Chardonnay Annie

Hi....it's me...Annie Grace.....

I am spending this evening in my open window with a chilled bottle of Chardonnay. Opting for for a French vintage I feel the need to celebrate. I have made it through 11 months of captivity here. Believe me...it has not been easy. The constant required daily wake up sessions I was not prepared for, the neediness, the Sheba being rationed, furniture being moved constantly, being head of the household, and a declining real estate market. But now we are celebrating many things......

1. Mr Craig List is apprehended-I am quite sure my investigative skills flushed him out after I posted my own personal services on the Internet

2. Spring-I saw the basket of flip flops were moved to the front of the closet

3. My new screens-Although they were purchased BEFORE she knew that two crazy people had backed out of buying a house.....but that is not my problem

4. Mommy Dearest's new pedicure-Although I did not think this was in out budget.....I was embarrassed for her and her toes but I have think this falls under the emergency fund

5. The Dead Christmas Tree-She has promised it will be gone by the end of the week. I am suspect that she actually has a plan but only time will tell. I can only remain optimistic.

6. My Song Birds-They are back. I now rely on them to help wake the sleeping Queen and no longer need to watch the clock or swipe the Mary Kay lip balm off the nightstand

7. The Shocking Pink Lipstick is missing-This indeed is cause for me to celebrate. She on the other hand is mourning the loss

8. Killing a client by reason of insanity-This is a bill that is at the Senate right now, backed by the entire real estate industry and about to be approved. If the client is indeed insane....you may cause bodily harm with no consequences

9. This months hair color- I actually like it on her. I am quite sure she threw away the box without writing down the color so in 6 weeks.....she will be in a tizzy

10. She bought us masks-Swine Flue protection. They are pink. Clearly she is quite the mom. I was always suspect of pigs anyway....I saw this coming.

Cheers!

My windows are open again

Hi....it's me.....Annie Grace....
I have new screens. Yes.....new window screens. It has made my hourly overture of the neighborhood a tad clearer. Every morning she opens ONE window for me proclaiming that it's still not warm enough and we are not wasting heat. She thinks I sit all day watching but the minute she walks out the door....I sleep. Tonight when she got home with a very beaten look on her face I grow fearful. THAT LOOK.....beaten and broken...even her eyeliner is askew. I know what's coming next....fermented grape juice in a goblet and a hourly lecture on the insane people in real estate. I instantly hop up in front of the screen pretending that I just LOVE it and use it all day. Now she follows me and puts her face way too close to mine. "Oh Annie....what are you looking at?" she asks me. I just turn my head and stick my eyes really close to hers and peer. I am looking at all the church people who park in front of our house on Saturday evenings and EARLY Sunday mornings, and apparently catholics are door slammers. Loud door slammers. With every car door slamming .....it rattles my nerves. I watch them silently sending them a telepathic message.... close your car doors QUIETLY. One more thing...they quickly rush to church (always late which I am confused about.....is the service NOT always at the same time?????) and quickly rush out driving 85 MPH to leave the holy zone. Now that the mass is over and 5 people barely made it off the street without being run over by 85 MPH crazy people I have no diversion. It is just me....and her. So.....Mommy Dearest... how was your day? I asked while putting in my pink ear plugs. (She has no idea.)
"Oh Annie......it was so crazy and two buyers backed out of a sales agreement." I only have one plug in so I actually hear this. What does "back out" mean? I asked. "It's a term all real estate agents use when they have no idea what just happened and can not do anything about it and basically....the buyers were crazy anyway." she tells me while admiring her new pedicure and sipping fermented grape juice. I did notice the pedicure but chose to not bring it up as...the broken weary look makes her....well....volitile. I get very still and halt putting in the other ear plug. What will happen to us? Two deals gone bad? Can you buy Sheba-Duck Flavored with Food Stamps? Now I am nervous. So I put in the other plug and ignore her. She is still talking and now I just am mesmerized by her mouth moving loaded with Lancome Lip Gloss. (It was free....don't worry...I asked.) As she is talking and her hands are moving like helicopter propellers I feign interest by just sitting. Paws perfectly aligned and tail swishing in timely fashion. After about 45 minutes I can not possible take any more boredom so I ask her what she has planned for us in the event the Swine Flue comes here. This clearly will occupy her all night and I can go sleep. It is exhausting being me.

My Jobs

Hi....it's me......Annie Grace,
I do believe spring is on the horizon (well...that's what I have been told, I have no actual knowledge of this) and this means my life will improve. First and foremost she will actually not be in the house every second demanding my attention and second.....I have my windows back. She put in my screens yesterday and I patiently watched trying to help her but she told me to go away. So I just waited at her feet. Rule # 76 -I go away when I want..... NOT when you tell me. Clearly she has not finished reading my manual. With my best window now open I spend all of yesterday afternoon hunkered down low completely still (except for my darn tail, that swiffer has a mind of it's own) on a CSI stake out looking for ......

Mr. Craig List - Killer at large..... still
Our Toad - Hopefully arriving early from Miami
A miracle Worker - To remove the dead Christmas Tree
Death to a squirrel - From our Hired Hit Hawk
Signs of life from all the people who live on the street who we have not even seen in 6 months. The Lady told me she thought they all moved and we were the only ones left but I doubted it. I am suspect that this is ongoing seasonal thing called winter hibernation.

After about 2 hours and 45 minutes I am growing bored from just uneventful bird watching and watching the neighbors who apparently did not move (I will never believe her again). Also there is a ocean breeze coming in the screen that basically is....cold. I hear her calling me anyway so after about 5 minutes of "Annie...Oh Annie Grace...where are you?" I jump off my stake out window and saunter into the kitchen. (Rule #112 - Do not expect me to come when called, for about...5 minutes) I stop dead in my tracks. She is looming over me, with her hand on her hip and waving papers in the air.
"Annie... did you chew this Sales Agreement?"
Was it sticking out of a folder in your black Coach Satchel which was on the floor next to the kitchen table? I asked her
"Yes Annie. It was and now it has tiny teeth holes in it."
Well it wasn't me.
"Annie, WHO was it?" she says
I don't know but I will spend the entire day looking for the vermin that has broken into our house and ate your sales agreement.
"Thank you Annie, I appreciate that."
Is that a new lip gloss? I asked her to deflect the situation. It looks good. You should go apply more I told her.

Once again...my jobs here are endless.

I am a fashion runway model

Hi......it's me....Annie Grace,
I received a very early communication signal from the birds this morning and felt I must share with The Lady what they were saying. GET UP! I had decided late last night that I was a fashion runway model. I now practice "working the runway" for her by strutting back and forth over the bed to include showing her that when something is in your way on the runway you just keep walking. So....her head was in the way....I just kept walking....back and forth...with purpose. No movement from her but I know she is faking sleep hoping I will settle down. Now I stick my face right up to her nose and just peer. I am so close she can not even see my ears. Finally as her beady eyes open into mine she says the most ghastly thing. "Oh Annie....are you purring, you are happy to see me!". No. That is hunger pains you hear....I need my Sheba and I just want you to get up so I can practice my runway strut downstairs. Get up. Plus I have some more investigative work to do like Googling Mr Craig List to find out his hidden information and solve this crime of massage killings. If I get no where being a CSI agent.....I may nap.
I get slightly nervous as habitually she gets ready for work at the same time and I am not seeing the flurry of lotions and potions. Hey Lady....your late. "Oh Annie, I have too much to do around the house today" she tells me while cleaning my litter box. I just sit by her feet and gaze at her which is like a silent praise for cleaning my box. I read about it in Training your Owner 101, a very similar style of training to Pavlov...but with out any treats. I am training her behaviour to be automatic. Seems to work so far. I basically have created my own version of a Stepford Wife. She runs around cleaning my box, replenishing the food and water, supplying treats and washing all my polar fleece blankets. I know, I know....seems like I have a good life here but I am still trying claim residence in Poland or Italy.
Getting back to her being home today. I act very nonchalant about it and stretch at her feet all while glancing at her sideways. You mean you will be home ALL day? I am starting to panic. "Well no Annie.....a day off means you work for a couple of hours THEN come home" she says. So it's a half day I told her. "No Annie... a half day in real estate means you are done by 5 PM." I have decided not to get into my family business of real estate. I will continue to practice my runway model and ballerina skills.

Annie Grace...CSI Agent

Hi...it's me....Annie Grace.....
I am sorry for not writing lately but we had a little dilemma here this week, my computer privileges were revoked. Seriously.....
No....it was not my hairball throw up, excessive dancing on the bed at 6:15 AM, tossing my food outside the dish, clumps of hair evenly distributed through out the house, or even the occasional scratch on the leather chairs (I never do it while she is home.... so.....what's the big deal?). I was caught trying to lure the Craig's List Killer out of hiding. I mean seriously....you need a very clever CAT to save New England from this crazy man. The Lady saw me adding my profile on Craig's List offering free massages (which I really do....I knead the polar fleece blanket...it's the same thing.) and she took the computer away. Look Lady, I watch CSI all night with you. I know EXACTLY what I am doing! I am beautiful.....offer massages.....naive enough to meet at a hotel.....and don't charge that much. The responses are overwhelming and I feel I am so close to solving this. I am completely surprised that the FBI has not consulted with me by now. But anyway.... I have lost my privileges for a while. I spend my entire day sitting in the window looking for this predator. Nothing yet but I will continue my watch all while trying NOT to look at the dead Christmas Tree on the side of the house that has left me completely humiliated. Look Lady....I have a reputation to up hold and we look.....pathetic. "But Annie...it's a man's job" she tells me while experimenting with a new Lancome Quad of eyeshadow which I am suspect is new. I KNOW...but there is no man here so put on your Reef leopard flip flops tonight and throw the tree on a neighbors property when no one is watching. Simple. Problem solved...I have a mystery to investigate. Today on TV there are many tips on how to avoid an on-line predator, I have my own......
DON'T BE STUPID!
I mean really....look at the real estate industry. They NEVER meet complete strangers in isolated locations with no one knowing where they are. They never have complete strangers in their cars all the time. They never publish all their information and pictures on-line for every one to see. Oh yes...they do. Sorry. Bad example. Now I know why Real Estate is rated the 5th most stressful job.
"Oh Annie.....do you know where my Shocking Pink Lipstick is?" I hear from the bathroom. Apparently there is no concern on The Lady's part about a predator nor the stress which leaves me with grave concern and I must monitor the premises tonight...skulking around...protecting.

Happy Easter

Hi....it's me....Annie Grace.....

I awoke this morning EXTRA early just giddy with anticipation of Easter. I get an Easter Basket!!I was just a tad confused when The Lady did not appreciate my diligent effort to get the day off to an early start. After about 10 minutes of practicing my ballerina moves on the bed (which all of my practice has paid off....I am fabulous) including my latest pirouette....nothing. No movement except she rolls over. Since the Mary Kay Lip Balm was not replaced on the nightstand yesterday, I must now resort to the head butt. I did not want it to go this far but....I am left with no choice. The Head Butt works! I make a mental note to use this in the future. After devouring my minuscule 1 Tablespoon of Sheba-Duck flavored I patiently wait for the Easter egg hunt. Nothing. I look around for my Easter basket probably filled with Nip, Chocolate bunnies, jelly beans, Wisker Lickens Ocean mix, and Sheba. Nothing. Hey Lady...what do I get? Nothing. So finally I ask her what is the point of getting up so early this morning? "Oh Annie.....it's a Holy Day." A what?? If it's a Holy Day then why are you preparing a Sales Agreement to email which will then be printed, signed, scanned and emailed again? (How on earth did these people sell a house before a computer? ) Are we going to church? "No Annie....we are not I am going to dinner."

I now spend the rest of the day figuring how Jesus on a cross is now symbolized by candy and chocolate bunnies.

The Hare: Ancient Fertility Symbol

In the ancient world, the rabbit has long been a symbol of fertility. The rabbit is known for its reproductive prowess, in fact even today we talk of couples who have many children as "multiplying like rabbits." Because it is known to reproduce often, it was seen has having special powers in assisting humans to reproduce. In fact our own lucky rabbit's foot goes back to this ancient tradition. (Not only is it a bodily part of the fertile rabbit that can transfer power to the bearer, it also serves as a phallic symbol).In Europe prior to the introduction of Christianity the ancient pagans already had their own springtime festivals, as did almost all other ancient peoples. Because spring is the time, after the harshness of winter that the world begins to bloom once more, it is seen as a time of replenishing and renewal, birth and rebirth, fertility.The Goddess of Fertility in Northern Europe before the coming of the Christians was Eostre. It is in fact from her that our own word for Easter comes. The consort of Eostre was none other than a hare, that great animal symbol of fertility. According to some traditions, Eostre cast the hare into the Heavens, creating the constellation we know today as Lepus the Hare. Some stories also say that Eostre gave Lepus the ability to lay eggs once a year, eggs also being an ancient symbol of fertility.

Now that we have that figured out....it turns to Chocolate

German settlers in Pennsylvania brought along their traditions with them, including the traditions of the Easter Bunny. They called him Osterhase, or Oschter Haws, who would lay brightly colored eggs to good children who would make special nests in their caps and bonnets the night beforeOver time the tradition grew, and soon Osterhase (or the Easter Bunny as he is known today) began to bring more than just eggs, but chocolate and candies as well. Rather than making nests in caps and bonnets, the Easter Bunny would leave his treasures in a decorated Easter basket. Although begun by German immigrants, these practices soon caught on throughout the United States and are now almost universally practiced. Christians and non-Christians alike look forward to Easter as a celebration of life and family, and the Easter Bunny, that ancient symbol of fertility, is the central figure. Across the country and around the world children wait eagerly for Easter to find the baskets full of eggs and chocolate left for them the night before by the Easter Bunny.

I must now go groom my fur which is said to be just like a bunny. Never mattes and is silky. You would think I would still receive some sort of chocolate. Happy Easter.

Our Christmas Tree is still here...dead.

Hi....it's me....Annie Grace,
I have read Yoda's letter of demise and can only hope that the economic stimulus Make Over/Make Up check arrives in Atlanta from Obama after he reviews my proposal. If you go away on vacation...it makes you feel better so therefor......it's a Make Over! Anyway...Yoda has no bearing on my daily life and I am confident he is well attended to although he now has a white sister bulldog which might be just a tad traumatizing. He has no knowledge that his old abode is covered with plastic Easter eggs hanging from the front bushes which are not yet green (still WAITING for spring!) and it really is quite horrific. As I now am back to my old front window perch with anticipation of spring I spend a considerable amount of time there in the morning, today I just about fell off the window sill......what the heck is a tree doing down on the ground? I gasped as I peered out more carefully. That is our Christmas Tree!!! As The Lady is dropping the Coach satchel (filled with files she will never open tonight and will just bring them back in the office tomorrow....un-done) loudly on the floor and removing scary high heels while pouring a glass of fermented grape juice I bring this to her attention that I am embarrassed to have a dead Christmas Tree in the yard.
"Oh Annie.....I forgot about it." she told me while opening mounds of junk mail and getting sidetracked with the Victoria Secret swim suite addition. to which I have no time to tell her that the swim suite WILL LOOK NOTHING LIKE THAT ON HER! But anyway.....I digress. How could you forget about a dead tree for......4 months??
"Oh Annie....it's been so cold...I never go out there."
Look Lady....stop slathering on more eye cream and googling Hugh Jackman and George Clooney and get it OUT OF HERE! I am embarrassed. Being a regal pure bread cat.....I have a stellar reputation to up hold.
"But Annie....I don't know how to get rid of it." she says while sipping her fermented grape juice and now trying on her Reef leopard flip flops to make sure her feet won't go into Ugg withdrawal clearly having not a clue of my embarrassment nor how we appear to this entire community.
I stare at her....for about 7 minutes, open my eyes wide.......slowly saunter away while giving her a look of disgust.
"Annie, do you want a treat or two?"
I now turn, come back and rub her legs, sit at her feet and figure......what the heck....no one will see the tree for about 3 weeks. Please God....don't let me have to explain why she tried to deduct me on her tax return....I will deal with the dead tree.

Deducting a cat on your tax return

Hi.....it's me......Annie Grace,

It has been a rather uneventful couple of days on my part. Although it has no bearing on me, my life,my Sheba intake nor my personal life.....our taxes are done. Quite early I am told as usually the 14th is the preferable day to write the checks and send them in. I asked The Lady why on TV they always refer to "A REFUND" and why we do not receive one. She just glared at me and mumbled something about me not being a deduction. I gasped. You tried to deduct me? Except for the measly daily ration of Sheba, Iams Hairball Reducer, the endless supply of stupid toys which I could care less about, 4 new fleece blankets, and large tubs of kitty litter.....what do you spend on me??? "Oh Annie..... I just bought you a scratching tower." she tells me. Why, why, why do you think I want to scratch a tower of carpet? I have 2 leather chairs, an expensive wool rug in the living room, 1 scratch box (which I don't like anymore after I threw up on it), a round scratch pad with a ridiculous rolling ball that goes around it........why would I lower my standards to something for a typical feline? Seriously. She is not listening...here it comes. Look Lady, we live in house that has more then enough furniture...TAKE IT BACK. Now on a daily basis she is moving this tower from room to room...placing it in front of the windows, next to the leather chairs, next to my coffee table which I use for my pre-dinner nap, in front of my Hawk watching window....all in hopes I will use it. I will not. I am fully aware that there are treats stashed on each level and on top of this stupid carpet tower....I ignore the tower and "hidden treats". Every now and then I skulk around it pretending that I will jump up on it, as she spots me doing this...I gracefully walk away and go sit on my coffee table or leather chair and just gaze at her. Its a defiant moment on my part but she is so oblivious...she actually thinks I am getting use to it and will eventually use it. I won't.

"Annie....you have been here for almost a year now" she informs me like it's a good thing.

Look Lady.....you think I don't know how many days I have been held prisoner here? Every day I leave yet another claw mark on the leather chair. I too am counting! Here is my tower which she tried to deduct on her tax return...... Thank god her accountant knows how to deal with her.

Our Hawk and waiting

Hi....it's me....Annie Grace.....
I am on Hawk alert today.
For the past couple of mornings we are on the verge of some serious carnage. Since we are at war with the squirrels on an annual basis I called some of "my people"....through mental telepathy of course and have hired this hit-hawk for a week. He hides in the tree outside the back window and I just sit here letting him know when one of the 80 varmints is about to run through the back yard. I have asked The Lady if death is really necessary as she is curling her eyelashes. She now whips around peering at me, with one eye bulging and captured in this metal trap exclaiming that either the Hawk does his job or we shall acquire a BB gun. I just sit and look at her without moving a muscle (except my tail which has a mind of it's own), I stare at her slightly horrified that she would actually obtain a BB gun and the amount of make-up that is being slathered on her eyes. After careful deliberation I slither away back to my post by the window waiting for the Hawk. With his violent nature I am yet to name him or declare him "Our spring tenant". That brings me to the thought that by now The Toad should be leaving Miami and making his way back to our patio. There is so much mention of spring and how it's almost here......then where is the sun? Green grass? Buds? Flowers? Screens back in the windows so I can get some air. I am WAITING...... I think it would be nice that I could hear the squeal as The Hawk scores. Anyway.... I am patiently waiting for not only our $2,500 make-up/make-over stimulus check to look better, spring and warmer weather, The Lady to do her taxes as we only have 13 days left (which she has told me is basically 2 weeks and PLENTY of time), waiting for more Sheba-chicken flavored, for her to come home, for her to wake up at 6:41 AM without me, and just waiting.......