My first storm.....in prison.

Hi...It's me....Annie Grace...
Today started out like any other morning.....The Lady wakes up at 4 AM with a bad dream then can't go back to sleep so next thing I know we are watching Little House on The Prairie .....yes....it's still on. Since none of this has any bearing on my schedule I go back to sleep. Next thing I see it's 7AM and The Lady is out cold. With a quick swipe of the Miracle Potion (Mary Kay Lip balm) as it hits the floor she gives me the one eye look. A tablespoon of Sheba as I watch The Today Show. Now she is making a list. As I watch the news with all the talk about a snow storm coming today I grow anxious. What have we prepared for? I have never seen a snow shovel here, no ice salt, no ice scraper for the car and as if the hurricane preparedness kit was not pathetic enough (if anyone has to ask what I mean then you have not read my beginning blogs) now we are doomed! So I think really hard before I ask her......here it goes...."Hey Mommy Dearest...are you ready for the storm? Do we have supplies?" She glances up from her growing list and says "Oh Annie of course you are safe, I am going out now to get a few last minute things." So now I look at the list while she is off looking for her UGG's and white fur hat. This is the list, no milk, no bread and no Sheba.
1. White wine
2. Decembers issue of Fine Cooking Magazine
3. Beef - to make stew
4. Patricia Cornwall's latest book
5. Deep conditioning hair treatment
6. Red wine
7. Scarlet red nail polish
8. Scented candles
9. Cookie dough so she can thank whoever shovels her out
10. Stamps - so she can send thank you notes to everyone who shoveled her out I am sure

So basically I have resigned myself to the idea that she think the day will be a home spa day with a novel and fermented grape juice. My my my ...won't she look fabulous tomorrow! Since no one will be shoveling her out I am smug with the thought that she will be shoveling with healthy hair, red toe nails and a stomach ache because she ate all the chocolate chip cookies.

Now she comes back in to grab her list and all I can do is stare. Let's start with the white fur hat (I know she is having visions of Dr Zhivago.......no you are not Lara...look in the mirror!), the white North Face ski coat (nice touch....you do NOT ski...), black sweats (didn't you sleep in those last night?), and lastly..the coveted black UGG's. Move along snow bunny! As she spritzes on Philosophy - Falling in Love perfume and swipes Stila Snow Bunny shimmer on her cheeks (just the last piece of the costume) and off she goes...for last minute supplies, to keep us safe.

Having children with George

Hi...it's me...Annie Grace....
I have been spending my days under the Christmas Tree. My fur clumps on the velvet tree skirt stick quite nicely there. Also in the evening I now get to sit in the windows where the candles are which draws in all the little moths. As they go insane for the light I just sit and swipe the glass. Quite maddening indeed. So I wait patiently for The Lady to come home today, dutifully greet her at the door and then she begins her chatter. After about 5 minutes I realize that this will be yet another boring self absorbed story and I scan her up and down. The Dior waterproof eyeliner has held up well today, for some reason she has selected a decent shade of lipstick, and minimal fur on her black coat. Now I am quite surprised. have I been able to whip her into shape? Now I glance down and gasp....what happened to your pants? "Oh Annie, one of my hems came down" she says. I slowly move closer to inspect and I see it! Tape. She has tried to tape her hem! Then I see something else.....staples. Yes....she also stapled her hem. Neither solutions have worked and she sees nothing wrong! "Oh Annie...no one even noticed" she says while looking for the wine opener. NO ONE NOTICED? Even I ..... a simple minded, very wise, stunning beautiful Ragdoll noticed! Now she is peering in the mirror wondering if her new experiment with pale pink base and blue contour eyeshadow looks as good as she thought this morning. It does not. Helloooooo... Hey Lady...over here. Snapped back to realty she pours a goblet of fermented grape juice and says "Annie....could you imagine if George and I had children...they would be gorgeous! Matter of fact I think Jillian is really George's...and mine. Look at the Urchin!" At this point I am walking away...but I stop, turn half way around and just look at her. Are you nuts? George Clooney is not coming for Christmas....you will not be having his children! "Oh..Annie....you are not being positive....we have 8 days left" she informs me. Now she is glue gunning a Christmas stocking for George...it's going on the mantle. See my pain?

George....all year.

Hi...it's me...Annie Grace...

I see a spring in her step today which makes me suspect. A dreamy look in her eye.

Did she sneak out with a credit card and go to Sephora? I am going through the trash now.

Did someone give her a compliment? If so....this will make her soooooo unbearable.

Did she re-organize EVERY drawer in the house? Again.

Did she find her missing FAVORITE black tank? Which can not possible disappear in this house!

Did we really win a million dollars?

Did she actually get a date? Nope..... I am confident this is the least of the possibilities.

Is Rodolph The Red Nose Reindeer & Frosty on tonight? Back to back. AGAIN? Great....another "sing-a-long" evening for The Lady and I

Now I search her from head to toe. Peering intently yet slowly as I check, like a CSI Agent.......last years UGG'S, still the same 2 year old black skirt from Banana Republic that she saw in the window and "just had to have", the sweater was a gift, no jewelry....as usual, same "Shocking Pink" lipstick that I asked her NOT to wear. So now I am concerned, I have gone through the trash and have found no hidden Sephora bags or no wrappers labeled "Dior, Nars, Lancome or Bobbi Brown", no price tags in the garbage. I even checked the bathroom waste baskets as she is a crafty one. Nothing! So now after all this the time is approaching for my pre dinner napping and I could not possibly sleep until I know what I will awake to. So I ask "Hey Lady...WHAT has made you smile and be all dreamy like?" I startled her as she is looking in the mirror wondering if she needs a tad more Stila "snow bunny" shimmer on her cheeks.....which she does not. "Oh...Hi Annie.....well look what I got from Pamaleerrr and her Urchins. A George Clooney Calender." she says. So I peer at it..... where are the days??????? Where do you write in things? "You don't Annie......you get a new picture every month and the days are at the bottom in this tiny little line" she tells me. I shake my head and wonder is it a calender or distorted perception that he is going to just pop out from the pages? George.....everyday.

The Dance Recital

Hi....it's me......Annie Grace,

I am now recovered from all the events here...dinners, Thanksgiving, and The Blessed Event. I have been sleeping 23 hours a day, with minimal interruptions from The Lady. Once to ask me "does this eyeshadow look good?" to which I opened one eye and said "NO". This is part of my plan as she will now spend another 2 hours concocting another horrific blend which gives me peace and another with "Annie.....do I look plump in this skirt?" to which I reply "did it shrink?". this one again gives me two hours in which she is now trying on all of her skirts to verify that this is the ONLY one that shrunk. So now she comes out to announce that she is off to her daughters dance recital. I sit up and explain to her that she has NO DAUGHTER!!!! "But Annie...I am going to get Jillian ready for her very first dance recital" she says. "I know....but Jillian is not your daughter! YOU are a fill in!" I tell her while washing my foot. With a poof of Dolce and Gabanna she sashays by me, ignoring me. Why on earth would someone entrust their child with HER? Clearly a last resort. Here are the results....a 4 year old wearing a three blend of coordinating eyeshadow, harlot red lipstick, and the finest pink shimmer blush as well as 2 tons of body glitter. Meanwhile THE HUSBAND and The Lady debate if they should have a glass of wine before they go to the recital....at 11:30 AM. After they decide that a tablet of cold medicine would be better for A COLD.....off she goes with a 4 year old in tow. Now if anyone is horrified at this point...keep in mind the "actual" aka... absentee mother is shopping in Chicago...at Sephora. Now it is all crystal clear. Yes...the daughter of Smithy and Babs (The Thomas English Muffins Thieves). Lions and Tigers and Bears...oh my.

This is a version of a "Spamalot" (self portrait.) Please note...an orange M&M......in an auditorium that says NO FOOD OR DRINK.

The Sacred Crown

Hi....it's me Annie Grace.................

Here it is.......THE SACRED CROWN. Much blood was shed and talons came out. It was an evening that horrified me. They all came streaming in...one by one...in the pouring rain with their ornaments in tow. They held their offerings proudly in their hands holding them out with glee on their faces, thrusting them at The Lady. They all thought they were the winner with eternal hope and visions of sugar plum fairies dancing in their heads. The wine flowed, they laughed and by this point I was completely bored and I went to sleep in my serving tray. Still more women streamed in....when oh when does this end? Each came to acknowledge me...one by one. I had already planned out my act......slightly sweet yet quietly uninterested. How many more are coming? Mind you they are all dressed in their finest....lip gloss perfectly applied, re-applying with each sip of fermented grape juice, happily waiting to be photographed with The Sacred Crown....if they are the winner. Luckily The Tomato Picker managed to dust off The Sacred Crown and bring it..to surrender her year of glory. Meanwhile The Pigeon and The Lady are proudly proclaiming their ornaments to be "the finest in the land". They each glare at one another from across the room. After about 15 minutes of immature sparring The Rock Star now smugly says "mine is the winner." They gasp.....that is impossible! How could it be....she has never attended The Blessed Event! She is wandering in uncharted territories. One by one..the ornaments were opened, Ohhh and ahhhed over, examined very closely, scrutinized, touched and felt, peered at and now the moment of truth. they are all lined up to be secretly voted on.

The votes are cast. Because The Lady has a very simple mind she can not possibly tally up the results, she makes The NJ Waif pull in the final results. (Perhaps Florida should have used her in the last election.) A hush came over the group of hens....then a gasp, then The Pigeon and The Lady shrieked......NO! NO! The Rock Star had won!! I am now realizing those Millin women are brutal. Here is the passing of THE SACRED CROWN.

A new winner.....The Rock Star. Only 363 days until the next one.

And off they go...Merry and The Sacred Crown...to the basement.

Today is THE DAY!!

Hi....it's me Annie Grace,
I am just recouping from a little overdose of nip. I am suspect that she gave it to me to keep me away from Merry. I tried to go visit Merry on the table and that apparently was something I should have done when The Lady was not here. So now she had a heavy hand with my nip today. I would just sit and look up at Merry....all sparkly and glitter...with THINGS dangling around her...I figured she was MINE MINE MINE. So I hopped up (ignoring the platters that were neatly placed with notes on them labeling which food would go on them), swiped a serving spoon off the table, then got really close to Merry. I gasped...she really has no head....it's a gold swirl. Quite disturbed at this I peered up at her and telepathically gave her a message "Hey Merry, between the two of us we could help each other and escape from this lunatic." She said nothing. That's when I got caught. So now I am going to rest up for about....4 hours to be ready for....THE BLESSED EVENT.

The Blessed Event Eve...Day

Hi.....it's me...Annie Grace.....

I can feel the pressure and anxiety mounting. The Lady has finally removed her horrifying red lipstick and I am able to watch and listen to her for about 10 minutes while she is fluttering about....all while once again...."experimenting with color". Today she is wearing "Shocking Pink" which is appropriately named....

1. It's PINK

2. I am shocked that she thought it would look good upon purchasing it.

3. More shocked that upon opening it she still thought it would look good!!

4. Shocked that she has now applied bedazzled pink lip gloss over it.



This is the day in which everyone doubts their ornament selection.

They worry...is it good enough?

Can I hold my head up in front of 18 other ornament contenders?

Did I REALLY search for the perfect ornament or did I just settle?

Will I win? Do I get the Sacred Crown?

Will I even be one of the top 3?

Is it wrapped perfectly? (I honestly think only The Lady worries about this one!)

The food is being prepared, my fur clumps have been vacuumed up, Merry is positioned elegantly in the center of the table and visions of sugar plum fairies with a sacred crown are dancing in everyone's head.

Here's.......Merry

Hi...it's me...Annie Grace...

I know I have been MIA for a week or so but you must understand my life is mayhem. The holidays have disrupted my usual routines, furniture is being moved again, there is now a giant tree in the living room which I am quite sure is my new drinking station. I heard The Lady talking months ago about cats not liking the smell of pine so she has sprayed it on all of MY furniture so.........I now sleep under the tree which drives her insane. (Mission accomplished) As soon as we got rid of the Thanksgiving people creating havoc now we are preparing for The Blessed Event. She spent about an hour dusting and polishing Merry. The shrine of The Blessed Event. Please note....where is her head?????????? I am just horrified that this many grown women become violent and obsessed for one evening to honor a mannequin with no head purchased many years ago at the most low bottom TJ Maxx in New London,CT.It seems Merry only comes out the day before The Blessed Event and is returned to the basement the following day. The Lady is trying to tell me all the stories of the magical evening and after about 10 minutes my eyes glaze over, I am sending a telepathic SOS to be rescued while trying not to fall asleep. "Annie Grace....are you listening?" I hear from her mouth which is now perfectly colored in with the most horrifying shade of red lipstick. Clearly she is experimenting with color before a holiday party. I hate these evenings!!! Anyway, she continues talking and I now become hypnotized by her mouth...it's like watching a constant moving red donut. I know bring up the fact that perhaps she should start next time with lip liner.... Now I have visions of Joan Crawford and I shudder. Thank goodness she has no wire hangers!!! No seriously.....only wood ones and they all match! I am trying not to think about that movie Mommy Dearest but at this time it is too close to home so I swiftly feign interest in watching her experiment with more shimmer to ACCENT the awful lipstick. I might join Merry in the basement.

She still thinks we are rich....

Hi...it's me...Annie Grace....


Yet again I find The Lady busy picking out a new flat screen TV, a new car with GPS and a 86 boxes of red cedar shingles so we can finish reshingling the house.


"Annie....I REALLY think that we have won something fabulous!" she says. Look.....this is what I see her reading in yet another email


Dear Friend,
I did not hear from you since for your Confirmable check of $1.2m USD, which i kept for I went and deposited it with FEDEX, so contact them.
Contact Person: Mr. Robert White
Email Address:(fedexex.press@rocketmail.com)
Tel/FAX: +229 93169680
I paid for the delivering Charges except their Security Keeping Fee of $185 USD which they said no because they don't know when you will contact them in case of demurrage.so you are to pay the $185 as soon as you contact them.
Regards,
Dr william





So I glace at her sideways, start to walk away in disgust and then decide to take another approach. I turn around and first have to explain to her what demurrage is because I know that she does not have a clue.


Demurrage-



1 : the detention of a ship by the freighter beyond the time allowed for loading, unloading, or sailing



2 : a charge for detaining a ship, freight car, or truck


I then point out a few logical facts.


Would someone giving you 1 million refer to himelf as Dr william?


Are you a tad concerned with the SECURITY KEEPING FEE? Have you heard of one?


Their telephone AND fax are the same phone number but yet they have all this money for you? Can't afford 2 phone lines?

What is a confirmable Check? Should we confirm that it is a check?

With the sails taken out of her wings that we are not rich she now tosses her hair around, sticks her chin out and pretends that she is concentrating on the stock market ticker.........which she has no idea really what half of them are and feels it moves too fast anyway. With a big pathetic sign she says "Annie, I guess you are right.....there is no million dollars."

That's right Virginia......there is no Santa Clause!!!