses with no electricity and scurrying rats might counteract any pure thoughts. I notice she is liberally applying matching beige eyeshadow which I am suspect is new and I have never seen it. So now I breath a sign of relief as she sashays out the door like a cyclone of Dolce and Gabanna Light Blue. Now I rest...... on the dining room table which I am in a little bit of hot water for. Last night she comes home from work in boots that I feel are a tad too risky for work...but who am I to point out her flaws and this is our conversation
Mommy Dearest: "Annie, were you on the dining room table?"
Me : No
Mommy Dearest: "Why is there hair on the table runner?"
Me: "Because my hair floats.....upward. Maybe you should clean more"
Mommy Dearest: "But Annie...there are clumps. You know the tables are off limits"
Me: "I have never been on the tables" (This is where I must open my eyes wide to accent their blue innocence)
Mommy Dearest: "Annie, seriously....you have hair on the table. I know you were there."
Me: "Not me"
Mommy Dearest: "Well then who?" (Now she looks mad ...really mad ...and I am not sure if I should remind her that her frown line might deepen)
Me: " Maybe it left over from HIM?" (As soon as I said it...I knew I was doomed....she just sprinkled his ashes over the river today..... Now I am quickly thinking about how to back paddle..)
Mommy Dearest: Annie..... How could Ted's hair appear now?" (Her hand is on her hip and she is looming over me....totally a control thing.)
Me: "I have no idea."
Mommy Dearest: "Really Annie...."
Me: "Is that beige eye shadow new?"
Mommy Dearest: "Yes Annie....don't you just love it!"

Now she is exaiming herself in "low lights" to see how the new shade looks.

With a sigh of relief that the moment had passed and I have escaped any punishment by deflecting it to her self centeredness....it is time to rest. She will be arriving home soon...to bond. I must make a note to self....no clumps on the tables.

The Rock Star....falls

Hi .......It's......me....Annie Grace,

What a lovely Christmas Eve dinner at The Cleavers! Without me.....Please note The Lady and JFK Jr are missing from the photos which means:

A. They are doing shots in the kitchen

B. Doing all the cooking while everyone sits

C. Trying to figure out how to convert ounces to 3/4 of a cup for cooking and neither one has a clue.

My guess would be "A" but one will never know.

So........after much laughter, wine, The Rock Star snorting while laughing, wine, Cherubs glancing around the table at each other wondering if they can sell this family on ebay....it happens. The Rock Star gives a big snort and falls off her chair. Yes..... OFF the chair. There is still speculation if The Mother Felon pushed her but...one will never know.

Anyway..... this year was the first in many years that The Rock Star was home and she clearly wreaked havoc. First she wins The Blessed Event, then she doles out fabulous presents to everyone and The Queen just burst into tears when she saw the lavish gift from The Rock Star.....Diesel jeans! Couldn't you just die! So off The Lady goes to try them on completely gushing about how fabulous she will look. As she tries them on... and tugs...and tugs...they don't fit! Now she peers at the store tag....clearly they are mis-marked. So she tugs them off and now figures she will examine the inside tag thinking she will file a complaint and sue at the store of purchase for emotional trauma and misrepresentation. At this point The Lady is thinking that the store will give her thousands of dollars in gift certificates. Already thinking about the 3/4 chocolate UGG's that she will finally get....The Lady now reads the tag inside the jeans and breaks out into a cold sweat...there is no mistake. How will she walk out in the room? The shame... Now what? For a fleeting moment she figures she will remind everyone that perhaps they are a "junior cut". She calmly walks out and proclaims that it is just a fluke. It gets worst...the following day The Rock Star brings two more pairs of Jeans for the lady to try on. The Rock Star pushes and pushes..."go try them on...one of them will be way to big but try them on anyway" she says. With strength and humility....The Lady tries them on. With the opening of The Wide World of Sports theme ringing in her head....."THE AGONY OF DEFEAT". They do not fit. Head hung low The Lady emerges from the bathroom and silently vows that the holidays are not a time to kill a sibling. Wait until March. She calmly folds up the jeans and gives them back to The Rock Star with a tear in her eye and yet a smile. Clearly the whole industry of jeans is wrong. Then The Mother Felon says "Oh your father and I were just saying how good you look.....sometimes you look too thin." TOO THIN???? Is there such a thing in the mind of a shallow, vain and delusional mind of a woman who would kill over Dior Waterproof Intense Brown Eyeliner? Then The Father Felon pipes in "You look solid now". SOLID? Like line backer solid? Like Sears Toughskin Jean solid? Like a solid as a big rock? The stress of family at the holidays is just crystal clear now.

Our New Year Resolutions

Hi....It's me Annie Grace.....

After a complete day of sleeping.....The lady thinks I was anxiously awaiting her return.....NOT. Anyway, as I hear here pull in I quickly scramble from my most recent sleeping berth of the couch and perch myself at the door to greet her with a quite mad look in my eye to which she conceitedly thinks that I was lonely while she was out peddling her wares. It truly is one of my most successful Wild Cards. As she lugs in yet another full Coach Satchel of files that I promptly begin to chew knowing she will not open any of them tonight and will only realize in the morning that my chewing on them has...destroyed them. But that is not my concern. So I asked The Lady about our New Years Resolutions. She sighs and flounces down in MY leather chair and I notice the black stockings. Perfect.......fur magnets. As I feign affection by rubbing myself on them she begins the chatter......endlessly...about how ridiculous New Years Resolutions are. I do not feel the need to remind her that just about everything in her thought process is ridiculous and she is so busy twirling her hair looking for split ends that now might not be the right moment. After a moment she jumps up which completely disrupts me and now begins making a list of Our Resolutions.
1. Read more murder/mystery books with a slight element of trash
2. Watch less news and more CSI or Lifetime movies which will give more insight into the rest of the country with special emphasis on NY, LA and Miami
3. Take a class. Maybe...The Art of Applying Make-up. That falls under the category of Art
4. Take another class. Perhaps...Learning how to live with your remote controls. That would be categorized under Mechanics
5. Take a third class. Life without shopping and credit cards. That one is Education
6. Only have 2 olives in a martini NOT 4. That is budgeting and weight loss! A twofor!!
7. Throw away the Bloomingdale's catalogue....without reading it
8. Never ever go to bed without a full slather of face and eye moisturizer
9. Spend less time at work. Fluorescent lighting is bad for your eyes and skin.
10. Gain weight...like 30 lbs and see who is really a friend and asks you "Are you plumper?"
11. Cut back on exercise. Clearly it's not good for your joints
12. Write a list of all the people who were mean last year and remove them from "Contacts" Ouch!
13. Have the same hair color for the whole year. (I have no problem with that!)
14. Always .....always drink a martini from the Princess Martini glass. It's magical!

She actually asked me how many credits are offered on the three classes she wants to take and will that be applied to her Masters Degree. The only one I can think she will live by is... #14.
Happy New Year!

Love,
Annie Grace

These are the two that solve everything...

Yes, these two have everything figured out. Seriously, just ask them. Ask them anything...they have all the solutions. During the course of the day I have to listen to endless chattering on the phone of how The Lady and The NJ Waif just seem to know EVERYTHING. Now mind you these are grown professuional women who seem quite happy to have received large (very large) glittering mermaids for their Christmas trees. Matter of fact...we had to fix our Christams Tree because it was slightly askew......leaning to the right.....I wonder WHY?

Now please keep in mind..they go to Bloomingdales (these days the coupons are very important to them), they have an abundance of potions, lotions and designer labels. I am suspect that THE HUSBAND does not know of all the purchases but that is not of my concern...we don't have one. So now I watch and listen.....every day.

Our Squatter is missing

Hi....It's me....Annie Grace,
While watching over my abode today. (Actually.....I have done nothing except sleep but.....that's what I told The Lady what I did) I am noticing after The Lady completely freaked out about our Squatter and the fact that it could be a 21 LB bear....because she was comparing the tracks in the snow and now has it down to The Bear or an alley cat which has me more in a tizzy than the bear so it has been my mission to make sure we are safe. I notice she has called DOA Extermination (just frightful in the name alone!!!!) and he was lurking around to rid us of this varmint. I am suspect that it is a MALE cat who is stunned by my beauty and is now trying to woo me. I am sure that word on the streets is that I am so stunning and single. (I am...... not quite sure if they know I am fixed but....that is conversation for a second or third wooing). I just knew that as modest as I am it would take time for these rough and tumble male cats to come alooking. I have decided that based on The Lady's needy nature I am in no rush to leave the roost. Seriously..... It's a full time job with her. Praising her 5 coordinated shades of eyeshadow, her Shocking Pink lipstick, reprimanding her very short skirts, reminding her that I am not a child..... nor did she give birth to me, and basically putting up with her. Although we have developed a routine and I have grown to tolerate her..... a strapping tomcat would have me looking for a replacement.

Hi...it's me....Annie Grace...

We have received official written notification...the Thomas English Muffin Thieves are on route! Remember? Smitty and Babs......Pameleerrr's guardians? I am sure they have loaded up that minivan with all the tools necessary to conduct yet another heist while driving up from Florida. Coupons, Shaw's and Stop & Shop cards laminated, homemade shopping bags (to help save the environment...they are CONSCIENCES thieves) and weekly circulars piled high as they knock off about 8 states, depriving many families of their breakfast dough. With economic conditions in dire straights I am now concerned for bagels, bollo bread and muffins. I have suggested to The Lady that perhaps if they were concerned for the behavior of their own child? Shopping at Sephora in Chicago as the young Urchin has a dance recital? Martini Parties during a terrible storm? Bringing The Lady a lovely Sephora bag that when she opens it there is nothing but a book...to read and return? No tissue paper? Imagine the dismay to get a large Sephora bag, especially around the holidays and open it.......and see no product. Horrifying indeed! THEN Pameleeerrr proceeds to casually slip out of her large satchel with various NEW products that she aloofly says "Oh...I got this in Chicago...look it's Stila...shadow, liner and smudger...all in one." Next it's a fabulous new shade of Benefit lip stick and gloss all in one. Once I heard about this episode I also had a pit in my stomach...just like The Lady who is now rummaging in her luggage thinking that maybe there is some product she has forgotten about from the last time she traveled. There is not. So here we are....Sephoraless.....waiting.....

We have a squatter

Hi....it's me Annie Grace.....

Out of sheer boredom today I decided to try a new Wild Card. I put my paws up on the back window sill and gaze out. She sashays by.... reeking of Dolce and Gabanna Light Blue (clearly a heavy hand this morning) "Oh Annie.......look how cute you are" she says. So slowly I turn my head, open my eyes really wide and just innocently stare at her. She tip toes away realizing that once again she is encroaching. Then....I gasp. She quickly comes running with some sort of headband now on which I ignore and know she is trying an Audrey Hepburn look but this is much more critical. Look ....I tell her. The vagrant is back. Every snow storm now SOMETHING is living under the deck. There are fresh tracks in the snow coming from the woods and the bamboo lattice is torn back. Now I am nervous. Am I in danger? Bob cat? Fisher cat? Fox? Raccoon? What is she going to do about this? First she photographs the damage thinking we can sue for punitive damages and then the tracks as evidence so when CSI comes to investigate she has the evidence before it melts. I take note that she did apply fresh lip gloss before entering the crime scene. She also thinks it might be a good idea to email them to The Felons as they have loads of tracking experience ...they actually prefer identification of wild animals by scat....but we will not be looking for that! Anyway......after her standing there for about 10 minutes I realize she has no idea what to do besides photographing. "Go poke under the deck" I tell her. She turns around and looks at me in the window and I see that dazed look in her eye....she is trying to figure out how go find a stick under all the snow without walking by hole. She is smart enough to recognize that there is only one set of tracks so clearly IT"S STILL THERE!

Now she is on Ranger Rick's web site (yes the magazine is still in existence) to investigate while calling The National Wildlife Federation. Oh goody...she has narrowed it down to a 21 lb bear or a weasel.

Happy New Year

Hi....it's me Annie Grace........

Happy 2009. The lady and I have been gone for a week. I know everyone was wondering where are they? Skiing in Aspen for a week. Jet setting in Cannes hoping to be discovered for the next film festival. On a Mediterranean cruise from Greece to Positano. New York City to ring in the new year with Matt Lauer. LA for an addition for Hugh Jackman's next movie. (By the way The Lady is now re-thinking waiting for George and is contemplating writing a letter to Hugh letting him know that she is indeed single and will entertain him courting her)

Nope.... none of the above. We are "spending time together" which has left my nerves quite frayed. On top of that we have had more snow which just has The Lady in a tizzy. She is now composing a letter to the town inquiring WHY the road is not plowed on New Years Eve when she is a single mother with a young child who might need to run out for supplies or medicine. After I read that I reminded her that she is NOT a mother.....I am a cat.... and fabric softener is NOT a supply also that wine an vanilla/strawberry body lotion are not medicinal. I also reminded her that she managed to get out of the driveway and have a martini. "Yes, Annie I am aware of that but it could have been catastrophic" she tells me. Yes, 5 inches of snow is indeed catastrophic. Knowing when to pick my battles....I left this one alone especially since she is now adding to her letter that the fire hydrant across the street should be painted red since it's yellow and she had painted her front door red and they should "match". I am sure the Town manager will love to help her. Anyway.....the house is back to normal. Not a trace of Christmas anywhere by 11:30 this morning. All that's left is the tree.....she is still trying to figure out how to get it outside without fear of my escape. I have continually made it difficult by sitting in front of the door while pretending to be fascinated with the snow. I did hear her mention locking me in the bathroom for a minute but now I avoid even walking by there.

We have new coveted goblet. Yes......Guardian Angel gave it to her and not only does it say Princess on it....it's covered with diamonds and jewels. After each use she hand washes it, wraps it up and then it goes back in the box. She thinks everyone should have one and can not believe that Oprah will omit this item on her "My favorite things" episode.