High Heel are coming out of the closet

Hi......it's me....Annie Grace......
Due to the monstrous wart on her mouth we have just enjoyed a lovely evening together, her vanity often is a price I am forced to pay and endure. I was spared from a painful brushing, did not have to play with any ridiculous toys and was not asked to "sit with her for a moment". It seems the weather has changed (to which I have no knowledge of.....I am indoors...ALL DAY). The Ugg's have been boxed up and safely stored with Lloyds of London. Cashmere and wool have also been removed from the abyss of The Lady's closet. She is now sorting through the basket of flip flops showing me all of them....to which I could care less. Now she is putting the high heels front and center exclaiming that finally she can wear them. I immediately spot the tan Stuart Weitzman's and decide based on the leather quality they would be perfect to lay on vs my Scratch Lounger behind me. (If you are quite confused about the Scratch Lounger.....imagine my confusion....Do I scratch it? Do I lounge on it? Do I scratch while lounging? How does one do that?)

"Annie....don't scratch them" she says.
No......I won't. If I feel the urge I will head over to one of the leather chairs.

She is like a mad woman! I watch as sweaters, suede and boots get packed up with a vengeance. Next all the scarfs and mittens...even the white fur hat. (Thank god!) I am suspect that next she will be re-organizing the closet based on color for spring. When we receive our $2,500 economic stimulus check for clothing and make-up I am confident the closet will look more colorful. I have still yet to get confirmation from Obama about my plan to make everyone look better but I am sure he will be implementing this fabulous idea very soon. With the closet removed of any winter memories I am confident that "spring cleaning" will be next on our agenda. For now I am content to just lay on the shoes and watch.
I am just about to nod off as she rudely interrupts me.
"Annie.....does this skirt still fit?"
Not really.
"But Annie.....it fit last year."
Yes...I am sure it DID.
"But Annie......I can zip it up when I breath in."
I am sure. Maybe having a cold sore makes you bloated.
"Annie Grace...you are so smart. That's exactly the problem."
It goes back in the closet. My job is done for the evening.

I am a dancer

Hi...it's me.....Annie Grace....
I awoke this morning in my private bedroom and before I went to wake the sleeping Queen I realized ..... I am a ballerina. Seriously...read my bio. I am graceful and quiet. With this epiphany ringing soundly in my head I gracefully slithered into The Queen's room and effortlessly hopped up on the bed. No reaction. I then flew in the air to the other side of the bed. No reaction. I then flew from the bottom of the bed to the top, resting my paws on her head. No reaction. I continues practicing my ballerina moves of flying through the air and landing gracefully on the bed ....for about 32 times. Finally she gives me The Look and asks "Annie, WHAT are you doing?" Your royal highness.....I am waking you with art. I still proceed to leap high in the air on the bed....only stopping to put my face real close to hers. DID YOU SEE THAT? It was perfect! "Annie....Please stop." she says. Why? This could be my ticket out of here! The Nutcracker? I would be the very first Cat Ballerina! Realizing that this was not getting me anywhere...I just sat and played with the Mary Kay Lip Balm for a while knowing full well she was just waiting for me to swipe it off the nightstand. I held off and just moved it around until she becomes so annoyed she finally gets up. Figuring that my new career as a ballerina would be rewarded with extra Sheba-Tuna flavored, I sit just waiting for the BOWL of Sheba. As she puts down my 1 tablespoon on my platter......I give her a look. THAT"S IT????? I devour it knowing I have hours of dance practice ahead. I feel I am unappreciated with my talents so I sit in my chair at the kitchen table and just stare at her. Now I am focused on her mouth as she continues to talk to me....what the heck is that? Is that a wart on her mouth? Is she really a witch? I can not sit quietly anymore. This was truly my payback.
"Hey Mommy Dearest...you have a wart on your mouth."
"No...Annie....I do not"
"Oh yes you do....it's HUGE"
"I do not Annie...it's a cold sore"
"Are you sure? Because it's HUGE!"
"Yes, Annie...I am sure. And it's not that big."
"Mommy Dearest....it is monstrous and EVERYBODY must see it right away."
"Oh Annie, do you think others can see it?" (Now she is starting to panic....mission accomplished)
"I am sure they can see it from Mars"
"Oh Annie, now I can not go out tonight! Will you watch a movie with me?"
Yes....Only if you watch me dance all night and early tomorrow morning on the bed.

Sleeping together again......

Hi...it's me.....Annie Grace.....
I am now going through all our paperwork regarding how much money we have lost in the stock market. I know many people think I am not up on all these things but this morning when I only received a 1/8 tablespoon of Sheba Chicken flavored.....I became concerned. Let me start with the beginning of this story.
I sleep alone now. By myself....in the guest room....solo. Please do not be so quick to yell at me. I know....I know..... for 8 months since I arrived I ALWAYS sleep next to The Lady, at her feet. Well a couple of weeks ago I decided that I would try sleeping alone. I wait patiently at the top of the stairs by 10 PM as I will not go off until she comes up to bed and I ALWAYS jump up and wake her at precisely 6:41AM (It is my job.....and my Sheba ration) She has taken this personally even though I have told her that her snoring, lack of sleeping, watching infomercials at 4AM, restless leg movement and drooling have nothing to do with my change of sleeping accommodations. She does not believe me and is now googling "cat behavior at night." Anyway....I digress. So.....last night I decided at 2AM to not only sleep with her but sleep next to her head. If this is not a show of affection....then what is???? I expected a tad more acknowledgement from my gesture but I got...NOTHING! I would expect that not only would she feed me an extra ration of Sheba but that she would jump out of bed and empty my litter box so it would be fresh for morning. NOTHING!! So I stayed and slept through the night....still surprised at the lack of fanfare. Keeping all this in mind I decided to wake her earlier. Just to keep her on her toes....and me in control. It all backfired! She NEEDED to get up earlier. I actually enabled her! Anyway....as I calmly waited my tablespoon of Sheba, Chicken Flavor......waited and waited , finally my plate arrived. With 1/8th of a tablespoon. As I devoured it I thought to myself....what is wrong with this picture? I provide my affection and attention at 2AM until dawn and this is what I get? Are we poor? Should I try to escape to Poland or Italy? Now she is so self absorbed putting on make up to leave the house VERY early that I am suspect we are about to hit the mother load in a real estate sale or she is just giddy with excitement to peddle her wares. Since I have never seen her leave so early for work I am suspect that we are doomed or about to be rich with Sheba.

A Bad Economy

Hi....it's me.....Annie Grace.......

Bad Economy-An all-purpose excuse that people use during a [recession] to justify doing things that are below their usual standard. Often these things in reality have little or nothing to do with the economic circumstances.

This is the actual defined definition. That is EXACTLY what we are doing. No more Sephora, Dior or Lancome. (Except when absolutely necessary), Bloomingdale's, spring wardrobe. Beauty product are a part of life....like food, milk and taxes. Anyway....I digress. Please keep in mind that although I personally do not work, shop for my food, keep the house up, pay the mortgage and utilities, maintain the car nor anything requiring survival skills to keep a roof over my head I am still an integral part of this house! My role is to reside here reigning over my roost and basically....doing nothing. I am not without awareness of economic conditions and frequently am subject to the population 's ludicrous statements and knowledge of real estate although they do not hold any such license to sell anything nor have they bought or sold in 15 years. Please....remember ...I have to spend time with her every evening and am constantly listening to very boring daily stories. These people....they know everything. I am going to find all "these people" and hand over our retirement account to them since they are so smart. (In case you were wondering....it cost A LOT of money to hold such a real estate license and since the entire world is an expert....why bother?) The Lady is now canceling all 6 classes she must attend before next April to keep this license as it is just...overkill, no need to legally hold this license.
So......since everyone is cutting back on many things .....tanning, pedicures, facials, eating out, and shopping I will say once again.... these things have very little to do with economic conditions..in the big picture. Now "these people" have ALL the time in the world to look at real estate and find every excuse WHY not to buy. Yes, the stars are perfectly aligned and this opportunity only comes around every 10 years........ but I think you would be so much better to wait....for the rates and prices to go up. Brilliant! I know...I know.... the man at the deli told you different and the woman in CVS said otherwise......yes....listening to complete strangers? Once again .....Brilliant! Do you see how smart I have become since residing here? I have even picked up all the lingo....

Lockbox-A metal device that allows other real estate agents access when you are double booked or you just don't want to see them as their buyers...never buy.

Bank Owned property/Foreclosed- Something we do not have here but can be found north of The Tower. Stay away......too much hassle. Contrary to what you see in the news....the banks do not care nor respond.

Showing- An appointment in which everyone walks around the house hoping to god that they don't like the house as now they might actually have to submit an offer.

Closing- A day in which Realtors hold their breath from the moment they awake until the walk out of the closing.

I have tried to get more info out of The Lady but she is now turning off all three phones, drawing the blinds and mumbling something about George Clooney or Hugh Jackman. I can not tell what she is saying and asking her will only open me up to more conversation. I must go now and proof read her 2 sales agreements of today..

Why you should never leave you house...

Hi.......It's me...........Annie Grace,

Today is just another typical day here. I wake the sleeping Queen at 6:41 AM as usual, scoff down my one tablespoon of Sheba, then resort to chomping on Iams Hairball Reducer (which clearly does not work that good.....), moving on to hovering around her legs feigning affection yet really only hoping I would get more Sheba. When that does not work I just sit at her feet while she drools over Matt Lauer and all the alarming news with my back to her and just sit. I feel this small span of companionship in the morning is what gets me off the hook from constant holding. I can not take anymore morning news which is filled daily of 12 reasons why you should never leave your house and basically live in fear everyday...........



1. Spider bites that can kill you

2. Getting hit in the head by a falling tree limb...don't EVER walk under a tree!

3. Drinking wine increases your risks......only the week before drinking wine DECREASES risk

4. Tragedies that can occur from children dressing up at Halloween

5. Infections you can get from a church pew

6. The parasites that live in your bed

7. Why you should never swim with lions......... and WHY would you??

8. Wearing high heels can give you back pain when you are 92..who cares, it's how you look now

9. How you are in danger from predators when you email strangers.......Why would you???

10. The risk of ANY food you buy in the super market. Yes...let's all have our own gardens.

11. How your clothes can catch fire.....yes....let's all be naked all day

12. How harmful UV rays are....yet we are all deficient in Vitamin D and ever day we should sit in the sun for 20 minutes a day....without sunblock...that you can not get the proper Vitamin D from a vitamin.

I am sooooo confused and thank god that I am a cat. NONE of this has any bearing on me, my species or my well being. I have no intentions of dressing up for Halloween, wearing high heels, drinking wine nor swimming with lions.

Now I must go take my post breakfast nap in which I will sleep, fall off the back of the leather chair, become startled and the glare at The Lady for an hour blaming her as clearly she must have pushed me off the chair.

Happy St Patricks Day

Hi......it's me......Annie Grace,

Today I am Irish. I have abandon my Polish and Italian roots. (Sorry Schmirl and The NJ Waif) In my breed we must become whatever works to our advantage to blend and reap attention. I though a tad of make-up would lift my spirits so I went looking. The Lady caught me rummaging through her massive amounts of coordinating quads of blendable eyeshadow .......just as I spotted the Emerald Ones with gold shimmer. Upon getting caught up on the vanity with makeup brush in my paw I told her I was getting it ready for her. She is now scowling with her hand on her hip. "Annie, were you going to USE my eye shadow?" she asks me. I just sit there staring at her......still with a make up brush in my paw......frozen like a statue......still staring. Finally as I become bored I throw down the brush and gracefully jump off the vanity, swish my tail once on her leg and saunter out of the bathroom. I am suspect that in the future using her make-up should only be done when she is at work. She is now busy putting them back in order of color. To deflect my bad behavior.... I ask her what she is doing today. After a rather boring synopsis by The Lady about going to celebrate St Patrick's Day drinking green beer with The Bean and the rest of the Irish Family she is now getting ready to go with green eye shadow and a very bright green scarf. A poof of Dolce and Gabanna Light Blue and off she goes...... I pass my day by going on-line to get the exact meaning of this day. As I come across The Leprechaun I grow very excited as I now wonder if I AM PART LEPRECHAUN!!!!!


The name leprechaun may have derived from the Irish leath bhrogan (shoemaker), although its origins may lie in luacharma'n (Irish for pygmy). These apparently aged, diminutive men are frequently to be found in an intoxicated state, caused by home-brew poteen. However they never become so drunk that the hand which holds the hammer becomes unsteady and their shoemaker's work affected.
Leprechauns have also become self-appointed guardians of ancient treasure (left by the Danes when they marauded through Ireland), burying it in crocks or pots. This may be one reason why leprechauns tend to avoid contact with humans whom they regard as foolish, flighty (and greedy?) creatures. If caught by a mortal, he will promise great wealth if allowed to go free. He carries two leather pouches. In one there is a silver shilling, a magical coin that returns to the purse each time it is paid out. In the other he carries a gold coin which he uses to try and bribe his way out of difficult situations. This coin usually turns to leaves or ashes once the leprechaun has parted with it.However, you must never take your eye off him, for he can vanish in an instant.
Cluricauns may steal or borrow almost anything, creating mayhem in houses during the hours of darkness, raiding wine cellars and larders. They will also harness sheep, goats, dogs and even domestic fowl and ride them throughout the country at night. Although the leprechaun has been described as Ireland's national fairy, this name was originally only used in the north Leinster area

Rock, Rockin and Rocks

Hi.....it's me......Annie Grace,

I am thoroughly recovering from a tumultuous couple of days. First let me start with The Rock Star arriving. With a boy in tow.......we shall call him Rockin Rob. I had positioned myself for a rather typical pathetic weekend of The Lady working.....me waiting for her...and nights of chick flicks and fermented grape juice combined with a multitude of baking and constant attention. It all went down....on Friday evening. The Rock Star and Rockin Rob arrive with a case of wine and the imagination of how to make "New Martini's". I am suspect that you see the writing on the wall........ They proceed to make a multitude of martini's until they find "the perfect one". This goes on all weekend. I decided at that point to make Rockin Rob my target and demand all his attention. Just to irritate the other two. It worked! He is totally smitten with me and basically fawns all over me, following me all over the house, paying attention to me, petting me and otherwise....my slave. The other two....they never stop talking and sipping. Disastrous indeed. Next thing I know they arrive with a vat of rocks.....from the beach. Apparently The Lady made them collect sacred rocks....from Moonstone Beach (where you are not suppose to take the rocks). These are sacred Indian Rocks that have some ridiculous folk lour which....they paid no attention to. I have no idea what we will do with all these rocks but I am certain that there is a plan. My only plan...is to continue to demand attention from whomever. Really.....I am not picky. This weekend has been exhausting and I have decided to sleep on my own, anywhere I please, without permission. Rest assured I am still there to swipe the Mary Kay Lip Balm off the night stand at my appointed time, but all I need to do is look at the clock to address that issue. The Lady being self centered has taken this personally and often asks "Annie Grace.....do you want to sleep in my bed tonight?" No.. No... No... No....

"But Annie.......I have a fleece blanket for you."

No....No.....NO! I have 5 other fleece blankets all around the house.

"OK Annie.....but I will be upstairs if you need me."

Good......run along and I will see you in the morning.

Hi.....it's me....Annie Grace................

I have some time to myself this morning after doing my due diligence and waking her up with a swipe of the Mary Kay Lip Balm off the dresser to the floor followed by the Mary Kay Extra Moisturizing Night Hand Cream which is quite larger and makes more noise while hitting the floor. It is necessary. Apparently Daylight Savings Time being early has made my job difficult. I personally had no problem. Once again it has been all over the news for a week...how could I not know. Matter of fact it was ME at 2:00 AM that was changing the clocks! Who else would be up at that hours here? Anyway, so I adjusted my internal clock and on Sunday woke her at the new correct time. The Lady spent all morning peering at me very confused which only deepens her forehead wrinkles. Knowing what was on her mind I just prolonged her confusion by peering back. Finally! She asks me "Annie....HOW did you know we were changing the clocks ahead?" I stare at her pretending I do not understand her and blink twice. "No seriously Annie.....you knew down to the minute of 6:41 AM on Sunday. How did you know?" she sternly says to me. I still gaze at her without saying a word while swishing my tail at 22 second timed intervals. Within 2 minutes she is now on Google researching cat behavior again. I let this go on for about...15 minutes and then I finally quietly walk over to her and hop up on my chair at the table. "Well...Annie...." she says. I LOOKED AT THE CLOCK! How else do you think? Do you think that cats have secret meetings or a web site to discuss the new or updated rules, regulations , changes, or guidelines of humans? Plus....YOU reminded me every morning the week before. Matter of fact most of my information is from your calender, Internet and all the incessant talking you do I told her. I am wise...very wise but quite frankly this..........is what I do all day. SLEEP.

Hi.......it's me Annie Grace......

I just had to remove George's personal greeting card from her clutches. I have spent 3 hours convincing The Lady that George IS NOT COMING HERE! Nor is he inviting her to the villa in Italy for a weekend complete with a case of French Champagne. She was fluttering about thinking that maybe.....just maybe..he would be surprising her. I have assured her that the only surprises around here are me.....when I attack her walking by in the UGG slippers. We have now put the fabulous Nicole Miller dress away back in it's wrappings and put the passport back in the safety deposit box. "Are you sure Annie? Surely by now he has received my 3,600 letters." She says. I am not in the mood to explain all over again that he will never set foot in this town. Seriously. I bring her back downstairs and suggest that we watch a movie tonight and perhaps she will want to "freshen up" before ....as her recent make-up application upon receiving the card is clearly showing signs of a Hollywood style that is just....well.....horrifying! Now I just sit with her wondering why I must be her voice of reason. I have resigned myself to the fact that I am her savior. So....we sit...her sobbing about George not showing up and me sobbing that the Party Flavor Mix of Wisker Lickens makes me throw up. We both have our grieving processes. In an attempt to lift our spirits I suggest that we experiment with the Ambrosia Martini recipe. Not only does this lift The Lady's spirit but mine as well....with a little buzz....she will leave me alone! Now I must go and sit in the corner pretending.....my life is pathetic.

Monday morning mess

Hi.....it's me......Annie Grace......
We awoke promptly at 6:41 AM this morning after a very windy stormy night to a mess of snow. Next thing I know in whirlwind fashion she is now in the closet looking for the UGG snow boots she put away, that ghastly white fur hat and matching white Northface ski jacket. (Please remember this matching outfit was purchased when real estate was booming and also remember she....does not ski) Now she is outside shoveling like crazy, making the front walkway path the largest I have ever seen. As I watch from behind the glass door cheering her on ,I am suspect as to WHY she is shoveling so early and why the path is so big. (Usually she has coffee and contemplates shoveling all while hoping some white knight in shining armor will arrive to shovel and whisk her away.) Now I see coming down the street a snow plow. She is just finishing shoveling through the big mountain on the street from the overnight plows and is looking quite pleased with herself waving at me. I cover my eyes with my paw....I can not watch. Yes....the plow goes by and now dumps another mountain in front of her freshly shoveled path from the street. She turns and looks shocked, then I knew what was coming....she flips him off. Lady, this is not a good way to make friends with the town. After finishing and coming back in I asked her why all this shoveling. All that for a Munroe Dairy delivery? "No Annie....today is a very special day." I raise both eyebrows wondering what ridiculous statement is about to emerge from her mouth. "Annie...today is the day that my Dior Beige #6 foundation is arriving!! I have followed the tracking on UPS and is is coming...TODAY!" I was fully aware that she had run out of the fabulous Dior foundation as each morning she remind me. I have assured her I will keep watch for the big brown UPS that is filled to the brim with treasures. THAT is the highlight of our day.....

Questions and answers

Hi......it's me....Annie Grace........

Clearly my life here this winter has been filled with many snow days which means The Lady is working from home all while periodically doing a bad shoveling job and treating the afternoon like a Spa day. I had already seen the news and knew what was in store for tomorrow. This leaves me most of today to drop clumps of fur everywhere and mess up the litter box which will at least give her a few chores tomorrow keeping our conversations to a minimum. No seriously.....this morning I had to endure a a question and answer session all while in the middle of my mid afternoon grooming session. Here is a sampling of what I had to endure.

"Annie, Why do you wake me up every morning at exactly the same time?"
Because I want to

"How do you know the exact minute .... 6:41 AM?"
I look at the alarm clock

"Why do you get up...eat your one tablespoon of Sheba....and go back to bed?"
Because I can, I don't have a job.

"Why do you swipe the Mary Kay lip balm off the nightstand every morning at 6:43 AM?"
Because you did not get up when I wanted you to

"Oh Annie...are you happy here?"
No....but I will tolerate you. Italy or Poland would be my choice of residence

"Why do you throw up hair balls? Just let me brush you more."
No....Here sit down and let me brush YOUR hair with that metal pronged brush.

"Why do you like plain cardboard boxes?"
There is very little excitement in my life and I pray that if I stay in one...UPS will ship me

Annie...why don't you sit on the windows sills in the winter time?"
It's cold.....you sit naked without a coat in front of a glass door and tell me if you like it.

"Why do you start to sleep one place and then get up and move to another to sleep?"
Because I can. You enable me with creating 7 sleeping spots equipped with my own blankets

"Annie.....why do you sleep all night like a dog without getting up like most cats?"
Because I need 8 hours of sleep at night and 12 hours during the day

Finally after all of these questions I just gaze at her without blinking and then slowly let my eyes droop (completely from boredom but she thinks I am tired) and then turn.....gracefully.....and slither away. I am certain that tomorrow's snow day will be long.