Dinner with my family

Hi....It's me Annie Grace,

As you know Thanksgiving was hosted by US. I was the center piece, life of the party and basically it was all about me... Everyone came to pay homage to my joining of the family. The Cherubs seemed the most welcoming but I will say that one of The Felons fed me turkey after I watched her strip the turkey of its meat...for about an hour. I wonder if she took turkey stripping while behind bars after a successful peace protest. I am still confused how peace protesting and an expert in ravaging a turkey coincide but.........at least I did not observe her chopping a heart, liver and neck. Ward had threatened to spill on The Lady's counter tops and leave it there.......personally I know that is just cruel. I did my best to keep him out of the kitchen. So anyway..... The Lady spent days perfecting this homemade gravy we were serving and feeling like she has accomplished world peace with this miracle broth. As dinner is served and the last person is seated, everything looks fine, plates are full, The Rock Star has plenty of wine, The Cherubs have their plates loaded with turkey.......and bread, she sits down. With a big sigh she reaches for The Gravy.....it escapes her grasp...she tries again....it topples....she tries to grab it and there it goes all over the center of the table...cups of it. I raise my eye bows with my mouth open and just watch. I calmly turn and walk out of the room. You see I am fully aware of her coordination or lack of. Just ask Fig and The Librarian......they will attest that for each time she has dinner at The NJ Waif's there is a broken dish or spilt wine which always points right back to The Lady. There are broken pearl strands at a jewelry party...need I say more. Perhaps in the future if anyone invites her in public it would be best to sit her in the corner.

Thanksgiving

Hi....it's me....Annie Grace,
I am now recovering from Thanksgiving. Quite stressful on me indeed. First it started before Thanksgiving Day when I strolled into the kitchen lurking around for invisible scraps on the floor. I usually start by peering at an invisible spec...for about 5 minutes......then The Lady notices me and quickly rushes for cleaning supplies as she thinks she missed some dirt. When she get closer to me (and "it") to clean it up, I just walk away like it went away. Just another one of my Wild Cards. Anyway, as I am peering at the spec I glance up and she is holding in her hand...... A HEART, A LIVER and A NECK!!!! I gasp and quickly clutch my chest. Is it my heart? Whose heart is it? Can I function without a liver? Do I have surgery scars now? With my heat racing (by now I do realize it is indeed NOT my heart) I make my way closer. Now she is chopping these gizzards up...briskly and dumping them in a sauce pan. I have spent enough time watching CNN to know there are such people that remain on the loose from horrific crimes.....is she one? Are there mason jars in the basement full of body pieces? Is she connected to "Joe Onions"? With the smell of sauteing body parts now permeating the house, and the large sharp knife out of her hands I finally ask The Lady "What are you doing?". She says "Annie, I am making homemade gravy...the real deal stuff. It's a three part process." With a sigh of relief I watch her now and actually enjoy the smell of roasting body pieces, my perfect pink nose now twitching upward as I inhale the smell. I wonder if there is Sheba-Turkey heart and liver flavor? So we do this together. Me sitting ON her feet as she stirs the roasting body pieces. I just know I am helping!!! For days I help....I am with her ALL THE TIME! Never leaving her feet as she cooks, bakes, measures and organizes. As the turkey is brining....I guard the refrigerator. I just sit in front of it hoping for a whiff as she opens the door. Finally Thanksgiving is here!! As she was out late the night before she almost sleeps in .....until I save the day with the lip balm swipe from the night stand to the wall which always wakes her up. "Annie...Thank You!....we need to get up and cook the Turkey" she says. I give her The HHTT Look. I am fully AWARE of what we need to do...that is why I woke you up! Yes....I saved the day.

Joseph "Joe Onions" Scanlon has been found!

Hi...it's me...Annie Grace..............

After 30 years of this unsolved mystery Mobster "Joe Onions" Scanlon has been found........ buried 14 feet deep behind an apartment complex. Alas we can all sleep better tonight. For days this has consumed our life here. We keep watching the digging...waiting and waiting and then finally the news! They found bones and a boot! No seriously. I asked the lady why we were following this. Her response was the names of these people involved was hysterical and even The Sopranos might not compare. The Lady said that with a name like "Joe Onions" perhaps his future did not look so good anyway. I mean if he was "Joe The Enforcer" or "Joe Cement" or "Joe Iron Pipe" or "Joe 357 Magnum" he would have fared better. I tend to agree with this....his future was bleak. Why onions? Perhaps these were his selections and Onions was just the best at the time.

Joe Parsnip

Joe Summer Squash

Joe Vine Ripened Tomato

Joe Brussels Sprouts

Now I spend all day looking out the window pondering my name and watching for Alley Cats. The Lady as always is fluttering around, listening to Christmas songs, cleaning an invisible speck of dust on the counter tops and googling to see where George Clooney will be for Thanksgiving. I have complete faith he will not be flying into an area in which they just exhumed the boot of "Joe Onions" Scanlon after a 30 year mystery. To which I might add.....both the men who killed Joe Onions were convicted without a body and have since been released. So...I ask The Lady "Don't you find it odd that the men have already served their time and NOW they find he body? Is that backwards?" She said that's Rhode Island. So here is THE BOOT and bones.....on a gurney.

It's begining to look a lot like Christmas....

Hi...it's me....... Annie Grace......

Repeat.... repeat.... the sounding joy...and wonders of his love, and wonders of his love. Sorry, I have so many of these tunes in my head because The Lady has these carols on...all the time...now...in November. She says we should enjoy them while we are relatively sane and not stressed out. What happened to Kidd Rock? James Taylor? So, this morning after swiping the Mary Kay Lip Balm (remember...it's a miracle potion....she guards it with her life) off the dresser, walking over her about...99 times... she gets up muttering about how I am disturbing her. ME? I feel it is pointless to remind her that I have to listen to her snoring at night and talking during my naps excessively which usually start like this. "Annie, are you sleeping?" NO! My eyes are shut, my breathing is slow and even, my body is prone and my head is down....for the last hour! Anyway, after I devour my Sheba-tuna flavored which she says I should eat slower.... that it's not "lady-like". I ignore her. I now turn around and glance at her. I gasped. What are you wearing??? The Lady is a green blob! So she explains there are her new Hello Kitty Pajamas. She said The NJ Waif gave them to her. (this sheds a little explanation....). So, slowly I move toward her to get a closer look but I approach her in predator mode. I am suspect that she could be an alien...a big neon green alien. Not only are they bright green but they have ME all over them! Now my mind is whirling...do I have to wear pajamas? Do they have to have The Lady on them? If so...which hair color shall she have? Maybe a wide variety of years and hair colors? Will anyone else see her in these? Simply horrifying! I skulk by realizing they are the ultimate fur collectors and have made a mental note of that. I have also made a mental note to lock up the Wisker Lickens (from The Felons) and the expensive liquor (from The Rock Star) for the holidays. The holidays are right around the corner she has told me. I have little idea of how that will impact me with the exception of hiding during The Blessed Event. She has asked that I leave "the tree" alone....I pretended I am asleep and did not hear her. I lay on my stomach, head up ....but eyes closed. I don't even open them when I hear a noise. The Lady calls it my Meditation Pose but actually that is my 1 hour of sending mental telepathic SOS's out....to the world....to be saved! At this point I would go with an elf.

Dinner Party favors

Hi......it's me ........ Annie Grace,
After lounging around looking as regal as I can...without falling off the back of my leather chair ....I pondered some of The Lady's evening dinners. Yes, she had another one this weekend and came back exclaiming she now can make risotto....very late. As if that has an impact in my life. After giving her the mother of all HHTT Looks I sprawl out and try desperately to be invisible. It's not working. Her endless chatter.... about the snow, trying to show houses with unplowed driveways, signs knocked down from snowplows, the sales at the malls that she can not attend, the 3/4 choclate UGG's she wants and upcoming dinner parties. I started thinking.....what is wrong with these people she knows. She comes home.....usually late...with party favors of Thomas's English Muffins, 2 cans of Edge Shaving Cream (both with a FREE razor mind you) and other various trinkets. Please keep in mind she gave the Urchins relish and lip gloss. Now she is chattering about her new parents (Babs and Smithy......The Thieves) coming up to see her ALL THE WAY from Florida. I am too tired to tell her that
#1 They are not her parents.....They are Pamelerrr's.
#2 They are coming for The Young Urchins 5th birthday (who is NOT her daughter...really!)
#3 They are coming to visit Pamelerrrr's family!
#4 They are dough thieves....stick with your birth parents....they are only felons.
I am suspect that Pamelerrrr is right. She should be concerned. The Lady is trying to take over her family. Like a bad Lifetime movie.

I have suggested she pull out her Princess Martini Glass and perhaps analyze her warped perception. She fails to see my point and thinks that is a fabulous idea. Now I must go and curl up and give mental telepathic signals to Poland and Italy in hopes that I might be adopted by a "normal person"..... I have very little hope at this point.

Somewhere it is snowing

Hi....it's me... Annie Grace...
So someone commented on my blog which I was concerned about because the indicated they are snow bound. Now I asked The Lady (which I try not to do because she usually bores me to tears with her talking) where is it snowing? She turns around and gives me a very vacant look with her eyeliner slightly askew and says "Gosh Annie I am not sure....maybe somewhere like Poland? Like The Movie Dr Zhivago." I have two thoughts. First of all Dr Zhivago was The Russian Revolution! Not Poland. Second, maybe someone will save me. Could they be in Poland? So I pretend I have seen the movie so we do not have another "girls movie night". But the movie looks fabulously trashy....so no wonder she liked it!

Seriously, click on this links....you will see what I have to live with....Now she is rummaging around trying to find her old music box with this theme song....hopefully it will keep her occupied for a while. I personally know it is behind HIS urn of ashes. But she does not.

Muszę już iść (I have to go now)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSgryyxp-cg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApRIugmdsxs&feature=related

Again....why is she single?

Hi....It's me Annie Grace.....
So I had some time on my hands today. I woke up in one of my Wild Card moments which simply has gone on all day. There are some days I just act like I am possessed....all day. It drives her crazy because The Lady wonders what she did. NOTHING Lady! My brain it like a clock....sometimes it just goes haywire. Simple. So I spent an hour running as fast as I can, nails grasping on the hardwood floors finally catching the carpet on the way up the stairs and when she comes around the corner....I act like she is evil. (Actually...if you saw her this morning you would run too.... clearly make up was not on the agenda first thing this morning.) So after 2 hours of this I am bored with my own antics so I decide to torment her. I start like this...."Hey Lady, how come you are still single?". She freezes, turns around, looks down at me and says "Annie, what do you mean?" This is one of her typical responses to many questions when she has no quick response....I know she is just buying time. Again, I repeat the question. Aahaa...she has rebounded. She has a response. "Simple Annie....I am just waiting for George." Lady, George Clooney is not going to marry you! He will not be packing us up to move to his Villa in Italy. She at that point suggested I read Cinderella.....which I have....and do not see the relevance. Then she suggested I watch Pretty Woman. Which I have....and do not see the relevance. Look Lady you have no logic. None. You are not a living with a wicked step mother scrubbing floors with a kerchief on your head nor are you a prostitute in LA!! "Actually Annie, sometimes I am a prostitute. When I do an open house I refer to it as prostitution." she says. At this point jump up on the window and pretend that I am fascinated by the birds. She thinks I am quite content so she usually just goes away. Nope. ... not this time. "Annie...do you want a father?" she asks while getting a little close to my face. I give her the HHTT look and walk away to go play with the magnets on the refrigerator. Have any of your other prisoners know who their father was? I think not. "Annie...I have an open house today. I will get you a father." she says. Great. She has missed the point.... again.

Happy Birthday to my Lady..

Hi...It's me...Annie Grace...

Today is a fabulous day here. The Lady is puttering around in a great mood. At first I thought she had tapped into her Vanilla/Strawberry Body Butter which she says smells fabulous all day. But no....it's her birthday which I was unaware that she does not work on that day. I probably would not have thrown up at 4 AM this morning. I waited this morning after she finished her Pete's coffee and Special K for her to go. I grow very concerned as she is sitting in her pink pajamas (Nautica of course) with no move to leave. I give her that very concerned look saying..perhaps it's time to get ready for work. That's when I find out she is turning 34 today. (Actually...I know this is not true but I have a moment of weakness and can not ruin her warped perception of how old she is... my Sheba-tuna flavored is in jeopardy.) Now she is jumping up every time she thinks there is a car in the driveway, she said she is waiting for about 12 deliveries of flowers. I personally do not think this town of Mayberry even has 12 deliveries a week but she is occupied so I say nothing. Anyway, So I have reached the conclusion that this will be a very long winter for the two of us....together...alone...snow storms....getting dark at 4:30....a declining real estate market.....I have accepted it and am willing to be on my best behavior today. I did not swipe the Mary Kay lip balm (which she says is a miracle potion) off the nightstand. it's usually what I do in the morning now to get my Sheba-tuna flavored....it works. I did not grovel for more Sheba and happily ate my Iams hairball reducer (not really.....). She is now peering at me from over her glasses because she is trying to read the fine print in an email from Sephora saying they missed her and it's free shipping and says "Annie do I look old?" I immediately pause from washing my ears and think before I speak....... "No... My Lady...but the Dior concealer will be helpful." She jumps up and is now applying it. Seriously. So could everyone be kind to her today...it will make my weekend a tad better!

Hallucigens

Hi....it's me Annie Grace,
I have just come down from a little episode with catnip. I am suspect that she gives me this stuff when she is trying to distract me or has feelings of guilt that she is too busy for me. Which I now question her ability to raise children. What mother would give her kid drugs when she is trying to work on the computer, fold laundry or just stays out too late the night before? Really? I now understand why the little Urchin lives elsewhere. In my hazy mind I piecing what happened earlier. She folded towels and put them on the stairs. I LOVE to sit on the stairs and roll my face in the clean towels for...about an hour. The Lady gets that funny look on her face like something is just a little unsettling. Look Lady, it's just fur! I know they are clean but I am a fabric softener cat just like that stupid bear in the Snuggles commercial. I love the smell. I sleep on them...for about an hour. I distract her by asking her if she forgot blush today...she looks a tad peaked. Now she is rummaging around the GNP while looking in the mirror. Next I decide the refrigerator magnets need re-arraigning. So jump up on the radiator and reach up acting like I had a specific plan in their placement. I have the ability to look all ticked off and beautiful all in the same look. Yup....there it is...the HER look...she is thinking what shall I do? As always her solution? Give the cat some nip. As I hover over it inhaling the fragrance thinking......I wonder if this comes is spray form? What a fabulous perfume. I would put it in her Dolce and Gabanna Light Blue bottle. Maybe she would would actually attract a man! Never mind...we would need a whole field of nip.
So, after I am done with my paranoid state for about an hour. This includes dementia which I have no idea who she is and why I am here? Then I swear I see about 100 mini mice running around the house. I capture all of them...in about an hour. Then I go upstairs and rattle every closet I can find because I am being chased by a purple elephant. Truly frightful. I then watch as one of the mini mice I did not get..ate the purple elephant. Now I am safe so I skulk back downstairs for a nap. Just as I am about to doze off The Lady rudely interrupts..."Annie,what was all that racket upstairs?" I raise one eye half way and think to myself, did she not see 101 mini mice and a purple elephant? No, she did not. She was busy goggling George Clooney and seeing if the price of UGG's had come down. Yes, this is my caretaker. Once again as I about to doze off ....here it comes......another final ridiculous statement from The Lady. "Annie, did the blush help? Do I look better?" I tell her she looks beautiful and finally she is quiet.

A Few of My Favorite Things...

Hi...it's me...Annie Grace,
So we are still moving furniture because it is two inches off. I help by laying on the piece of furniture she is eyeballing to move and perfectly place myself on it looking so content she does not want to disturb me. Then she proceeds to move pictures 3 centimeters down so they are perfectly aligned. I then pretend there is an invisible tiny fly on them which I need to swipe. This makes her nervous as I hear "be careful Annie....that's a mirror...don't break it!". Yes, I am fully aware it is a mirror! I sit on the couch and gaze at myself in it for 2 hours a day. Anyway, she has Christmas music on. So I ask her when did Julie Andrews singing My Favorite Things, which is from The Sound of Music, become a Christmas Carol??? No, seriously..... It is not a Christmas Carol! Raindrops on roses and whisker on kittens (yes, that one is lovely I do admit)...... brown paper packages tied up with string (a big FAT Sephora box would suite me just fine), warm copper kettles ...yadayadayada. So, I have decided to post a few of my NOT SO favorite things.

1. Why can we say Happy St Patricks Day to EVERYONE but not Merry Christmas? Is everyone Irish? (We know the Hogan's are.....)
2. Onions and mushrooms. Gross. Gross.
3. A four way stop sign every 100 yards. No time to pick up speed
4. People who eat their McDonalds and Burger King while parked in the lot after going through the Drive Thu. The Drive Thru is suppose to be because you are "on the road".
5. A very badly dressed Santa wringing a bell while trying to get your money. Ooops ..I mean "donations"
6. Commercials on TV. Why are they louder than what you were watching? How many do we need?
7. The smell of a garbage truck after it goes by. Can't they make giant plug ins?
8. Panty lines. There is no excuse
9. Sweatshirts with Micky Mouse...in public except for breakfast on a weekend. No need. We have ALL been there!
9. Lines at the Post Office....ALL THE TIME! Perhaps as your standing in line you can fill out the info. Not wait till you get to the counter?
10. The smell of Fall. It's rotting leaves...nothing "pretty" about that.
11. Autographs. WHY? What prey tell will you do with them? They are just people with flaws like us.
12.Trying to get on TV. There is no need to yell/whoop and give the peace sign. Your 10 seconds of fame is gone no matter how loud you are. Seriously...watch The Today Show! Try to act poised and you will look better for your 10 seconds.
13. The smell of a wet dog. Please, remember...I am a cat.
14. New Years Day. Now we have 4 months of finding an excuse to party to deal with winter.
15. New Years Eve. Are you suppose to just find someone to kiss? Who invented that??
16. New Years Resolutions. Why... oh ..why do you need to pick one specific day? You will break them anyway. And why do people ask what they are?
17. Since we have covered Beach Etiquette...no need to go down that road again!


Now I must go....she is trying to move my scratch box.

The Holidays

Hi....it's me..... Annie Grace...

So I am trying to get the lay of the land around here. the furniture has been moved. Again. For "a change" she told me. I personally did not need a change. ALL of my furniture was properly placed in my opinion. She explained we have to get ready for Christmas. NOW?? She explained we have to get ready for Thanksgiving, The Blessed Event, and Christmas..... most of all where to place the tree. Now I gaze at the thermometer which says 60 degrees and am quite confused, it's only the beginning of November....and it's gorgeous outside. The blanket of leaves 2 feet deep covering every blade of grass I find enchanting. The Lady does not like to think about the leaves so I try not to bring it up. So I ask about Thanksgiving which the only thing I know is.... I love love Turkey! I think I will go insane for 4 hours while it's cooking. This could be more of a mind game than my hallucinogens. She said they all are coming....all of them! The Felons, Ward and June with The Cherubs and The Rock Star. I asked how they will get through the borders? Apparently during the holidays the borders open...especially while there is free food. Do they still need to provide their passports to leave Mass? No it's all open! Now I am fearful about The Felons. Do I need to lock up my Wisker Lickens and Sheba-tuna flavor? What else do I need to lock up? The Lady said my food is fine but we should lock up the expensive liquor....from The Rock Star. Now I am excited because they have not met me. I am already starting to groom an extra hour each day so I am stunning. The Blessed Event I am quite concerned about as I feel many encroaches will be here including The Tomato Picker with The Sacred Crown (which we are all concerned about it's condition). Christmas I think shall be fun, a tree with sparkly things dangling sounds like fun, ribbon and wrapping paper will probably be more entertaining than those stupid stuffed toys I have. Now I understand all the lists she has been making. I though she was listing all my Christmas gifts or more needless GNP.

The Jewelry Party

Hi....it's me Annie Grace......
With so much rain and fog these days I expected to be stuck here with her. I was totally prepared by saving up some of my hair clumps to drop about every hour figuring this would keep her busy. I then jumped up on every surface using the floor rugs which pushes them so they are askew...now she runs around and straightens them. Next I eat, which I do with such enthusiasm that is pushes food out of the bowl and this requires her to clean my feeding station. I was about to come up with more and then I see her look at the clock jump up and flounce to the bathroom to rummage through her GNP and in minutes there is shimmer, glitter,potions and lotions all being used. So I saunter by feigning no interest, turn back around and sit in the bathroom doorway...watching. "Where are you going?" I ask. She looks down on me while using the eyelash curler which I find horrifying. "Oh Hi Annie....I am going to a Jewelry Party" she says. Now I may be vain and self centered but I have noticed she NEVER wears jewelry. Never. 5 colors of perfectly blended eyeshadow......yes...but no jewelry. So, I am suspect. Very suspect. As I am now having trouble breathing through my perfect pink nose because of the hairspray and Dolce and Gabanna Light Blue fumes I do manage to gasp out " No really....where are you going?" Now I see her pull out this 15 foot strand of big and little pearls. She wraps it around her neck about 5 times and is admiring herself in the mirror....for a LONG time. Trust me, no good can come of this. I know her. Off she goes! When she arrives home....late....I notice the pearls are missing. So I ask where they are. She says "I gave them to Cat." Let me get this right...a Cat was there???? You did not bring me and just gave them to a Cat off the street? She explains her friend Cat (she has no nick name from me...hers is just fine!) Knowing there is more to the story..I do ask. Within 15 minutes of arriving and feeling like a movie star based on the 20 foot strand of pearls and 5 inch heels The Lady was talking...with her hands. Yes, she broke the strand of pearls in the middle of the bar. The whole bar went quiet as everyone watched all the pearls drop one by one and roll...and roll...and ....drop. It was the longest 30 seconds in slow motion. Mean while Cat is trying to collect the big pearls while The Lady is trying to scatter them while balancing on her 6 inch heels. Cat fixed what was left of the strand and The Lady realizing her potential to break it again...gave it to Cat. I told you no good was going to come of that 25 foot chain of pearls. See why I am horrified. Who else does not wear jewelry, goes to a jewelry party and then proceeds wreak havoc? Once again I really do not see the point of bringing up any of her flaws.

Who is she????

Hi It's me......Annie Grace.....

I have just brilliantly scored some Wisker Lickens by laying at her feet while she does the dishes. It's really a ploy to get the treats and drive her insane. You see....I lay ON her feet while she is at the sink, which she finds endearing......not my intent....... she is so swept away by my affections she is trying so hard not to disturb me which leaves her stuck...can't move...without disrupting me! Can't put the dishes away....can't get a dish towel....get my point???????? Her only solution is to get me a treat which in her simple mind is not compromising my show of affection. Once again..... logic is lacking. But anyway....I need to get to my real point. As I lay there gazing at her....thinking of all the photos I see....suddenly it hits me! HER HAIR! (no...there is no gray showing again) What is the actual color? Really.....I hear from her all summer that the sun has much to do with it. Then why? Why...do others not have the same issues? As she came in the door tonight I just new something was different but I was so pre-occupied with grooming I never really looked at her.

Her hair color............ It's not the same as when she left this morning. I swear. It changes...frequently...but this is just shocking! . I have been suspect at her comment about "the sun" lightening her hair. Really...here are two examples...not very far apart in time. How does this happen? How am I suppose to know it's HER when she walks in. I can distinguish the "gray areas"...but a completely different color is scary!

Happy Election Day

Hi...It's me..Annie Grace...
There is so much going on here in my homestead that I do not know where to begin. First of all a huge 18 wheeler showed up in our driveway this morning. I asked what for? The lady while sipping her Pete's coffee explained that today.... is the day! For what I asked? To remove ALL political signs from people's yards. I chomp on a Wisker Licken and venture into a territory I know I don't want to explore. "What are you doing with the 18 wheeler?" I ask. Now she is perusing through 12 shades of purple eyeshadow to see which will look best today. She turns, mascara poised in her hand and says "Annie... I am removing all political sings in this town otherwise they will be fined $200 per day." I shake my head pretending it's a cat thing, peer at her and say "you can not be serious? Your bill was NOT passed by the House or Senate! Matter of fact no one saw it! ". She swipes some shimmering blush on and says "well.. Annie....they will." NO THEY WILL NOT! Now she is off to drive an 18 wheeler around town to remove political signs that she finds offensive and feels is hindering the real estate market.
I sit in the window as I watch her back out, hitting about 5 trees along the way and shifts the gears...(which if you knew her you would know she CAN NOT drive a manual transmission....she says it's too confusing, especially in heels.) Yup...there goes Redneck Barbie.

Statements to ponder....

Hi...it's me Annie Grace.....
We sat tonight eating dinner....Iams hairball reducer with Wisker Lickens and I asked her about some crazy statements and questions people ask. I actually did this to distract her from paying too much attention to me. So I got her going....it was amusing to me.

Who are you voting for - Huumm..let's see I have a 50% chance of having to listen why I am wrong. My answer....John Kerry...he is very handsome. And you?

Don't forget to vote - How can anyone FORGET? Is it a secret day? Do you just guess which day it might be. Has it not been on the news 18 hours a day for 2 years?

Why are they selling? - Oh, because they hate the house...it's a money pit and all the neighbors are weird, felons or just mean.

Why is he/she single? - Oh, because there is something wrong with him/her, they are fussy, commitment phobic and undesirable....if you are not married then something clearly is wrong.

No,.... you go ahead - This is the statement made when you tell someone to go ahead of you in line and they now try to trump your niceness by suggesting they are nicer and they were going to do it but you beat them. Just go ahead and say Thank You they will feel good about themselves all day. This also occurs at stop signs, only it's a gesture. You tell them to go ahead and they just blow off your nice gesture by waving you ahead. Now that is an accident waiting to happen. Why? It must be a control thing.

The house is overpriced - No...you don't really like it enough to make an offer on it, you can not deal with having to make a decision or you don't make enough money to buy it.

How old are you? - Huummm let me see...when was the last time you went to confession and what did you confess? This question only applies in your 19-22 age bracket when you want to get into a bar. That is the only time someone needs to know.

Are you finished? - This occurs when you are eating out and there is no food left on the plate and your silverware is properly placed signifying so. Answer: No.....I still have to lick the plate. Or you are only half way through and now you wonder...am I suppose to be done?

Are you dinning alone? - This occurs when you go out to eat by yourself. No.....I am here with my invisible friend from 1st grade. That will be two...please. Then they suggest they put you at the corner table at the back of the restaurant so no one sees you. Ask to be seated right in the middle of the restaurant and watch the hostesses face. Then linger over dinner like you are in no hurry.

Do you need help? - No...but thank you. The flat tire and hazard lights flashing are just because I needed some time by myself to sip my coffee.

Do you know why I stopped you? - No..officer but please write it down for me on the ticket. Here is where your response is dooming no matter which way you answer. Yes...I do officer-Now you have admitted to a blatant disregard for the law. No...officer..I do not- Now you are admitting you do not know the law.

Are they moving? - No..they will be staying with the house after you buy it.

How many people are you having for Thanksgiving? - Why is there a certain amount you have to have? Oh...you are having more than me? Good. Clearly ....it's the same amount of work to cook regardless of how many come!

Have you been following the stock market? - No why? Did something happen to it? Can you get an update on TV?

What did you do last night? - Oh...went to The Grammy's, then flew to Paris for an after hours party hosted by Sephora, and then went on George's private yacht and was home by 7 AM. And you?

Redneck Barbie

Hi...It's me Annie Grace.....

I personally did not come up with this name....Redneck Barbie....The NJ Waif did. But it seemed so fitting for The Lady...I stole it. First of all who cuts limbs of trees with lip gloss? Who stacks wood in UGG'S? Who does outside work with matching polar fleece to her tee shirt? Simple. A redneck Barbie. No she really is! She has more power tools in her basement and more lipstick than anyone!! No...seriously. We have bolt cutters....for what?????????? She takes care of a roaring fire with a fine wine in her hand. I personally find it horrifying. I live here! Wine and fire should not mix. The power screwdriver comes out more than I care to mention....pictures are hung, bath towel bars are moved....all in the latest fashion attire. Guess what she does when it snows? Drives back and forth over the driveway packing down the snow because.....she can't wait for the plow guy. Oh....yes and she shovels the walkway in a white fur hat. No...seriously.... a redneck Barbie indeed. I had to listen to the most BORING story of climbing to the top of Mt Washington.....all while wearing mascara. Oh .....I am sure it was a big hit when you got to the top. Yes, she told me.

I have hidden all her power tools....labeling all of them so she knows where they are and have confiscated her huge box labeled "painting supplies"...as I cleaned further I feared I would find HIM tucked away as well but she has told me HE is is still tucked away in the bookcase in an urn. Great. Another Hallmark moment.... looming. So... I asked her..."Redneck Barbie..... perhaps you could TONE IT DOWN!!" She has no idea what I am talking about... she is outside wrapping bundles of firewood in twine...so it will look prettier. No logic. None.