She is trying to kill me....with Pledge

Hi...It's me...Annie Grace,
I fear for my life today. It started this weekend in which the weather predicted the storm Hannah. I thought it would be best to approach this in a gentle way and asked if we had added cat food to my list of supplies in the Hurricane Kit. The lady was in the middle of applying her latest purchase of Lancome Shimmering Rose Eyeshadow (she claims helping the GNP) as she felt "a little shimmer on a gray day will lift your spirits" but took the time to answer. Apparently the Hurricane Kit is full. Now I am not one to overreact but there is still dog food in there and I know one less scented candle because she used it for a dinner party! Where is my food!!!!! She said here try this it's SHEBA .....chicken flavored. Look lady......I don't want to "try this" I need to know I will be safe! But I did and it was quite good. So much so....I threw it up. (It was actually nerves as well...this is very stressful...)
So she prances about cleaning and dusting. Complaining about all the cardboard from my scratching box (my answer ?.........sure get rid of it...there is ALWAYS your leather chairs!) now out comes the Pledge...everything is clean and shiny. To include....all my spots which I lay on. Most importantly my coffee table which now when I jump on it I slide right off, straight across it landing on the floor. This has happened 3 times!! I heard her laugh which is very frightening. I can not wait to send her on her butt.
After her assuring me that all will be fine..it's not going to be bad, she spends some time fluffing her hair, waterproof eyeliner (very very smart decision with the rain!), shimmering blush, stay proof lipstick (once again I do admire her preparedness.....for make up application in the rain!!!!!!), a poof of Dolce and Gabanna Light Blue and starts to sashay out the door....to go to dinner. Leaving me alone....in a storm. Upon her arrival home in the horrible conditions of rain and wind, looking like Tammy Faye I gave her my best HHTT Look to which she said "Annie did you miss me?" Miss you? My sleeping spots are now launch pads, go look in the mirror....you are horrifying and I think I might now throw up again.