Hi....it's me....Annie Grace,
I know I am suppose to say Happy Holidays but....clearly I am not a politically correct Ragdoll. I am alone. All by myself for the day. Yes....solo...by thy self....without others....
Actually it has no impact on me. I will be sleeping for 22 hours of the day and dumping fur, eating and sharpening my claws on the leather for the remaining 2 hours. I may spend some time slightly moving shiny objects that catch my attention on the tables as The Lady will notice if they are 1/8th of a millimeter off. Then she will wonder around the house when she returns examining everything to make sure it is "just so". I am quite sure that when mothers leave there 5 year old unattended for 24 hours there are ramifications with DCYF but she is apparently above the law. I will sense when she is returning and sit in the window when she drives in which will instantly make her guilt ridden and then will be followed by an abundance of turkey treats and cat nip. It is a fabulous plan. So I would like to say Merry Christmas to all!
Thursday, December 25
Tuesday, December 23
Our Christmas card....to you.
Hi....it's me...Annie Grace...
I have been home alone today while The Lady is out peddling her wares. Yes...2 days before Christmas and clearly SOMEONE might buy a house. Anyway.....I have been reading all the lovely Christmas card we have received including all the newsletters and apparently there is not a woe in any ones lives. Seriously...every ones children are thriving, vacation travel was abundant and everyone is leading fabulous lives! So when The Lady arrived home tonight with her skirt just a tad too short for professional attire and a rather weary look I asked her if we could write a Christmas newsletter...like if we were a normal family that lived under her command. She said yes after examining herself in the mirror and thinking that her Sapphire Blue Waterproof Dior eyeliner still looked good at the end of the day. So here is my newsletter:
Dear Friends and Family,
This year of 2008 we were showered with an abundance of joy in our lives. Everything is so perfect here we could just burst. Matter of fact there is so much perfection here many people stroll by to ask how we do it....
George has been trying to find a job this year and remains eternally optimistic. With his 6 degrees (2 from Harvard) we are certain that his 3 layoffs this year were just a fluke. He has found so much time to fish, sit around and watch Homer Simpson while neglecting his household duties but we are so ticked pink by the bass tournament he won that we think perhaps another year of unemployment could be fun!
The Lady has been very busy in a declining tanking real estate market but still manages to volunteer about 50 hours a week and she is president of the PTA, Women's Resource Center and is up for nomination for South County's Woman of the Year. Also she has taken up basket weaving and French while winding down her East Asian studies at URI.
Cindy Lou is now turning 15 and what a beauty she is! She decided to dye her hair blue this year and we just love it! She was only arrested once this year but it was only shoplifting...at Sephora. No jail time and no record. We are so proud! Also ...she is exploring the new territory of dating which we support her...beaming all the way! She has a new boyfriend. He is 21 and we just love him. He drives her everywhere...which takes the burden off us. He has a wonderful Harley.
Little George is turning 14 this year..can you stand it! He is soooo perfect. At 6 feet tall the girls just adore him. He is on his 3rd year of basketball and is still yet to play but he is a STAR in our eyes. We expect that he will be recruited by the majors once he actually gets to play. Two of his friends were arrested this year and we are so blessed that he is perfect...and never got caught. Also for the first time he actually got D's instead of F's!!!! Big round of applause!!!
Our baby....Tabitha....it seems like yesterday that we were bringing her home from the hospital and now she is a blossoming brilliant 9 year old. We are not saving for her college because we are so sure she will get a full scholarship to Harvard or Yale. Out of 100 in her class she is....61! We are so proud!! Her accidental killing of our pet hamster has made us aware of how important family is and we miss Harry the Hamster everyday.
Our family has cherished everyday together and we never fight! Our travel this year is abundant... we went to Cranston, North Providence, Westerly, Groton-CT and even an overnight to the races in NH. Aren't we lucky!! We thought about going to Italy, France or even Africa but we chose to make our adventures much more meaningful....right here!
We hope this letter finds all of our family and friends as health, lucky and beautiful as us.
Love,
The Clooney/Millin Family
P.S. Annie the Cat is very well adjusted now and continues to give us a daily HHTT Look
I have been home alone today while The Lady is out peddling her wares. Yes...2 days before Christmas and clearly SOMEONE might buy a house. Anyway.....I have been reading all the lovely Christmas card we have received including all the newsletters and apparently there is not a woe in any ones lives. Seriously...every ones children are thriving, vacation travel was abundant and everyone is leading fabulous lives! So when The Lady arrived home tonight with her skirt just a tad too short for professional attire and a rather weary look I asked her if we could write a Christmas newsletter...like if we were a normal family that lived under her command. She said yes after examining herself in the mirror and thinking that her Sapphire Blue Waterproof Dior eyeliner still looked good at the end of the day. So here is my newsletter:
Dear Friends and Family,
This year of 2008 we were showered with an abundance of joy in our lives. Everything is so perfect here we could just burst. Matter of fact there is so much perfection here many people stroll by to ask how we do it....
George has been trying to find a job this year and remains eternally optimistic. With his 6 degrees (2 from Harvard) we are certain that his 3 layoffs this year were just a fluke. He has found so much time to fish, sit around and watch Homer Simpson while neglecting his household duties but we are so ticked pink by the bass tournament he won that we think perhaps another year of unemployment could be fun!
The Lady has been very busy in a declining tanking real estate market but still manages to volunteer about 50 hours a week and she is president of the PTA, Women's Resource Center and is up for nomination for South County's Woman of the Year. Also she has taken up basket weaving and French while winding down her East Asian studies at URI.
Cindy Lou is now turning 15 and what a beauty she is! She decided to dye her hair blue this year and we just love it! She was only arrested once this year but it was only shoplifting...at Sephora. No jail time and no record. We are so proud! Also ...she is exploring the new territory of dating which we support her...beaming all the way! She has a new boyfriend. He is 21 and we just love him. He drives her everywhere...which takes the burden off us. He has a wonderful Harley.
Little George is turning 14 this year..can you stand it! He is soooo perfect. At 6 feet tall the girls just adore him. He is on his 3rd year of basketball and is still yet to play but he is a STAR in our eyes. We expect that he will be recruited by the majors once he actually gets to play. Two of his friends were arrested this year and we are so blessed that he is perfect...and never got caught. Also for the first time he actually got D's instead of F's!!!! Big round of applause!!!
Our baby....Tabitha....it seems like yesterday that we were bringing her home from the hospital and now she is a blossoming brilliant 9 year old. We are not saving for her college because we are so sure she will get a full scholarship to Harvard or Yale. Out of 100 in her class she is....61! We are so proud!! Her accidental killing of our pet hamster has made us aware of how important family is and we miss Harry the Hamster everyday.
Our family has cherished everyday together and we never fight! Our travel this year is abundant... we went to Cranston, North Providence, Westerly, Groton-CT and even an overnight to the races in NH. Aren't we lucky!! We thought about going to Italy, France or even Africa but we chose to make our adventures much more meaningful....right here!
We hope this letter finds all of our family and friends as health, lucky and beautiful as us.
Love,
The Clooney/Millin Family
P.S. Annie the Cat is very well adjusted now and continues to give us a daily HHTT Look
The Storm
Hi.... It's me.....Annie Grace....
Here I am! Dutifully watching The Lady shovel. She doesn't look to happy so I am giving her my silent support. Every time she looks up I just sit and wash an ear letting her know how she should be thankful that she no longer needs to shovel paths for an outdoor bathroom that perhaps my litter box is not so bad. As she piles on the clothing and her white fur hat she manages to apply a quite vivid shade of lipstick called "Sunset". I am quite certain that the snow will melt by itself after she is outside for a while. I am momentarily blinded by it. I also am sure that at this point she will no longer ask me for reassurance that the snow is lovely and how pretty everything looks.....she just looks a little distraught.
Here I am! Dutifully watching The Lady shovel. She doesn't look to happy so I am giving her my silent support. Every time she looks up I just sit and wash an ear letting her know how she should be thankful that she no longer needs to shovel paths for an outdoor bathroom that perhaps my litter box is not so bad. As she piles on the clothing and her white fur hat she manages to apply a quite vivid shade of lipstick called "Sunset". I am quite certain that the snow will melt by itself after she is outside for a while. I am momentarily blinded by it. I also am sure that at this point she will no longer ask me for reassurance that the snow is lovely and how pretty everything looks.....she just looks a little distraught.
Look...it's reindeer's!!!!
Monday, December 22
Our Christmas Tree....be afraid.
Hi....it's me...Annie Grace,
How am I to hold my head up high? Yes...it's a gay male mermaid drinking a cosmo..........
Today was what I thought would be a fabulous day. She leaves this morning with the Coach Satchel full...which indicates lots of work she took home for the 3 day inclement weather and did NONE of it, UGG boots with a Tahari suit and yes......shocking pink lipstick. It's like the Angel's are singing to me. I have a whole day of peace and solitude. So after she leaves I pleasantly leave about 5 clumps of my fur on the stairs,eat my food in a frenzy so it all spills on my place mat, use the litter box...twice and decide that the couch is not my mode of fur deposit today. Under the tree is what I desire to ruin today. So.....I settle in under the tree and try to hypnotically make myself sleep....Poland, Italy...Sammer (who is probably severely neglected because his mother "is with child"). Nothing is working. So now I gaze up at the sparkling things hanging from the tree....I am in awe of the beauty and I think....for a moment...perhaps The Lady is not so bad....look what she has created...for me. Just for me. As I am really going into the beginning of a fabulous 4 hour REM sleep...something catches my eye and I am horrified. It's a Rastafarian...on the tree. Now I start to examine this tree and I do not feel I need to say any more. Just look at the pictures. Where is Jesus? Mary? Joseph? Rudolph? Frosty? A pine cone for goodness sake!!!
How am I to hold my head up high? Yes...it's a gay male mermaid drinking a cosmo..........
Sunday, December 21
Mrs Robinson and The Guardian Angel
Hi...it's me......Annie Grace......
Here we are......another day of prisionship here. Inclement weather...AGAIN. So here she is napping while watching a trashy lifetime movie. I have repeatedly asked for the Patriots game but she has a very blank look and says " Oh Annie....it's like the stock market and the elections....you only need to see the last 1/2 hour....for the results." So....I turn sideways, swish my tail at her and ever so carefully walk PERFECTLY slow out of the room until I get to the door, then I turn just my head and look at her, with the HHTT Look. I inquired this morning over coffee and Wisker Lickens where she was last night as I was exhausted waiting up for her. She said she was out for dinner with The Guardian Angel, which means apparently bad roads are not any cause for concern when it comes to swordfish and a martini. Being highly intelligent I realize that more went on last night so I asked her WHERE they went after dinner. So they went to Joe's and proceeded to spread more holiday cheer among the other patrons. So now they notice a very YOUNG man sitting at the bar next to The Lady who proceeds to hit on them. "John" is his name and now the Guardian Angel is flying all around the drinking establishment with her wings while The Lady is now conversing with young John. I gasped....The Angel left you? Is she not your Guardian? The Lady now kindly says..."John how old are you?" He says 28. Relentless in his pursuing...The Lady says that she is old enough to be his mother. Clearly he has been watching old movies...like The Graduate. At this point she is now wearing Guardian Angels glasses because she cant read the tab in the dark. Chattering away young John continues to bore her. Alas...The Guardian Angel has returned and now they may fluff him off and go home. So now I am busy defining The Guardian Angel's official definition:
GUARDIAN ANGEL
Function:
noun
Date:
circa 1631
: an angel believed to have special care of a particular individual ; broadly : savior 1 , protector
PROTECTOR
Pronunciation:
\prə-ˈtek-tər\
Function:
noun
Date:
14th century
1 a: one that protects : guardian b: a device used to prevent injury : guard2 a: one having the care of a kingdom during the king's minority : regent b: the executive head of the Commonwealth of England, Scotland, and Ireland from 1653 to 1659 —called also Lord Protector of the Commonwealth
Hopefully this will help her! The Guardian Angel that is. Mrs. Robinson on the other hand......... her ego has been inflated which means she is unbearable today.
Here we are......another day of prisionship here. Inclement weather...AGAIN. So here she is napping while watching a trashy lifetime movie. I have repeatedly asked for the Patriots game but she has a very blank look and says " Oh Annie....it's like the stock market and the elections....you only need to see the last 1/2 hour....for the results." So....I turn sideways, swish my tail at her and ever so carefully walk PERFECTLY slow out of the room until I get to the door, then I turn just my head and look at her, with the HHTT Look. I inquired this morning over coffee and Wisker Lickens where she was last night as I was exhausted waiting up for her. She said she was out for dinner with The Guardian Angel, which means apparently bad roads are not any cause for concern when it comes to swordfish and a martini. Being highly intelligent I realize that more went on last night so I asked her WHERE they went after dinner. So they went to Joe's and proceeded to spread more holiday cheer among the other patrons. So now they notice a very YOUNG man sitting at the bar next to The Lady who proceeds to hit on them. "John" is his name and now the Guardian Angel is flying all around the drinking establishment with her wings while The Lady is now conversing with young John. I gasped....The Angel left you? Is she not your Guardian? The Lady now kindly says..."John how old are you?" He says 28. Relentless in his pursuing...The Lady says that she is old enough to be his mother. Clearly he has been watching old movies...like The Graduate. At this point she is now wearing Guardian Angels glasses because she cant read the tab in the dark. Chattering away young John continues to bore her. Alas...The Guardian Angel has returned and now they may fluff him off and go home. So now I am busy defining The Guardian Angel's official definition:
GUARDIAN ANGEL
Function:
noun
Date:
circa 1631
: an angel believed to have special care of a particular individual ; broadly : savior 1 , protector
PROTECTOR
Pronunciation:
\prə-ˈtek-tər\
Function:
noun
Date:
14th century
1 a: one that protects : guardian b: a device used to prevent injury : guard2 a: one having the care of a kingdom during the king's minority : regent b: the executive head of the Commonwealth of England, Scotland, and Ireland from 1653 to 1659 —called also Lord Protector of the Commonwealth
Hopefully this will help her! The Guardian Angel that is. Mrs. Robinson on the other hand......... her ego has been inflated which means she is unbearable today.
Friday, December 19
The storm
Hi....it's me...Annie Grace......
This is what I have been fearing since Our Toad left for Miami. Me.....HER......snow bound....visions of sugarplum fairies dancing in her head. So we are half way through the day and I have managed to sleep quietly on MY leather chair with only one interruption. It starts like this...."Annie...are you sleeping?" Completely curled in the fetal position I am .......for the last hour "No...I am balancing my checkbook in my head" I tell The Lady. Now she pauses and I know she has two thoughts running through her simple mind. The first is that you are suppose to balance your checkbook. The second is that I might actually have a checkbook. She falters but the as always quickly rebounds and says "Oh....all right Annie but I just have a quick question...do you know where I put the nail polish remover?" I peer at her...for about a minute..then put my head back down feigning sleep deprivation. Now she is off looking for the nail polish remover since she is now knocked down a notch as pedicures are no longer in the budget. I have agreed with her 7 times that the tree is lovely and how "much fun" we are having together at home today. I have agreed that the snow is enchanting, yes we should put on Christmas music and all the Christmas lights and yes I also am positive that we won't have to shovel and it all will melt. It is exhausting!
This is what I have been fearing since Our Toad left for Miami. Me.....HER......snow bound....visions of sugarplum fairies dancing in her head. So we are half way through the day and I have managed to sleep quietly on MY leather chair with only one interruption. It starts like this...."Annie...are you sleeping?" Completely curled in the fetal position I am .......for the last hour "No...I am balancing my checkbook in my head" I tell The Lady. Now she pauses and I know she has two thoughts running through her simple mind. The first is that you are suppose to balance your checkbook. The second is that I might actually have a checkbook. She falters but the as always quickly rebounds and says "Oh....all right Annie but I just have a quick question...do you know where I put the nail polish remover?" I peer at her...for about a minute..then put my head back down feigning sleep deprivation. Now she is off looking for the nail polish remover since she is now knocked down a notch as pedicures are no longer in the budget. I have agreed with her 7 times that the tree is lovely and how "much fun" we are having together at home today. I have agreed that the snow is enchanting, yes we should put on Christmas music and all the Christmas lights and yes I also am positive that we won't have to shovel and it all will melt. It is exhausting!
My first storm.....in prison.
Hi...It's me....Annie Grace...
Today started out like any other morning.....The Lady wakes up at 4 AM with a bad dream then can't go back to sleep so next thing I know we are watching Little House on The Prairie .....yes....it's still on. Since none of this has any bearing on my schedule I go back to sleep. Next thing I see it's 7AM and The Lady is out cold. With a quick swipe of the Miracle Potion (Mary Kay Lip balm) as it hits the floor she gives me the one eye look. A tablespoon of Sheba as I watch The Today Show. Now she is making a list. As I watch the news with all the talk about a snow storm coming today I grow anxious. What have we prepared for? I have never seen a snow shovel here, no ice salt, no ice scraper for the car and as if the hurricane preparedness kit was not pathetic enough (if anyone has to ask what I mean then you have not read my beginning blogs) now we are doomed! So I think really hard before I ask her......here it goes...."Hey Mommy Dearest...are you ready for the storm? Do we have supplies?" She glances up from her growing list and says "Oh Annie of course you are safe, I am going out now to get a few last minute things." So now I look at the list while she is off looking for her UGG's and white fur hat. This is the list, no milk, no bread and no Sheba.
1. White wine
2. Decembers issue of Fine Cooking Magazine
3. Beef - to make stew
4. Patricia Cornwall's latest book
5. Deep conditioning hair treatment
6. Red wine
7. Scarlet red nail polish
8. Scented candles
9. Cookie dough so she can thank whoever shovels her out
10. Stamps - so she can send thank you notes to everyone who shoveled her out I am sure
So basically I have resigned myself to the idea that she think the day will be a home spa day with a novel and fermented grape juice. My my my ...won't she look fabulous tomorrow! Since no one will be shoveling her out I am smug with the thought that she will be shoveling with healthy hair, red toe nails and a stomach ache because she ate all the chocolate chip cookies.
Now she comes back in to grab her list and all I can do is stare. Let's start with the white fur hat (I know she is having visions of Dr Zhivago.......no you are not Lara...look in the mirror!), the white North Face ski coat (nice touch....you do NOT ski...), black sweats (didn't you sleep in those last night?), and lastly..the coveted black UGG's. Move along snow bunny! As she spritzes on Philosophy - Falling in Love perfume and swipes Stila Snow Bunny shimmer on her cheeks (just the last piece of the costume) and off she goes...for last minute supplies, to keep us safe.
Today started out like any other morning.....The Lady wakes up at 4 AM with a bad dream then can't go back to sleep so next thing I know we are watching Little House on The Prairie .....yes....it's still on. Since none of this has any bearing on my schedule I go back to sleep. Next thing I see it's 7AM and The Lady is out cold. With a quick swipe of the Miracle Potion (Mary Kay Lip balm) as it hits the floor she gives me the one eye look. A tablespoon of Sheba as I watch The Today Show. Now she is making a list. As I watch the news with all the talk about a snow storm coming today I grow anxious. What have we prepared for? I have never seen a snow shovel here, no ice salt, no ice scraper for the car and as if the hurricane preparedness kit was not pathetic enough (if anyone has to ask what I mean then you have not read my beginning blogs) now we are doomed! So I think really hard before I ask her......here it goes...."Hey Mommy Dearest...are you ready for the storm? Do we have supplies?" She glances up from her growing list and says "Oh Annie of course you are safe, I am going out now to get a few last minute things." So now I look at the list while she is off looking for her UGG's and white fur hat. This is the list, no milk, no bread and no Sheba.
1. White wine
2. Decembers issue of Fine Cooking Magazine
3. Beef - to make stew
4. Patricia Cornwall's latest book
5. Deep conditioning hair treatment
6. Red wine
7. Scarlet red nail polish
8. Scented candles
9. Cookie dough so she can thank whoever shovels her out
10. Stamps - so she can send thank you notes to everyone who shoveled her out I am sure
So basically I have resigned myself to the idea that she think the day will be a home spa day with a novel and fermented grape juice. My my my ...won't she look fabulous tomorrow! Since no one will be shoveling her out I am smug with the thought that she will be shoveling with healthy hair, red toe nails and a stomach ache because she ate all the chocolate chip cookies.
Now she comes back in to grab her list and all I can do is stare. Let's start with the white fur hat (I know she is having visions of Dr Zhivago.......no you are not Lara...look in the mirror!), the white North Face ski coat (nice touch....you do NOT ski...), black sweats (didn't you sleep in those last night?), and lastly..the coveted black UGG's. Move along snow bunny! As she spritzes on Philosophy - Falling in Love perfume and swipes Stila Snow Bunny shimmer on her cheeks (just the last piece of the costume) and off she goes...for last minute supplies, to keep us safe.
Wednesday, December 17
Having children with George
Hi...it's me...Annie Grace....
I have been spending my days under the Christmas Tree. My fur clumps on the velvet tree skirt stick quite nicely there. Also in the evening I now get to sit in the windows where the candles are which draws in all the little moths. As they go insane for the light I just sit and swipe the glass. Quite maddening indeed. So I wait patiently for The Lady to come home today, dutifully greet her at the door and then she begins her chatter. After about 5 minutes I realize that this will be yet another boring self absorbed story and I scan her up and down. The Dior waterproof eyeliner has held up well today, for some reason she has selected a decent shade of lipstick, and minimal fur on her black coat. Now I am quite surprised. have I been able to whip her into shape? Now I glance down and gasp....what happened to your pants? "Oh Annie, one of my hems came down" she says. I slowly move closer to inspect and I see it! Tape. She has tried to tape her hem! Then I see something else.....staples. Yes....she also stapled her hem. Neither solutions have worked and she sees nothing wrong! "Oh Annie...no one even noticed" she says while looking for the wine opener. NO ONE NOTICED? Even I ..... a simple minded, very wise, stunning beautiful Ragdoll noticed! Now she is peering in the mirror wondering if her new experiment with pale pink base and blue contour eyeshadow looks as good as she thought this morning. It does not. Helloooooo... Hey Lady...over here. Snapped back to realty she pours a goblet of fermented grape juice and says "Annie....could you imagine if George and I had children...they would be gorgeous! Matter of fact I think Jillian is really George's...and mine. Look at the Urchin!" At this point I am walking away...but I stop, turn half way around and just look at her. Are you nuts? George Clooney is not coming for Christmas....you will not be having his children! "Oh..Annie....you are not being positive....we have 8 days left" she informs me. Now she is glue gunning a Christmas stocking for George...it's going on the mantle. See my pain?
I have been spending my days under the Christmas Tree. My fur clumps on the velvet tree skirt stick quite nicely there. Also in the evening I now get to sit in the windows where the candles are which draws in all the little moths. As they go insane for the light I just sit and swipe the glass. Quite maddening indeed. So I wait patiently for The Lady to come home today, dutifully greet her at the door and then she begins her chatter. After about 5 minutes I realize that this will be yet another boring self absorbed story and I scan her up and down. The Dior waterproof eyeliner has held up well today, for some reason she has selected a decent shade of lipstick, and minimal fur on her black coat. Now I am quite surprised. have I been able to whip her into shape? Now I glance down and gasp....what happened to your pants? "Oh Annie, one of my hems came down" she says. I slowly move closer to inspect and I see it! Tape. She has tried to tape her hem! Then I see something else.....staples. Yes....she also stapled her hem. Neither solutions have worked and she sees nothing wrong! "Oh Annie...no one even noticed" she says while looking for the wine opener. NO ONE NOTICED? Even I ..... a simple minded, very wise, stunning beautiful Ragdoll noticed! Now she is peering in the mirror wondering if her new experiment with pale pink base and blue contour eyeshadow looks as good as she thought this morning. It does not. Helloooooo... Hey Lady...over here. Snapped back to realty she pours a goblet of fermented grape juice and says "Annie....could you imagine if George and I had children...they would be gorgeous! Matter of fact I think Jillian is really George's...and mine. Look at the Urchin!" At this point I am walking away...but I stop, turn half way around and just look at her. Are you nuts? George Clooney is not coming for Christmas....you will not be having his children! "Oh..Annie....you are not being positive....we have 8 days left" she informs me. Now she is glue gunning a Christmas stocking for George...it's going on the mantle. See my pain?
Tuesday, December 16
George....all year.
Hi...it's me...Annie Grace...
I see a spring in her step today which makes me suspect. A dreamy look in her eye.
Did she sneak out with a credit card and go to Sephora? I am going through the trash now.
Did someone give her a compliment? If so....this will make her soooooo unbearable.
Did she re-organize EVERY drawer in the house? Again.
Did she find her missing FAVORITE black tank? Which can not possible disappear in this house!
Did we really win a million dollars?
Did she actually get a date? Nope..... I am confident this is the least of the possibilities.
Is Rodolph The Red Nose Reindeer & Frosty on tonight? Back to back. AGAIN? Great....another "sing-a-long" evening for The Lady and I
Now I search her from head to toe. Peering intently yet slowly as I check, like a CSI Agent.......last years UGG'S, still the same 2 year old black skirt from Banana Republic that she saw in the window and "just had to have", the sweater was a gift, no jewelry....as usual, same "Shocking Pink" lipstick that I asked her NOT to wear. So now I am concerned, I have gone through the trash and have found no hidden Sephora bags or no wrappers labeled "Dior, Nars, Lancome or Bobbi Brown", no price tags in the garbage. I even checked the bathroom waste baskets as she is a crafty one. Nothing! So now after all this the time is approaching for my pre dinner napping and I could not possibly sleep until I know what I will awake to. So I ask "Hey Lady...WHAT has made you smile and be all dreamy like?" I startled her as she is looking in the mirror wondering if she needs a tad more Stila "snow bunny" shimmer on her cheeks.....which she does not. "Oh...Hi Annie.....well look what I got from Pamaleerrr and her Urchins. A George Clooney Calender." she says. So I peer at it..... where are the days??????? Where do you write in things? "You don't Annie......you get a new picture every month and the days are at the bottom in this tiny little line" she tells me. I shake my head and wonder is it a calender or distorted perception that he is going to just pop out from the pages? George.....everyday.
Monday, December 15
The Dance Recital
Hi....it's me......Annie Grace,
I am now recovered from all the events here...dinners, Thanksgiving, and The Blessed Event. I have been sleeping 23 hours a day, with minimal interruptions from The Lady. Once to ask me "does this eyeshadow look good?" to which I opened one eye and said "NO". This is part of my plan as she will now spend another 2 hours concocting another horrific blend which gives me peace and another with "Annie.....do I look plump in this skirt?" to which I reply "did it shrink?". this one again gives me two hours in which she is now trying on all of her skirts to verify that this is the ONLY one that shrunk. So now she comes out to announce that she is off to her daughters dance recital. I sit up and explain to her that she has NO DAUGHTER!!!! "But Annie...I am going to get Jillian ready for her very first dance recital" she says. "I know....but Jillian is not your daughter! YOU are a fill in!" I tell her while washing my foot. With a poof of Dolce and Gabanna she sashays by me, ignoring me. Why on earth would someone entrust their child with HER? Clearly a last resort. Here are the results....a 4 year old wearing a three blend of coordinating eyeshadow, harlot red lipstick, and the finest pink shimmer blush as well as 2 tons of body glitter. Meanwhile THE HUSBAND and The Lady debate if they should have a glass of wine before they go to the recital....at 11:30 AM. After they decide that a tablet of cold medicine would be better for A COLD.....off she goes with a 4 year old in tow. Now if anyone is horrified at this point...keep in mind the "actual" aka... absentee mother is shopping in Chicago...at Sephora. Now it is all crystal clear. Yes...the daughter of Smithy and Babs (The Thomas English Muffins Thieves). Lions and Tigers and Bears...oh my.
This is a version of a "Spamalot" (self portrait.) Please note...an orange M&M......in an auditorium that says NO FOOD OR DRINK.
Sunday, December 14
The Sacred Crown
Hi....it's me Annie Grace.................Here it is.......THE SACRED CROWN. Much blood was shed and talons came out. It was an evening that horrified me. They all came streaming in...one by one...in the pouring rain with their ornaments in tow. They held their offerings proudly in their hands holding them out with glee on their faces, thrusting them at The Lady. They all thought they were the winner with eternal hope and visions of sugar plum fairies dancing in their heads. The wine flowed, they laughed and by this point I was completely bored and I went to sleep in my serving tray. Still more women streamed in....when oh when does this end? Each came to acknowledge me...one by one. I had already planned out my act......slightly sweet yet quietly uninterested. How many more are coming? Mind you they are all dressed in their finest....lip gloss perfectly applied, re-applying with each sip of fermented grape juice, happily waiting to be photographed with The Sacred Crown....if they are the winner. Luckily The Tomato Picker managed to dust off The Sacred Crown and bring it..to surrender her year of glory. Meanwhile The Pigeon and The Lady are proudly proclaiming their ornaments to be "the finest in the land". They each glare at one another from across the room. After about 15 minutes of immature sparring The Rock Star now smugly says "mine is the winner." They gasp.....that is impossible! How could it be....she has never attended The Blessed Event! She is wandering in uncharted territories. One by one..the ornaments were opened, Ohhh and ahhhed over, examined very closely, scrutinized, touched and felt, peered at and now the moment of truth. they are all lined up to be secretly voted on.
The votes are cast. Because The Lady has a very simple mind she can not possibly tally up the results, she makes The NJ Waif pull in the final results. (Perhaps Florida should have used her in the last election.) A hush came over the group of hens....then a gasp, then The Pigeon and The Lady shrieked......NO! NO! The Rock Star had won!! I am now realizing those Millin women are brutal. Here is the passing of THE SACRED CROWN.
A new winner.....The Rock Star. Only 363 days until the next one.
And off they go...Merry and The Sacred Crown...to the basement.
Thursday, December 11
Today is THE DAY!!
Hi....it's me Annie Grace,
I am just recouping from a little overdose of nip. I am suspect that she gave it to me to keep me away from Merry. I tried to go visit Merry on the table and that apparently was something I should have done when The Lady was not here. So now she had a heavy hand with my nip today. I would just sit and look up at Merry....all sparkly and glitter...with THINGS dangling around her...I figured she was MINE MINE MINE. So I hopped up (ignoring the platters that were neatly placed with notes on them labeling which food would go on them), swiped a serving spoon off the table, then got really close to Merry. I gasped...she really has no head....it's a gold swirl. Quite disturbed at this I peered up at her and telepathically gave her a message "Hey Merry, between the two of us we could help each other and escape from this lunatic." She said nothing. That's when I got caught. So now I am going to rest up for about....4 hours to be ready for....THE BLESSED EVENT.
I am just recouping from a little overdose of nip. I am suspect that she gave it to me to keep me away from Merry. I tried to go visit Merry on the table and that apparently was something I should have done when The Lady was not here. So now she had a heavy hand with my nip today. I would just sit and look up at Merry....all sparkly and glitter...with THINGS dangling around her...I figured she was MINE MINE MINE. So I hopped up (ignoring the platters that were neatly placed with notes on them labeling which food would go on them), swiped a serving spoon off the table, then got really close to Merry. I gasped...she really has no head....it's a gold swirl. Quite disturbed at this I peered up at her and telepathically gave her a message "Hey Merry, between the two of us we could help each other and escape from this lunatic." She said nothing. That's when I got caught. So now I am going to rest up for about....4 hours to be ready for....THE BLESSED EVENT.
Wednesday, December 10
The Blessed Event Eve...Day
Hi.....it's me...Annie Grace.....
I can feel the pressure and anxiety mounting. The Lady has finally removed her horrifying red lipstick and I am able to watch and listen to her for about 10 minutes while she is fluttering about....all while once again...."experimenting with color". Today she is wearing "Shocking Pink" which is appropriately named....
1. It's PINK
2. I am shocked that she thought it would look good upon purchasing it.
3. More shocked that upon opening it she still thought it would look good!!
4. Shocked that she has now applied bedazzled pink lip gloss over it.
This is the day in which everyone doubts their ornament selection.
They worry...is it good enough?
Can I hold my head up in front of 18 other ornament contenders?
Did I REALLY search for the perfect ornament or did I just settle?
Will I win? Do I get the Sacred Crown?
Will I even be one of the top 3?
Is it wrapped perfectly? (I honestly think only The Lady worries about this one!)
The food is being prepared, my fur clumps have been vacuumed up, Merry is positioned elegantly in the center of the table and visions of sugar plum fairies with a sacred crown are dancing in everyone's head.
I can feel the pressure and anxiety mounting. The Lady has finally removed her horrifying red lipstick and I am able to watch and listen to her for about 10 minutes while she is fluttering about....all while once again...."experimenting with color". Today she is wearing "Shocking Pink" which is appropriately named....
1. It's PINK
2. I am shocked that she thought it would look good upon purchasing it.
3. More shocked that upon opening it she still thought it would look good!!
4. Shocked that she has now applied bedazzled pink lip gloss over it.
This is the day in which everyone doubts their ornament selection.
They worry...is it good enough?
Can I hold my head up in front of 18 other ornament contenders?
Did I REALLY search for the perfect ornament or did I just settle?
Will I win? Do I get the Sacred Crown?
Will I even be one of the top 3?
Is it wrapped perfectly? (I honestly think only The Lady worries about this one!)
The food is being prepared, my fur clumps have been vacuumed up, Merry is positioned elegantly in the center of the table and visions of sugar plum fairies with a sacred crown are dancing in everyone's head.
Tuesday, December 9
Here's.......Merry
Hi...it's me...Annie Grace...
I know I have been MIA for a week or so but you must understand my life is mayhem. The holidays have disrupted my usual routines, furniture is being moved again, there is now a giant tree in the living room which I am quite sure is my new drinking station. I heard The Lady talking months ago about cats not liking the smell of pine so she has sprayed it on all of MY furniture so.........I now sleep under the tree which drives her insane. (Mission accomplished) As soon as we got rid of the Thanksgiving people creating havoc now we are preparing for The Blessed Event. She spent about an hour dusting and polishing Merry. The shrine of The Blessed Event. Please note....where is her head?????????? I am just horrified that this many grown women become violent and obsessed for one evening to honor a mannequin with no head purchased many years ago at the most low bottom TJ Maxx in New London,CT.It seems Merry only comes out the day before The Blessed Event and is returned to the basement the following day. The Lady is trying to tell me all the stories of the magical evening and after about 10 minutes my eyes glaze over, I am sending a telepathic SOS to be rescued while trying not to fall asleep. "Annie Grace....are you listening?" I hear from her mouth which is now perfectly colored in with the most horrifying shade of red lipstick. Clearly she is experimenting with color before a holiday party. I hate these evenings!!! Anyway, she continues talking and I now become hypnotized by her mouth...it's like watching a constant moving red donut. I know bring up the fact that perhaps she should start next time with lip liner.... Now I have visions of Joan Crawford and I shudder. Thank goodness she has no wire hangers!!! No seriously.....only wood ones and they all match! I am trying not to think about that movie Mommy Dearest but at this time it is too close to home so I swiftly feign interest in watching her experiment with more shimmer to ACCENT the awful lipstick. I might join Merry in the basement.
Monday, December 1
She still thinks we are rich....
Hi...it's me...Annie Grace....
Yet again I find The Lady busy picking out a new flat screen TV, a new car with GPS and a 86 boxes of red cedar shingles so we can finish reshingling the house.
"Annie....I REALLY think that we have won something fabulous!" she says. Look.....this is what I see her reading in yet another email
Dear Friend,
I did not hear from you since for your Confirmable check of $1.2m USD, which i kept for I went and deposited it with FEDEX, so contact them.
Contact Person: Mr. Robert White
Email Address:(fedexex.press@rocketmail.com)
Tel/FAX: +229 93169680
I paid for the delivering Charges except their Security Keeping Fee of $185 USD which they said no because they don't know when you will contact them in case of demurrage.so you are to pay the $185 as soon as you contact them.
Regards,
Dr william
So I glace at her sideways, start to walk away in disgust and then decide to take another approach. I turn around and first have to explain to her what demurrage is because I know that she does not have a clue.
Demurrage-
1 : the detention of a ship by the freighter beyond the time allowed for loading, unloading, or sailing
2 : a charge for detaining a ship, freight car, or truck
I then point out a few logical facts.
Would someone giving you 1 million refer to himelf as Dr william?
Are you a tad concerned with the SECURITY KEEPING FEE? Have you heard of one?
Their telephone AND fax are the same phone number but yet they have all this money for you? Can't afford 2 phone lines?
Yet again I find The Lady busy picking out a new flat screen TV, a new car with GPS and a 86 boxes of red cedar shingles so we can finish reshingling the house.
"Annie....I REALLY think that we have won something fabulous!" she says. Look.....this is what I see her reading in yet another email
Dear Friend,
I did not hear from you since for your Confirmable check of $1.2m USD, which i kept for I went and deposited it with FEDEX, so contact them.
Contact Person: Mr. Robert White
Email Address:(fedexex.press@rocketmail.com)
Tel/FAX: +229 93169680
I paid for the delivering Charges except their Security Keeping Fee of $185 USD which they said no because they don't know when you will contact them in case of demurrage.so you are to pay the $185 as soon as you contact them.
Regards,
Dr william
So I glace at her sideways, start to walk away in disgust and then decide to take another approach. I turn around and first have to explain to her what demurrage is because I know that she does not have a clue.
Demurrage-
1 : the detention of a ship by the freighter beyond the time allowed for loading, unloading, or sailing
2 : a charge for detaining a ship, freight car, or truck
I then point out a few logical facts.
Would someone giving you 1 million refer to himelf as Dr william?
Are you a tad concerned with the SECURITY KEEPING FEE? Have you heard of one?
Their telephone AND fax are the same phone number but yet they have all this money for you? Can't afford 2 phone lines?
What is a confirmable Check? Should we confirm that it is a check?
With the sails taken out of her wings that we are not rich she now tosses her hair around, sticks her chin out and pretends that she is concentrating on the stock market ticker.........which she has no idea really what half of them are and feels it moves too fast anyway. With a big pathetic sign she says "Annie, I guess you are right.....there is no million dollars."
That's right Virginia......there is no Santa Clause!!!
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