Saturday, May 23

Happy Anniversary


Hi....it's me.....Annie Grace,

Today is the day. It's my 1 year anniversary of living in the confines of this insane environment filled with GNP, toxic lingering perfume, and drama. This photo of me is the first day I was brought here after being kidnapped. See how I have aged over the past year. I figured my gifts would be flowing (I got her nothing....) so after my appropriately rationed teaspoon of Sheba I stood and waited. Now I skulk around her feet. Finally I just sit and stare. Never moving a muscle I am perfectly aligned with my mitted paws strategically placed in front of me, and even my ears don't move. What is completely out of my control is the tail. It swishes and there is nothing I can do about it. After about 3 minutes of this The Lady glances up. "Oh Hi Annie, what do you need?" she says to me and I can see she is distracted by the chips on her pedicure which means she will probably break our budget rules and get another one filing it under emergency treatment. What do I need?? A vat of Sheba and Wisker Lickens on demand would be a start. "Annie, I got you a new toy" she says which I am trying to feign interest. Toys are not really my thing. My intellect far surpasses a mouse on wheels or a stuffed ball with Nip. Next thing I know the air is filled with bubbles. When I say filled.....she is blowing them above me and all around me. I simply walk out of the room. "Annie, they are Catnip Bubbles." She is now following me like the fact that the bubbles have catnip in them would entice me. I am so disgusted I go to me window and watch the birds. How would she like it if I blew bubbles in her face filled with Chardonnay wine or Dolce and Gabanna Light Blue???? I will mention she replaced my scratch pad so I am quite pleased with that but will probably still alternate it with the leather chairs when she is not home. Every time she walks in the room I just turn my head 90 degrees and stare until she leaves the room. Finally on the 10th time of disturbing me I ask her what she plans to do on this blessed day. "Oh Annie, I have a lot to do today. First I have to go to the hardware store for plumbers tape and washers to fix the leaking spigots, nails for putting up the weather stripping on the garage door and wine." Then I have to fix the spigots and install the stripping and then I have a showing." Most of it I was able to follow with the exception of getting wine at the hardware store, so I asked about the wine. "Well Annie, the guy that works at the hardware store makes his own wine and I have to pick up a bottle from him." I am suspect that most people do NOT go to the hardware store to get wine.

Wednesday, May 20

Day 363

Hi....it's me....Annie Grace,
I should start out like this......

Hi. My name is Annie...and I am a groomaholic.

It's called spring cleaning in my species language. I have been grooming myself diligently in anticipation of my HUGE surprise party for 1 year in captivity. Today is day...363. I am absolutely certain that in 2 days I shall be set free. Surely this experience was a test to my mental sanity and now I shall be deported to Italy. Or Poland. Somewhere in which I can lead a normal life NOT filled with Sephora, GNP (Gorgeous Nanci Product), Dolce & Gabanna Light Blue lingering in the air at all times, watching The Perfect Storm (with George) about 30 times, endless conversations about...nothing and a life of peace and quiet.
Since I feel the need to bond with my Songbirds in the morning I have been getting up a tad earlier (1 hour to be precise) and this means as my care giver.....SHE too must get up with me. It has been quite a battle. I have pointed out that if SHE did not feed them....we might not have this problem....my point fell upon deaf ears. I was packing up my Sheba to head out in 2 days when she saw me and said "Annie...what are you doing?". Packing up! "But Annie....you live here. Forever." I gasped. Is she serious??? "Oh Annie....it's just the beginning of our life. One year together! What fun we have had." I stare at her. Once again...is she serious? I am a cat. Not a husband. Granted we have a routine, conversations, sleep pattern, and schedule together but A LIFE? I am now under the realization...I am doomed. This becomes completely apparent when she is now showing me the Color Stay Mineral Lip Gloss in summer pink which stays put for 8 hours. I unpack my Sheba, scoff some Wisker Lickens Party Flavors, saunter off to my window and telepathically.....send signals to Schmirl in Italy. Although I am anxiously awaiting my party I do realize I have 2 days to deposit LARGE clumps of hair throughout the house.

Friday, May 15

Judith "Pony" Tail

Hi.......It's me...... Annie Grace,

This morning after looking out the window I quickly conducted my morning ritual of swiping. This time I took the large hand cream tube and really flung it across the room. GET UP! It's miserable outside and I am very concerned about my future. I can not possible live here any more if we do not see an improvement in the weather. Get up and we need to talk about it...NOW! When I get really close to her face I now see that the Lancome Eye Cream seems to have helped. As she sits with her coffee checking all 12 news sources on her computer as Soooooo much happens here on a daily basis and she may have missed a George Clooney sighting I get very agitated. Lady....you are sitting in my seat! "Oh Annie.....take another one" she tells me. No, I want THAT one. So I swirl around her. Sit and stare. Cry. Doesn't take long..... "Oh Annie....here you go. Take my seat, I will sit in the other one." What a good little Stepford Mother she is! In my proper accommodations I now prepare myself for a very boring morning conversation by laying down on MY chair with my back to her.


We discuss (actually I say nothing....) the improving economic conditions (except for Chrysler) and how the only people left in the real estate industry are the old timers. It seems that you need to hold a masters in 7 degrees to get your real estate license and continue to survive in the business.



1. Psychology

2. Hostage Negotiations

3. Finance

4. Construction to include a minor in locksmith studies

5. Anger Management/Grief Counseling

6. Data Processing with a minor in Blackberry functions

7. Psychic/Predicting the future



And also some knowledge of contract law.....but that is optional.


With a yawn I ask The Lady who is left??? Who has survived????

"Just "Pony" Tail and I" she tells me. Now if you don't know who I mean it's because her real name is Judith. When they were young......had money.....and were happy every day......they had fun. They even went to a Spa in Vermont for a couple of days to a ski get-a-way (neither one ski's....but there was outlet shopping really close by). They packed up all their winter attire and went to the Spa and decided that 17 below zero is a tad cold to do anything outside except bring the shopping bags to the car. They even could each afford their own rooms! (Actually The Lady said something about "Pony" Tails housekeeping skills.....but I have no idea what she means)......anyway Judith "Pony" Tail brought with her 6 varying shades of fake pony tails to secure to their heads. This is LONG before Jessica Simpson did so. It also seems that there were "too many children" on their floor so they were upgraded to their own suites on a floor with no Urchins or Cherubs. Let's just say I am quite certain that The Equinox Spa in Burlington Center......has not kept them on the mailing list.

I am quite suspect that there is NO ONE left in the business but The Lady and "Pony" Tail but what thrills me is that they are now.....Old Timers!



Sunday, May 10

Happy Mothers Day


Hi....it's me....Annie Grace,


After much complaining about The Queen not being home to amuse me.....it all came back to haunt me. Yesterday she was out peddling her wares and she decided to stay home with me last night. She arrives home with the black Coach Satchel (filled with files for me to chew while she is out of the room .....a gift indeed!) plops it down, off fly the black peep toed dangerous high heels, the cork comes off the bottle of fermented grape juice, and she now seeks my attention. "Oh Annie.....I had the most crazy day!" she tells me. Did you sell anything? I ask knowing the answer. "Well no Annie but not for lack of trying" she mumbles while exclaiming that Sephora sent her yet another email with make-up specials and new product. I quickly hit the delete button to remove Sephora from her line of vision. FOCUS lady! Feigning interest in her rather dramatic description of her day I now stare at her eyes. What the heck is that?? Glitter?? In her eyelashes? Look Lady.....you sell real estate, you are not a star of the silver screen. As the lashes flutter I become momentarily blinded with each blink. Finally I move my sight to her face. What the heck? Glitter on her cheeks? I am suspect that there is more glitter on her today than on the 5 year old Urchin during a dance recital. Finally she is getting to the end of her day and now stops....looking right at me. I freeze. Not listening to her can backfire. "Annie, did you hear what I said?" she is asking me while putting her face just a tad too close. Yes......continue, please. "Well Annie, it's Mothers Day tomorrow and I only have one showing so we can spend some time together and you can give me my gifts". You would think I would be scared that I don't have any gifts but what is scaring me right now is that someone would ASK to see a house on Mother's Day. Seriously. Well Mommy Dearest.......about my gifts for you. We have a small dilemma here. With the tanking real estate market I thought it best that I etch out a card in my litter box to you and eat out of my bowl without spilling the food all while listening to the new James Taylor CD which I downloaded for you and then we can Google where George Clooney is. Right now she is so busy checking to see how the Revlon Color Stay Liquid Lipstick in Sangria has held up for the day so she missed my proposed presents. I pour her some more wine and endure an evening with a rather ridiculous movie which is so far removed from real life for the 5th time.......

Being Mothers Day I allowed Mommy Dearest an additional 16 minutes of sleeping this morning. I hoped up on the bed ever so quietly and stuck my nose in her face. Now I give a swipe of the hand cream off the night stand all while never taking my eyes off her. GET UP! Look.........the sun is shining, you must open my windows, it's Mothers Day, you only have one house to show oh.....and I need my Sheba. Today will be a fabulous day!

Saturday, May 9

Do other cats endure what I have to put up with?

Hi.....it's me...Annie Grace,
I am suspect that we are still living in Seattle. Clearly the rain forest in my back yard, the fog and the smell of a wet dog constantly in the air is nauseating. Being a Ragdoll (that would be....a pure breed......I am worth more than you could imagine) which our disposition is happy, friendly, affectionate (I struggle with this one) and every day is basically a sunny day......I am becoming quite the cranky cat. First of all The Queen has been hardly home and although I would prefer she stay out of my way I honestly need the company. WHO am I suppose to humiliate, abuse and make fun of if she is not here? I am actually able to walk through the hall without the air permeated with lotions, potions and the over use/addiction of Dolce and Gabanna Light Blue. The bed is un-made in the morning and what fun is it to deposit fur clumps on that? I prefer the perfectly made bed (was she is the military??) in which to leave fur and my body indentation right in the middle of the down comforter. Even throwing up has lost it's charm. It's more fun when I know she is around. I sit in the window with my nose pressed up to the screen and peer through the fog waiting for The Toad or at least a sign of her car pulling up. I should let you all know a very important piece of information which has increased our property value.....the dead Christmas Tree is gone! Not only that...the yard has been cleaned up and the two rotted Adirondack chairs are hauled off. I had little faith that she would get this done before Memorial Day but I have been by her told that if you write a check.....things get done. Speaking of Memorial Day, it's my anniversary of 1 year of captivity. One entire year....365 days of enduring space encroachment, rationed food intake, parties, inhaling toxic sprays all day, make-up lessons and listening to constant phone conversations involving houses, septic systems, underground oil tanks, radon and basically psychiatric consults. Someone HELP ME! Call the SPCA quickly and please have me removed on the grounds that I am a CAT. Not a human and I should not have to endure all this. My job is to sleep and sit looking gorgeous. I hear her pulling in now....I must go and listen to her whole day, trying to keep my eyes open and focused on her.

Tuesday, May 5

We have been transported to Seattle

Hi....it's me....Annie Grace,


I awoke this morning looked out the window and quickly swiped the Mary Kay Lip Balm off the table then following up with the large tube of hand cream. GET UP! I am terrified and I must wake the sleeping Queen. We have been transported to Seattle I am quite certain. It's like Dorothy and Toto from Kansas. Someone has moved our house to a land of rain. Hey Lady get up....what is going on? It's rain rain rain! Now I grow concerned. Does she have the ability to practice real estate in Seattle? Is the market better here? How will I be able to keep up with the outcome of Mr. Craig List? Are they to concerned about The Swine Flue in Seattle? Will our Toad know where we have been abducted to? These questions are running rampant through my mind. Finally she tells me to stop walking over her head. (I pace when I am nervous) "Oh Annie....no one beamed us through the sky to Seattle. It's spring and get off my head." she tells me. Oh...good. Get me my Sheba. Realizing I am safe, I quickly resort back to my controlling manner. Fresh water please, another scoop of Hairball Reducer Iams Chicken flavored please, remove my fresh hair clumps from the floor or I will eat them and then throw up, and while your at it..... check the litter box. With My Stepford mother bustling about the house this leaves me some quiet time to reflect what I plan for the day.


I quietly hop up on The Lady's chair at the kitchen table knowing full well that she will just opt for a different chair as to not disturb me. As I begin the two hour morning grooming process I begin contemplating my frightful start to this morning. Will the sun ever return? Will my windows be open again? Will the rain stop? Now that I know we were never transplanted to Seattle I dwell on my fate. I am still here. With HER. Now she has finished all my chores and is slathering on 4 coordinating shades of Lancome (it was free....when you purchase "X" amount of product....she tells me) which are seriously clashing with her outfit but.....it has no bearing on my life today. So I say nothing. Except.....Hey Lady...you look peaked...did you apply blush? Off she goes to do "one last check" on her make-up application. Now the air is permeated with Lancome Mystique (once again.....it was free with a purchase of "X" amount of product.) and she is sashaying out the door...... I celebrate my peace and quiet with a quick scratch on the leather chairs and back to my kitchen chair for a 6 hour nap. Dreaming of Poland...or Italy.

Friday, May 1

The Family Cat

Hi.......it's me....Annie Grace.......
Let's start the day with a cat appreciation prayer.

If you can start the day without caffeine,


If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,


If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,


If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,


If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,


If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,


If you can conquer tension without medical help,If you can relax without liquor,


If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...Then You Are Probably The Family Cat




I actually stole this from Puppy Dog Donna who made a typo when she sent it. It had the word DOG in it, THE FAMILY DOG. I gasped when I saw it. This is about a CAT not a dog! Anyway....I corrected it. Speaking of cats, I think I may have found out WHO is always chewing on her files which are in the coach Satchel on the floor under the kitchen table and who chews all the paper sticking out of the recycle bin. Frank. Frank the cat.
I was in my window (with my new screens) and as I was watching my Song Birds I spotted this scrawny mangy black and red cat with yellow eyes. I have named him Frank. He just sits next to the bush under my window and stares up at me. From my vantage point which is 2 stories high and basically gives me the appearance of being a princess up in a castle I stare back. Mentally I give him a telepathic signal which says....LEAVE. Or you will be shot.
He just sits still and looks at me.
Now I yell at him "Hey Frank....go home!"
He still stays
Now I will use mental humiliation to rid him of the premises.
"Hey Frank....do you get more than a tablespoon of Sheba in the morning? Do you have 4 polar fleece blankets? Do you have TWO fabulous leather chairs to scratch when master is gone? Does someone open the window every morning for you? Does your master allow YOU to control the house?"
Now he settles in still looking at me. He is going to torture me. I am also suspect that now he is contemplating moving in. This makes me very very nervous.
"Hey Frank...... Do you have a blog?"
He scatters. Mission accomplished. I am on high alert today and will spend the entire day guarding this house. I may even skip my daily fur depositing throughout the house. THAT'S how serious this breach of security is!