I love my Bounce

Hi....It's me.....Annie Grace....

Today is laundry day......actually just about every day is laundry day. The folded towels are my favorite. The Lady endlessly chatters while folding.....my eyes glaze over.....to the point that I pretend to be fascinated with the sofa. She is continuing to discuss with me all of my flaws. Like I care. Apparently when I wake her at 6:45 AM (Which is progress from my 5:29 AM initial rising time when I was kidnapped here to my current abode) for my 1 tablespoon of Sheba (which mind you SHE started this....NOT ME) early in the morning and as I eat it gratefully (SHE said I should eat slower.....it's more lady-like....I ignore her) I see no issues. The Lady is upset that I turn around and go back to bed to sleep....for like 4 hours. I patiently explained that I need to digest and....it takes 4 hours. I can see she is skeptical and I am afraid that she may actually Google Ragdoll digestion time so..... I do what comes naturally. wreak havoc by looking adorable. I effortlessly jump up on the perfectly folded laundry which is smothered in "time released" Bounce Fabric Softer. First I roll my whole body around it.....then drape myself over it, roll my whole face in it...for about an hour. It's better than The Nip! After that....I sleep on it. She tiptoes around me, now distracted by the fact that she is quite pleased with herself thinking.....I am happy. I would be a lot happier is we double my Sheba intake consumption and do not discuss in the future.... my sleeping time. It's really not necessary. So anyway....we have more snow and I can tell this will be a long winter. Twice this week The Lady forgot to apply her mascara which clearly indicates weariness. It's probably just as well since that was part of Our Budget and cutting back. As I smell the air filling with Dolce and Gabanna I am suspect that she is going out to dinner....again. Peace and quiet.

Winter Etiquette

Hi...it's me....Annie Grace....

My head is splitting....I have just endured a breakfast (1 tablespoon of Sheba and Wisker Lickens) of The Lady's etiquette for winter. Most of it has no bearing on my life or is cause for concern to me.

1. After January 15th all Christmas (ooops.... Holiday ) decorations shall be removed or each home will be fined $150 per day.

2. Snow removal on cars- all cars without all snow removed from the roof shall be fined $150 per hour. Seriously....how stupid do you think you look with a Mohawk of snow on your roof?

3. Have a minivan or SUV does not constitute driving like you are in a Zamboni. You can still go off the road!

4. Having a minivan or SUV does not mean........get really close to my tail....while on the phone. I will slam on the brakes...no problem. I know more State Troopers than you....guaranteed!

5. Jogging on the main streets while sidewalks are not yet plowed. Is it REALLY necessary?

6. When you don't live in the house you have for sale....... People still need it plowed and shoveled! Like.......

7. Getting your car washed prior to a snow storm....the day of!. Are you just ignorant to your weather or do you just like spending unnecessary money and then having everyone see your stupidity?

8. Running to the store for groceries right before the prediction of snow. Do you really have no food in the house? Have you ever not been out of the house and on the road the next day after snow?

9. Buying milk and bread before snow. Seriously.....they go bad very quickly. I suggest vodka (also act as an antiseptic for injuries...milk won't help you) and starch is not necessary......might I suggest pork tenderloin with shallot lemon Brussels sprouts? Less calories.

10. Last but not least...if you live in the North East......buy a home within walking distance from a drinking/eating establishment. Trust me.....it is way too much fun during a snow storm! Ask Schmirl.

My cousin...Manny

Hi......It's me.....Annie Grace.....

This is my cousin Manny. I have never met her and yes....HER name is Manny. She is here in a box at Christmas (I was not invited) which I truly understand the joy of a box. I have a new box today. I came strolling through the living room looking for a place to sharpen my claws,drop fur clumps and otherwise wreak havoc and BOOM.....there it is. I investigate like a CSI agent and then read the return label, now my tail goes straight, the head whips around and I give her my blue eyes dagger look. It says Nordstrom's and the post mark is recent. How did this purchase slip by me? Now I reflect on the beige eye shadow the other day ....which I have never seen and I confront her. The Lady pathetically tells me that she thought I needed a new box and she felt one from Nordstom's or Sephora would be best. I remind her about "Our budget" and the economic conditions (to which she has a very blank look). I stare her down....but she is too busy organizing the junk drawer. She looks up and says "Oh Annie, I had a gift certificate for Nordstrom's and I needed the Dior waterproof Trinidad Black eye liner.... and Bobbie Brown's palette of shimmering nude eye shadows was also on sale so....it did not cost me anything.......and I knew you wanted a new box" I am suspect of this but it explains the fascination with the beige eye shadow. This is the same lunatic who wanted to paw print me...for identification! So...here I sit in a $51.49 box in front of the fire wondering if my cousin Manny has such special treatment... Meanwhile now that "the cat is out of the bag" she is showing me all 6 shades of shimmering nudes in great detail exclaiming what a "fabulous deal" they were. I stare at her eyes so long....I go cross eyed and then fall asleep.

Our Squatter

Hi....It's me...Annie Grace....
We have survived yet another glazing of snow (Yoda.......I am sure you miss this but talk to me in August...from Atlanta) to which I managed to escape bonding when I protested that the smell of Thai Curry Chicken simmering was too potent for my delicate nose. I escape by sleeping...upstairs.......all night. As she creeps up the stairs, I hear her coming and although I was mid-way through cleaning my left front paw....I freeze, go limp, close my eyes and just mentally remove her from my world feigning sleep. It works. Now I hear her again this time I open one eye 1/8th and almost snorted out loud. She looks like she just came in from climbing a mountain in Alaska. So I ask her WHAT she is doing! "Oh Annie, I was outside to make sure the squatter/bear is not coming back. I have some snow here in this bowl, would you mind if I get a paw print from you to rule out a domestic cat?" I blink....about 50 times...repeating my mantra "There's no place like home...there's no place like home"....in Polish. I have never touched snow on my paws in my life. I am laying on a warm fleece blanket, just about perfectly groomed and you want me to get up....place my paw in a bowl of snow? "Yes...please" The Lady says. I give her The HHTT Look for about 3 minutes until she leaves Seriously...... I could care less WHAT it is....IT has no bearing on my world and I am suspect that we have a bear (polar or brown), fox, bobcat or fisher cat living here and I do not feel I should be paw printed like a common criminal. We will not be speaking......for at least 3 hours until....I feel like it.
I have figured out that if there is a church on your own street.....the road is always plowed by Sunday mornings, so she will be gone tomorrow with the house still smelling like Thai Curry Chicken.

Hi....It's me....Annie Grace...

I am cherishing my quiet moments while they are fleeting. Yes.....more snow. The Lady is out gathering last minute supplies which are sure to enhance my safe well being. A vat of curry chicken will surely make me safe. She leaves this morning complaining that she has to show vacant properties and that means no high heels as most come with show instructions ending in a comment of "bring a flashlight" which is not a good sign. So off she goes appropriately dressed in cream and brown Ugg's (not the 3/4 chocolate Ugg's that she desperatly wants) which she feels is the best attire for vacant/foreclosed properties. Black is too severe and dooming, white is too angelic and signifies purity .....which houses with no electricity and scurrying rats might counteract any pure thoughts. I notice she is liberally applying matching beige eyeshadow which I am suspect is new and I have never seen it. So now I breath a sign of relief as she sashays out the door like a cyclone of Dolce and Gabanna Light Blue. Now I rest...... on the dining room table which I am in a little bit of hot water for. Last night she comes home from work in boots that I feel are a tad too risky for work...but who am I to point out her flaws and this is our conversation
Mommy Dearest: "Annie, were you on the dining room table?"
Me : No
Mommy Dearest: "Why is there hair on the table runner?"
Me: "Because my hair floats.....upward. Maybe you should clean more"
Mommy Dearest: "But Annie...there are clumps. You know the tables are off limits"
Me: "I have never been on the tables" (This is where I must open my eyes wide to accent their blue innocence)
Mommy Dearest: "Annie, seriously....you have hair on the table. I know you were there."
Me: "Not me"
Mommy Dearest: "Well then who?" (Now she looks mad ...really mad ...and I am not sure if I should remind her that her frown line might deepen)
Me: " Maybe it left over from HIM?" (As soon as I said it...I knew I was doomed....she just sprinkled his ashes over the river today..... Now I am quickly thinking about how to back paddle..)
Mommy Dearest: Annie..... How could Ted's hair appear now?" (Her hand is on her hip and she is looming over me....totally a control thing.)
Me: "I have no idea."
Mommy Dearest: "Really Annie...."
Me: "Is that beige eye shadow new?"
Mommy Dearest: "Yes Annie....don't you just love it!"

Now she is exaiming herself in "low lights" to see how the new shade looks.

With a sigh of relief that the moment had passed and I have escaped any punishment by deflecting it to her self centeredness....it is time to rest. She will be arriving home soon...to bond. I must make a note to self....no clumps on the tables.

The Rock Star....falls

Hi .......It's......me....Annie Grace,

What a lovely Christmas Eve dinner at The Cleavers! Without me.....Please note The Lady and JFK Jr are missing from the photos which means:

A. They are doing shots in the kitchen

B. Doing all the cooking while everyone sits

C. Trying to figure out how to convert ounces to 3/4 of a cup for cooking and neither one has a clue.

My guess would be "A" but one will never know.

So........after much laughter, wine, The Rock Star snorting while laughing, wine, Cherubs glancing around the table at each other wondering if they can sell this family on ebay....it happens. The Rock Star gives a big snort and falls off her chair. Yes..... OFF the chair. There is still speculation if The Mother Felon pushed her but...one will never know.

Anyway..... this year was the first in many years that The Rock Star was home and she clearly wreaked havoc. First she wins The Blessed Event, then she doles out fabulous presents to everyone and The Queen just burst into tears when she saw the lavish gift from The Rock Star.....Diesel jeans! Couldn't you just die! So off The Lady goes to try them on completely gushing about how fabulous she will look. As she tries them on... and tugs...and tugs...they don't fit! Now she peers at the store tag....clearly they are mis-marked. So she tugs them off and now figures she will examine the inside tag thinking she will file a complaint and sue at the store of purchase for emotional trauma and misrepresentation. At this point The Lady is thinking that the store will give her thousands of dollars in gift certificates. Already thinking about the 3/4 chocolate UGG's that she will finally get....The Lady now reads the tag inside the jeans and breaks out into a cold sweat...there is no mistake. How will she walk out in the room? The shame... Now what? For a fleeting moment she figures she will remind everyone that perhaps they are a "junior cut". She calmly walks out and proclaims that it is just a fluke. It gets worst...the following day The Rock Star brings two more pairs of Jeans for the lady to try on. The Rock Star pushes and pushes..."go try them on...one of them will be way to big but try them on anyway" she says. With strength and humility....The Lady tries them on. With the opening of The Wide World of Sports theme ringing in her head....."THE AGONY OF DEFEAT". They do not fit. Head hung low The Lady emerges from the bathroom and silently vows that the holidays are not a time to kill a sibling. Wait until March. She calmly folds up the jeans and gives them back to The Rock Star with a tear in her eye and yet a smile. Clearly the whole industry of jeans is wrong. Then The Mother Felon says "Oh your father and I were just saying how good you look.....sometimes you look too thin." TOO THIN???? Is there such a thing in the mind of a shallow, vain and delusional mind of a woman who would kill over Dior Waterproof Intense Brown Eyeliner? Then The Father Felon pipes in "You look solid now". SOLID? Like line backer solid? Like Sears Toughskin Jean solid? Like a solid as a big rock? The stress of family at the holidays is just crystal clear now.

Our New Year Resolutions

Hi....It's me Annie Grace.....

After a complete day of sleeping.....The lady thinks I was anxiously awaiting her return.....NOT. Anyway, as I hear here pull in I quickly scramble from my most recent sleeping berth of the couch and perch myself at the door to greet her with a quite mad look in my eye to which she conceitedly thinks that I was lonely while she was out peddling her wares. It truly is one of my most successful Wild Cards. As she lugs in yet another full Coach Satchel of files that I promptly begin to chew knowing she will not open any of them tonight and will only realize in the morning that my chewing on them has...destroyed them. But that is not my concern. So I asked The Lady about our New Years Resolutions. She sighs and flounces down in MY leather chair and I notice the black stockings. Perfect.......fur magnets. As I feign affection by rubbing myself on them she begins the chatter......endlessly...about how ridiculous New Years Resolutions are. I do not feel the need to remind her that just about everything in her thought process is ridiculous and she is so busy twirling her hair looking for split ends that now might not be the right moment. After a moment she jumps up which completely disrupts me and now begins making a list of Our Resolutions.
1. Read more murder/mystery books with a slight element of trash
2. Watch less news and more CSI or Lifetime movies which will give more insight into the rest of the country with special emphasis on NY, LA and Miami
3. Take a class. Maybe...The Art of Applying Make-up. That falls under the category of Art
4. Take another class. Perhaps...Learning how to live with your remote controls. That would be categorized under Mechanics
5. Take a third class. Life without shopping and credit cards. That one is Education
6. Only have 2 olives in a martini NOT 4. That is budgeting and weight loss! A twofor!!
7. Throw away the Bloomingdale's catalogue....without reading it
8. Never ever go to bed without a full slather of face and eye moisturizer
9. Spend less time at work. Fluorescent lighting is bad for your eyes and skin.
10. Gain weight...like 30 lbs and see who is really a friend and asks you "Are you plumper?"
11. Cut back on exercise. Clearly it's not good for your joints
12. Write a list of all the people who were mean last year and remove them from "Contacts" Ouch!
13. Have the same hair color for the whole year. (I have no problem with that!)
14. Always .....always drink a martini from the Princess Martini glass. It's magical!

She actually asked me how many credits are offered on the three classes she wants to take and will that be applied to her Masters Degree. The only one I can think she will live by is... #14.
Happy New Year!

Love,
Annie Grace

These are the two that solve everything...

Yes, these two have everything figured out. Seriously, just ask them. Ask them anything...they have all the solutions. During the course of the day I have to listen to endless chattering on the phone of how The Lady and The NJ Waif just seem to know EVERYTHING. Now mind you these are grown professuional women who seem quite happy to have received large (very large) glittering mermaids for their Christmas trees. Matter of fact...we had to fix our Christams Tree because it was slightly askew......leaning to the right.....I wonder WHY?

Now please keep in mind..they go to Bloomingdales (these days the coupons are very important to them), they have an abundance of potions, lotions and designer labels. I am suspect that THE HUSBAND does not know of all the purchases but that is not of my concern...we don't have one. So now I watch and listen.....every day.

Our Squatter is missing

Hi....It's me....Annie Grace,
While watching over my abode today. (Actually.....I have done nothing except sleep but.....that's what I told The Lady what I did) I am noticing after The Lady completely freaked out about our Squatter and the fact that it could be a 21 LB bear....because she was comparing the tracks in the snow and now has it down to The Bear or an alley cat which has me more in a tizzy than the bear so it has been my mission to make sure we are safe. I notice she has called DOA Extermination (just frightful in the name alone!!!!) and he was lurking around to rid us of this varmint. I am suspect that it is a MALE cat who is stunned by my beauty and is now trying to woo me. I am sure that word on the streets is that I am so stunning and single. (I am...... not quite sure if they know I am fixed but....that is conversation for a second or third wooing). I just knew that as modest as I am it would take time for these rough and tumble male cats to come alooking. I have decided that based on The Lady's needy nature I am in no rush to leave the roost. Seriously..... It's a full time job with her. Praising her 5 coordinated shades of eyeshadow, her Shocking Pink lipstick, reprimanding her very short skirts, reminding her that I am not a child..... nor did she give birth to me, and basically putting up with her. Although we have developed a routine and I have grown to tolerate her..... a strapping tomcat would have me looking for a replacement.