I am hiding...from her vanity

Hello...It's me..Annie Grace..
I am trying to hide from The Lady.....I need a little time to myself. You see... what happened was we were having some Iams Hairball Reducer with Wisker Lickens for desert and she was talking...talking... talking...about everything. I thought to myself....why oh why me....Trying to avoid indigestion I just kept looking at her....her face.....her hair......oh my gosh...her hair! I thought I was being proactive... So... I said.."You should make a hair appointment....your gray roots are showing...." She gave me a very blank look and said... "it's the sun". I said..."no.....you really should make an appointment." Well as you can imagine...the kitchen flew back.....she spent a good 5 minutes examining all of her roots. Then in a panic she proceeded to call The "Hair Stylist".......about 10 times. (I personally think it is a hairdresser but apparently the NJ Waif thinks if you pay them a ton more money and they act very interested in you personally THEN they are "Stylists") Every time the answering machine came on she hung up and called again...and again.....finally I said... "It's 6:30 AM why would ANYONE pick up? She said because vanity never goes to sleep......Let this be a lesson to me.....and my vanity. Mine? I personally look beautiful everyday....all day..... She fails to realize that I do spend at least 3 hours a day grooming myself......and then I do sleep....all day...everyday....and I do not have gray hair.

She takes the day off to wait to hear back from "The Stylist"....oh goody.

So later I am laying in the sun....minding my own business and she says..."Oh Annie...you really are happy here! You are bathing in the sun with your eyes closed .....looking so content". I open one eye..... half way..... hoping she would leave. She just stands there gazing at me like she has created some fabulous world for me! Now I gave her the two eyed but only half way open look.....Personal space lady... look it up...you are in mine! She has no idea that I was dreaming....of escape.....Poland.....my people.......potato vodka......or maybe Italy.....with Shirley....wine.....critters in the vineyards. I close my eyes.....please please willing her to go. She now tiptoes away......quite pleased with herself thinking that I am happy and even smiling ......with major... major gray roots which she better get colored....real soon.

Our Budget...

Hi...It's me..Annie Grace....


I think you might getting an idea of The Lady and her completely insane rational and way of thinking. So after the pedicure incident I spent a day reviewing her budget and found quite a few items that I thought needed clarification. I asked her to provide me some more details of these items which she categorized for me.

Mascara- Paint

Eyeliner (liquid) - Paint

Eyeliner (pencil) - Supplies/Writing utensils

Pedicure - House maintenance/Power washing

Wine - Fruits and Vegetables

Beer - Fiber and Grains

Vodka - Vegetables (she said it is Polish potato vodka.....POLAND!!!!)

Ice cream bars - Dairy

Danielle Steele's new HARDCOVER Novel - Education

Laura Mercier Tinted Moisturizer - Sunblock (she said it SPF 20)

Reflexology - Physical Therapy

Strawberry/Vanilla Scented Body Lotion - Medical (she said the smell makes her feel better)

Beach pass - She had nothing to say........

New Sugarland CD - Charity (she said it is only their 2nd CD)

"Aspen Nights" Shimmer Lancome Eyeshadow - No answer for that one except to tell me grey was in this fall.

I have to go now......the new Sephora Catalog just arrived and I have to go confiscate it..then chew on it.
Do widzenia; do zobaczenia (Goodbye...)

She is trying to kill me....with Pledge

Hi...It's me...Annie Grace,
I fear for my life today. It started this weekend in which the weather predicted the storm Hannah. I thought it would be best to approach this in a gentle way and asked if we had added cat food to my list of supplies in the Hurricane Kit. The lady was in the middle of applying her latest purchase of Lancome Shimmering Rose Eyeshadow (she claims helping the GNP) as she felt "a little shimmer on a gray day will lift your spirits" but took the time to answer. Apparently the Hurricane Kit is full. Now I am not one to overreact but there is still dog food in there and I know one less scented candle because she used it for a dinner party! Where is my food!!!!! She said here try this it's SHEBA .....chicken flavored. Look lady......I don't want to "try this" I need to know I will be safe! But I did and it was quite good. So much so....I threw it up. (It was actually nerves as well...this is very stressful...)
So she prances about cleaning and dusting. Complaining about all the cardboard from my scratching box (my answer ?.........sure get rid of it...there is ALWAYS your leather chairs!) now out comes the Pledge...everything is clean and shiny. To include....all my spots which I lay on. Most importantly my coffee table which now when I jump on it I slide right off, straight across it landing on the floor. This has happened 3 times!! I heard her laugh which is very frightening. I can not wait to send her on her butt.
After her assuring me that all will be fine..it's not going to be bad, she spends some time fluffing her hair, waterproof eyeliner (very very smart decision with the rain!), shimmering blush, stay proof lipstick (once again I do admire her preparedness.....for make up application in the rain!!!!!!), a poof of Dolce and Gabanna Light Blue and starts to sashay out the door....to go to dinner. Leaving me alone....in a storm. Upon her arrival home in the horrible conditions of rain and wind, looking like Tammy Faye I gave her my best HHTT Look to which she said "Annie did you miss me?" Miss you? My sleeping spots are now launch pads, go look in the mirror....you are horrifying and I think I might now throw up again.

Saying Good Morning...

Hi....It's me.....Annie Grace....

Good Morning! I have done my morning duty of awakening her quite early and even managed to throw in an act....that I actually was thrilled to see her awake. This usually begins with a massive amount of purring to which she gets all sappy saying "Oh Annie...you do like me!" No....I actually like my tuna flavored food more which I need YOU to get up and open the can! Then on a good day I let her pet me and then even get slightly affectionate....just in small doses. Then I jump up....give her a look of horror....like I just realized I let my guard down and this usually makes her concerned that she was too overwhelming........ya think?????? FINALLY.....she gets out of bed. Off on her most embarrassing walk...which leaves me a very QUIET breakfast time. So....she arrives home muttering about the people out and about. Figuring if I act interested...I could scoff Wisker Lickens off her. I sigh...put on my sweetest face....sit at attention....(trying not to look at the closet where my Lickens are)...put both paws perfectly placed in front of me, tilt my head, open my eyes wide and ask "what are you talking about?"

Well.....

It seems as though when she is out walking...NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO HER!!!! She says as she is doing her runway strut/debutante walk with her headphones she says good morning to everyone. She CLAIMS no one really says it to her and when she says hello they all act startled like they just saw her and then they mumble. So now she is saying it really really loud thinking it will make people be nicer and they will think she is talking loud because her head phones are on.....loud. She even claims she smiles after she says it and keeps stumbling...I mean walking. At this point I do drift off and envision that I am living with Shirley in Italy waiting to cross the border to Poland...to find my family. Snapping back to reality I ask her what do people do when you very loudly say hello/good morning? She says they walk much more quickly in the opposite direction and keep looking back at her. She says they are probably wondering why she is so nice, where she bought her fabulous walking cloths and what is her shade of lip gloss.

I asked her "perhaps they think you are odd? Maybe they are just plain walking to enjoy some QUIET time and don't feel the need to converse with a crazy person?" She is pondering this right now and I have no Wisker Lickens........ This is not a good day!

The Sacred Crown

Hi..it's me...Annie Grace......
I have noticed a lot of activity around town....streets are being swept, flowers are being planted along Main St, people are cleaning their store front windows, banners are being hung, sidewalks are being swept, front porches painted and I wondered for what? So taking the chance that I could get a one sentence answer from The Lady.....which clearly I was wrong........I asked.

She said Shirley is coming! Who? Apparently Shirley lives in Italy, which I am wondering if it close to Poland so she could help me with my escape...(I mean heritage search....to find my family since I must be Polish....as I can speak it.) Anyway......Shirley lives in Italy. I asked The Lady what does she do there? The Lady says the best she can surmise...is she drinks wine, goes to dinner parties,drinks wine, grows vegetables, drinks wine, rides around hair-pin turns and gets bugs in her hair from picking grapes. (I am wondering if she gets hairballs......like me.....I heard she has big hair which now throws me in a tailspin as maybe I am Italian....with my big hair) I think that sounds fabulous! So why is she coming? The Lady said for her Ornament Exchange Party she thinks. (I am suspect that someone would come 2 months early for just a party.......but I really don't see the need to deflate The Lady on this) She said Shirley was the winner 2 years ago of The Sacred Crown and she probably wants to get a jump on things this year and spend at least 2 months searching for the PERFECT ornament as the she was de-crowned last year by Liisa.

At this point I am thinking...how awful! De-crowned? That must weigh heavy on someone! No wonder she left the country! So where is The Crown I asked? The Lady said frightfully.....it's with Liisa. She said the The Crown should be kept in a temperature controlled vault, wrapped in tissue paper and insured with Lloyds of London only to be brought out on the sacred evening. She fears that The Crown is in Liisa's basement,shed or in her garage......or under Glenn's John Deere....... or being used to pick all her tomatoes.

No wonder Shirley is flying back!!! Hurry!

Our Toad

Hi...It's me...Annie Grace...

This is our toad.........

This latest development has me unable to sleep. A typical evening in...at first. Dinner....Wisker Lickens....sleep while she reads...wake up....bite her hand because she is crowding my space...she reads...looks at me...takes off her glasses because she only reads with them, gazes at me and says "Annie....you look very happy". What I look is TIRED....stop talking and read...we are NOT bonding tonight. With a very heavy sigh that I am suppose to feel guilty about she says "well let's go to bed after I say good night to The Toad. Book and glasses go down, she gets up from the couch (groans when she gets up...because she is old) walks out to the back patio, comes back in and says "let's go". I HAD to ask! What were you doing? It seems (please keep in mind this is coming from HER not me!) since she moved here..... there is a toad that comes every summer to the back patio and when she goes outside it comes out of the dark and sits near her feet and is not scared of her. I am wondering...VOLUNTARILY he sits with you????? Clearly the intelligence level of a toad has dropped in my eyes....RUN!!! She claims it is the same toad every year and now he is huge. I am suspect. She then shows me a picture she just took....of The Toad. So I am now wondering...how does she think it's the same toad? With at least 10 lawn mowing's a season...for 9 years....In 90 cuts he has not been shredded????????? I really don't see....

1. Why he would survive 90 cuts

2. The amount of predators in the area......he's whole feast....look at his belly!!!

3. 9 winters...what ...does he fly to Miami?

4. Why he is NOT afraid of her

5. How you could think it's the same toad?????????

6. Why he would actually want to come out of hiding to be with her. If only I found a good hiding spot!!!

So......I sasked if perhaps I could go outside with you and see him? (Clearly a ploy to escape..) She said ......No.

Now I am up all night peering out the back window hoping I can talk with him....to educate him....maybe lure him inside...with flies.....to help him escape....or eat him.

Hi....It's me...Annie Grace

I was poking around in her emails and found one (kindly sent by the NJ waif's sister) that has given me inspiration that I am not alone....I feel a kindred spirit to this wonderful author (clearly a feline that is living in a similar environment..........perhaps the feline is male and I have soul mate on this planet). Sometimes I do go out to the garage and hide in the back seat...(please note the LEATHER seats.....my favorite....) plotting my escape......she has no idea.......One day...Poland.....or NJ!! Since the Waif story I have no learned that big hair does not come only from NJ....apparently is has to do with the 80's....to which I have no idea what that means........

The Dog’s Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!——————————————

The Cat’s Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Jerks!There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

I must must must find this soul mate....................

The upcoming elections

Hi...it's me...Annie Grace...

I am trying to acclimate myself to the more serious things in life, trying to educate myself, brush up on current events.......which mean NOTHING here.....

So I am watching CNN...every day...all day.....alone.....waiting.....and she pranced in tonight with a dead cell phone battery (Why? Because she talks so much), smudged mascara and faded eyeliner (clearly not the Dior waterproof in sable brown...that she swears by), dirt on the heels of her shoes, cobwebs in her hair (apparently another basement that no one bothered to "spruce up" before putting their house on the market.......see how quickly I learn the lingo), uni-ball ink on her hands and last but not least....perfectly applied lip gloss. After she kicked off her heels, poured a drink and in a very un-lady like manner sprawled in the leather chair I had just recently sharpened my claws on....I asked her...what are the elections all about. Who are these people?

She gave me a blank look......the line between her eyes deepened....(she MIGHT want to get some quick heavy duty lotion for that!), she bits her bottom lip (leaving lip gloss on her teeth) and says...."Are the elections this year? Who is running? They really should put them in the news. Gosh I hope they let us know before November" With this perfectly profound statement uttered from her not to perfect lip glossed lips I felt the need to help her so she will not make a complete and utter fool of herself.....(and me) I found this...which brings it to her level...(if not slightly above!)

Love,

Annie Grace

Here is the link........
http://www.peteyandpetunia.com/VoteHere/VoteHere.htm

The NJ pollark

Hi....it's me Annie Grace...

We were sitting around talking (well...as you can imagine SHE was talking...I was trying to eat my Wisker Lickens Treats) and I asked who was that lady in the high heels who is from another country who claims she cleaned my litter box when you were away but really The Husband did? (yes Scott....it's a run on sentence)
She said another country? (see....she is not worried about my litter box!!!) What do you mean she asked me? The lady with the accent I said......The accent? Oh........Elisa....she said but she is not from another country....she is from NEW JERSEY and..... she is Polish but that's not the point.
Does she help you with all your prisoners...I mean pets I asked? Yes...when her fish passed away (no...she did not kill another one. This one she claims was 102 years old and was very happy here...although they found a fishing lure attached to him, it was ruled accidental ...not suicide or murder) The Husband also took care of the problem...by flushing him. So...I asked what does she really do when she comes here? I proceeded to tell her that this lively young thing did indeed come to check on me......but she had 6 inch heels and I feared for her safety if walking up the stairs...to my litter box. . She was talking to me....with her accent so finally I said loudly ....Mów wolniej (which means speak slower...in polish!! ) I was scared...very scared. I could have a very dirty litter box if this continues....Thus....The Husband...he steps in to save the day giving me the clean litter box I am use to......... as he could walk UP the stairs.
Being from a very sheltered world (remember...indoor cat!) I am intrigued....about this New Jersey waif in her 8 inch high heels ...tell me more! Well, people from New Jersey...they like Lima beans mixed into what they call succotash...and they all think Bruce Springsteen should be president. Who???? She said never mind. Why does she wear those 10 inch heels I asked the Lady. Because they are all so comfortable and all NJ girls have high heels and big hair. (I have big hair!!! maybe I am from NJ or MAYBE I am Polish!!) Matter of fact all of her high heels are to quote the NJ Polish waif "very comfortable.....my most comfortable pair of shoes". I am suspect of this. Very suspect. Very Very Very!
The Husband.....? I have a feeling he may be my only saving grace....Saving Annie Grace.
As they left....I yelled ....Wspaniale, dzieki! (Great....Thanks!) in Polish...my new heritage.

Z poważaniem (regards)

Annie Grace