My time vs human time

Hi.....it's me....Annie Grace,

This morning started out in a normal fashion which means I awoke fresh and perky at 5:15 AM ready to conquer the world for about and hour or so before returning back to my post morning Sheba pre-breakfast nap.

In my most affectionate way......I woke Mommy Dearest. A nip on the arm.....about 31 times. She hides her limbs under the covers, I now go for the shoulder (NEVER EVER the face......serious ramifications would result...like my death) and next I feign serious interest in sticking my paw under the covers to see if that truly is where the limbs are. Delightful! They are indeed under the covers and I now make going under the covers without my head an art form. First one paw, then the nose, my shoulder, paw #2 next and lastly I swat at the covers.

"Annie Grace! what are you doing?"

What am I doing? Getting you up so I can have nourishment.

"Annie....it's 5:17 AM and it's too early."

Human time has no conceptual influence for me. Get up.

I skulk up and peer into her face. Concentrating on her nose. To bite or not to bite. Next.....she blows on my face. I am aghast. As I pull my body into a fighting position and open my eyes very wide in mock horror. She just blew in my face! This is either a sign of either a revolt or control and neither is acceptable to me.

I now go to the other side of the bed and contemplate this rather bold maneuver of blowing on my face. With visions of a CSI agent running rampant through my head I swiftly make one more attempt of limb attack. She blows on my face again. I retreat.....with three letters running through my head....M A D. I lay down to contemplate and watch the clock.....5:31, 5:55, 6:01, 6:12, and finally 6:37. Times up Mommy Dearest. How could you possibly resist this face???

I am unsure what to make of this shift on control but am contemplating throwing up tomorrow morning at 5:15 AM. Where do I stand? Am I not her offspring to be cherished? As I receive my appointed 1 minuscule tablespoon of Sheba and daintily inhale it......I am scared. I continue my morning ritual of news update. (yes......I read!) I am ordered to use the computer as my issues with paper involve chewing and one can not chew and read at the same time. I scan the news and gasp.

Yes.....we are very dramatic here and a gasp just helps increase the drama level.

Yet another robbery, at a liquor store......with a machete. A machete wheeling robber??? A machete??? Are we so economically challenged that even the thieves can not afford a proper weapon? Please someone help them out. If you can not afford a gun I would advise leaving the industry. Proper attire for a robbery always includes a mask, gun and unbranded clothing. One does not wear a Patriots sweatshirt, bandanna on the head and a machete. I am suspect that the criminal mind has also decreased. Do they not pay attention at robbery school??? A liquor store is also a poor choice of attack. Next time they should go to a hair salon.....these days it's cash preferred (No record of the transaction for ones husband to see how MUCH is really spent for our constant grooming).

As I think about all of these pathetic portrayals of a criminal......I also contemplate my hierarchy in this household. How...oh how....could someone blow on my face and how could one rob with a machete?

These boots were made for walking

Hi.......it's me....Annie Grace,
This is my resting spot # 83. Under the table. From this vantage point a multitude of things can occur.
1. I am in the way from her (Mommy Dearest) sitting down in HER chair and therefor she must move to another chair dragging all the tasks she has thrown on the table to accomplish with her.
2. I can pretend I am suddenly sooooo interested in one of the 41 scarfs she leaves draped over the chair which makes her take interest in me thinking that she has neglected me and my "playtime".
3. I can lay on the floor sprawled out and look at her with a longing look that she interprets as happiness. It is not. The longing look is my meditation of mentally transporting myself to Poland.
4. I stare at her shoes wondering if the leather is worth scratching.
5. When she moves just a little.....I quickly jump up with a stunned look, draw in my whiskers and this usually follows with "Oh Annie.....I am so sorry! Did I disturb you? Do you want a treat? Mission accomplished....treats on the floor instantly.
As I lay here thinking of all the things I could do...her boots catch my eye. Those heels....ghastly indeed. I read the soles. VIA SPIGA. Are those new???? I ask.
"Yes Annie.....they are. I HAD to get them for work. Don't you just love them? They are tax deductible under uniforms."
How is a 4 inch heeled boot tax deductible? The UGG"S.....maybe.
"Well Annie....I wear them most days that there is no snow on the walkways" she tells me while Googling George Clooney to see where he is.
"Matter of fact......I just came from a wake and some one liked them" she continues to drone on.
Really??? A wake you say.....Do you realize the price tag sticker is still on the bottom? Is it possible that you embarrassed our whole family and knelt at a wake for everyone to see? Is it possible that the ENTIRE room at the wake now knows you have new boots? As she gasps (usually it is I that gasps in horror) and lifts up the foot ......a true look of horror comes over her face which I just stare at her and then slowly.......ever so slowly.....leave the room in disgust.

Rule # 1 before going to a wake.....CHECK YOUR SOLES!

I am now heading off to the abyss of her closet to inspect all the shoes before settling down on the old boots which I suspect will now be a gift to me in which I will have a new scratching leather item. Surely anyone would now donate their old shoes to me after my perceptive detective work. I am hesitant to enter the abyss of a closet as I was locked in yesterday "by mistake" and have not completely recovered from the imprisonment. PLEASE.......check where I am before exiting this prison!
Check where I am
Check your soles

What to do during a snowstorm

Hi....It's me.......Annie Grace....

The boredom has set in for me this month of February and I have very little excitement. Drinking from the Christmas Tree stand has become a distant memory, the windows are still closed which really makes sitting at the window.....boring. I can't hear anyone pulling into the driveway so my greeting skills have declined, sometimes I greet and sometimes I just sleep through it as what's the point to say hello if they are already here. I have tried watching The Olympics with Mommy Dearest but apparently my taking up the entire side of the couch is not acceptable.

"Oh Annie.....why are you able to take up half the couch when you are sleeping as this couch is made for 4 people?" she asks while applying yet more Nail Grow Fast quite certain that overnight she will have perfectly strong and long nails.

Why can I take up half the couch???? Because I can. It is a class at school called Sleeping Positions #101. If I get up here first and claim a position which suits me perfectly for a 3 1/2 hour slumber WHY should I move for you?

"All right Annie....but if I get here first tomorrow I get the whole couch" she tells me. Good luck with that Mommy Dearest! As the snow rolls into town I hear the flurry of snow and of conspiring going on. What time to walk down to The Tavern. It is one of the perks about buying a house within walking distance to a bar I have been told. I am suspect that this increases your house value by 2 1/2 percent especially as we are still in a declining market but I suppose in a recession the ability to NOT drive your car 1/2 mile to a tavern would be appealing. As the sun sets, the snow swirls and the winds roar....... out comes the Uggs, Ski Jacket (which she does not ski) and lastly the ridiculous white fur hat (which she is quite certain with the correct shade of lipstick she resembles Lara from Dr Zhivago.....not even close). A spritz of Dolce and Gabanna Light Blue and Color Stay Lipstick in Sienna Sunset complete the costume. This of course leaves me the entire couch. Here are the highlights..........

And last but not least......

I am suspect that this is really what one should do in a snowstorm but based on the amount of patrons in this establishment either many people live within walking distance or everyone drives a truck.

A cat is a tiger that is fed by hand.

Hi....It's me.....Annie Grace......

This morning at 5:01AM I awoke with one thing in mind.....breakfast. Sheba-chicken flavored. In the last 3 weeks I now sleep next to her head which is more convenient for me when I awake from my princess slumber to attack her limbs. Preferably the hands and arms. If you are not aware of the behavior of my species you really should read up before obtaining one of me....it's all on-line. We (My species) have a manual and classes on behavior. Here is a sample

Class #207
How And When to Get Your Humans Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's golden time is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your humans sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

"Oh Annie....please not now" she whispers while wiping the drool from her mouth and checking for blood. Yes....NOW! As the heavily slathered night eye cream from her eyes clears she sees the look in MY eyes. Yes....I will attack unless you get up. My species can change the look in our eyes in .02 seconds complete with pupil dilation. Gives sort of an evil and possessed look. The secret it to stare at the center of their nose and remain motionless.

"Annie Grace.....we have a specified time to get up and 5:01 is not the agreed upon time. It's 6:37 this month" she says while rolling back the covers (which I suspect are new since we are now in the black/white motif season). Look Lady.... this is my house, I make the rules, I decide what time we get up and most of all what time I get my measly ration of 1 Tbs of Sheba.....Chicken Flavored. As she stumbles down the stairs ......at my beck and call, dutifully rations my food and places it on one of my colorful platter (which I should tell you are espresso saucers) I saunter over to inhale it....I gasp. This is not Sheba! For weeks now she has been experimenting with other brands trying to find something else that I like....and won't make me throw up. I shun them all! All 9 of them. I sniff, pace around the saucer, stare at the wall .....for about 6.3 seconds and decide to sample this one. It's Fancy Feast Appetizers...Chicken Flavored and I love it. I really was becoming quite agitated with every morning declining yet another unknown substance being shoved in front of me. I mean really......I am not shoving onions and mushrooms in HER face every morning for breakfast.
Finally after devouring this new delight I ask why I am being terrorized with change and am told that Stop and Shop stopped carrying Sheba which has left her quite worried.
I ponder this for a moment and freeze in my tracks. I had no idea economically things were this bad. You mean that the 2 other major grocery stores that are even closer than Stop and Shop have CLOSED????? Will I be forced to eat generic food? Do I have to learn how to hunt? Does killing mice run the risk of ruining my white paws and will it require going outside? I start to break out in a sweat. I sit at her feet, watch her make coffee and ask what are we going to do?
"Oh no Annie...... both stores are still open" she tells me while watching the coffee (which she does every morning telling me that if you watch it....it brews faster. I am suspect). If they are both still open then what's the problem?
"Well Annie it's easier to park closer to the door at Stop and Shop".
With this information I turn around walk out of the room and make myself throw up. Tomorrow morning can't come fast enough for me. Perhaps at 4:51 AM. This will insure the return of my Sheba.